Just something I saw behind a dumpster, believe it or not. I enjoy making something out of the mundane. Those are my favorite shots to take.
Each Day, Chiseling Away
Each Day, Chiseling Away
Occasionally, fear wakes me in the middle of the night but mostly, I feel it in the morning. I've had several sudden upheavals in the past year and so, I understand the source of it, although I'm beginning to process fear differently than I have in the past. I used to heavily rely on others -- individuals or groups -- looking for reassurance and the like. Lately, I've noticed that I've begun to change; I'm sitting with it, turning inward, praying, and processing it on my own more. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need to move, I move. If I need to pray, I pray. If I need to write, I write. If I'm panicking, I notice it and say something like this to myself, "Hey, I'm so fearful right now, wow, I've been here before. It's not going to kill me." If I feel physical pain, I just feel it. Certainly, the fear has been working its way through my body and for a person who often reacts to anxiety in somatic ways, it's been "off the charts" challenging.
I have a physical job, yes, and one would think that would contribute to the problem but actually, I've found that I'm better when I'm moving, and this job has been an important factor in my healing, ironically. And so, I patiently continue to "suit up and show up," so to speak, processing through past emotions every day. Without the movement and distraction of this job, I don't think I would have been able to make such big leaps as I have in my personal life and so, I think it's a godsend. Interesting the way that works.
Growing up slowly, I guess. But the fear is there to tell me some important truths too, and I do need to consider my current way of living. At the moment, I know that I'm honestly doing the best I can, and it's hard for me to focus on anything more than the day-to-day tasks. And so, I feel the fear, honor it, and ask for guidance and the ability to see what's next. And then, I simply get dressed and go to work.
So far, so good. Messy some days. Hilarious some days. Peaceful some days. I suppose that's what it means to be human. It's been teaching me a lot about compassion -- for myself and others.
Each day, I'm chiseling away at the old idea that I'm "defective" or "not loveable." Each day, I'm honoring myself and my heart just a little bit more.
Hope you have a beautiful day.
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
P.S. Helps me to write about it. I'll get more in depth with it in my next book. Who knows, maybe it'll help someone. That's my ultimate goal here. I'm in this with you. <3 My feelings are real, genuine and sure, the old me creeps in, and I'm aware that I mess up sometimes, but things have been confusing, and I am here with no agenda other than to move toward understanding and love, the best I can. :)
