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11/30/2021

Crisis of Faith

Recently, I went through a period that was a "crisis of faith," I'd say. Truly, I wasn't sure about this earth or anyone around me. Nothing, no one, no scene was movie-worthy. With all of my being, I didn't want to be here anymore. I've had other times like this, and I've trooped through it, but this one hit me with a force; it seemed urgent, powerful, deadly, and mean. At one point, I thought to myself, I know what Satan is. Satan is me, this, these thoughts, right now.

I cried, I raged, I walked, I carried on. And although they were fierce, I began to half-listen to the dark thoughts in my mind. And then I told people. I told them the stark nature of the morose details. I told people I could trust. I spat it all out. I told them every little dirty secret. I spared no thought or bloody scene. And I took the right actions, despite my wild thinking. For me, that's one of the hardest experiences in life -- to act right, even though the thinking is tumultuous. It takes courage, strength. It's a beast.

Ironically, while I was thinking this way, stuck in my black hole, I went to some movies. I went to groups. I saw doctors. I went for unenjoyable walks. I took pictures. And I helped out on a Suicide Awareness Walk. The whole time I was there, I had the thoughts, probably strikingly similar to those who were actually gone. And then I looked around, and I saw the families, the mothers, the fathers, the sisters, the brothers, the friends. I saw people of all sexual orientations, all races, and on and on. I saw the care, the love, the...dare I say it...hope.

That's what it takes sometimes...putting one foot in front of the other, regardless of the thoughts. I've been through a lot of difficult things in this life, but for me, the hardest trials have definitely involved those within my own mind.

I'm a 47-year-old woman with a master's degree, with four published books, no kids, never been married, working at a drug store, facing several health issues head-on, with scant possessions, and I have no idea what to do with these bills. At the moment, I have stitches in my face.

I guess I could look at it like that.

But after all of this worry, regret, self-loathing, and pain, one morning, something changed. Something changed dramatically. My focus shifted. Suddenly, I woke up, I held my head high, and I realized this: I am a fucking warrior. Only a warrior can act right while feeling so dark, continuing to fight against two chronic, lifelong illnesses with all her might. Only a warrior can choose to live in spite of internal Hell. Only a warrior can stay sober one day at a time and prevail until she sees the light.

And the light, indeed, comes. It always returns. Just hang on.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Horse Trainer.

 

C.A. MacConnell

11/28/2021

Photos of the Day.

Here are some shots I took this morning. Kinda spooky. I like spooky. Hopefully you do as well...C.A.



 

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Jeffrey and Bella

 

C.A. MacConnell

11/23/2021

Photo: Untitled.

 

C.A. MacConnell

I came upon this today, and I thought, now that's awesome, and I snapped the shot. I can't stop looking at it. This is really fucking amazing.

11/13/2021

Book Signing, THE HOLE. Sitwell's Coffee.

 

Photo by Lisa Storie. Me, as my character, Lucas Stillwell.

Well, I'm happy to report that last night's book signing (at Sitwell's Coffee in Clifton) was a huge success! 

Thanks to author Douglas W. Milbern and the other authors for including me! And super thanks to Flo Garayoa, Sitwells' new owner, who opened up the space for us. Hey, I sold a slew of books, saw some old friends that made my heart sing (Lisa Storie and Steve Lansky) and hung out in Sitwell's, which looks exactly the same! My old stomping grounds back in the nineties....and on and on and on all the way to today. <3 Man. 

So much history there.

Made some new friends too. All around, lovely. Thank you so much to Sitwell's ... and thank you to ALL who came out and supported the art! 

If you missed it, all four of my books are available on Amazon. Just search "C.A. MacConnell" on Amazon Books. Or click on the photos of the book covers on this page

Also, if you weren't there, you missed seeing me perform in a beard (see above photo). My friend Lisa Storie wore a beard as well. If you know of venues that would be cool with this kind of debauchery, please let me know. Email on Bio.

Hope you are well and happy. Love, C.A.

11/10/2021

Higher Brow.

We were ready to face them.

How casual we were – leaning back in heated seats,

listening to the radio's low hum, riding in the strange
car. You were driving carefully – not too fast,

not too slow, taking the turns lightly, teaching me
how to settle and sink, to welcome the ache of calm.
We were making it. On the way to the most crucial

event, lit up with talent fire, I looked out the window,
and I had a vision of what the packed party might be like –
pretty lights, round, clean, white tables, the rich, organic

smells, and a thousand flutes – glasses upon glasses
shining at flashes, and when they touched, they hit,
screaming with cheer. Everywhere, flawless smiles,

sharp shadows, quick hands gripping microphones,
dresses reaching ankles or knees, tailored pants, fitted
jackets, and the difficult height of heels. We were ready

to face them. For weeks, we had planned the perfect
timing, the shifting flame of our long-awaited arrival.
Then, suddenly, still on the road, you looked at me

once, twice, three times, then shrugged and said,
You know, we don't have to go, and I nodded, smiling,
staring straight ahead, then looking back at you,

studying your cheek, loving your fine, cut jaw,
loving the way the higher brow hugged your right
eye, loving the way that some days, the lid seemed

purple, and we both laughed, and we couldn't stop,
and again, the road, the life, the laughter, the costumes,
the sky lights, and the newly burning stars, were ours.

We were ready to face them.

C.A. MacConnell

P.S. Hope to see you FRIDAY at Sitwell's Coffeehouse in Clifton. <3 8pm. Bunch of authors reading. Cool! Hope you're well and happy. Love, C.A.

11/09/2021

Photo: Church.


Heya. I really do love this one. Reminds me of the swing set we had when I was little. Happened upon this church festival once, by accident, and I spotted these kids there. Loved the excitement on their faces. The moment. The moment is everything. It reminded me of that notion.

C.A. MacConnell

11/07/2021

Photo: Parade

 

Heya. Don't forget to come to Sitwell's November 12, 8pm. I'll be reading, along with some other folks. I'll have books of course. Good times. Also, check out my cool page on Amazon. Just search, "C.A. MacConnell Amazon." Presto. <3

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

11/04/2021

Book Signing Event!

 

Hi! I've been invited to join this event. So excited. An author extravaganza! I'll be there, reading some, signing books, chillin. Hope you can come out!

Love to you,

C.A.

Photo: Boat Ride.

 

C.A. MacConnell