Frying Pan

He loves a pale Leo
in November.

His oxen senses,
his driving team,

pull him
into the dream of her

but today,
like yesterday,

there will be no lion,
no afternoon nap.

True, her axle neck
barely holds

her head and heart

And listen
to the sound

of her noel voice.
True, her boy shape

is no pear.
In her hand,

there rests
no frying pan.

Nearly all month,
he has been loping

across the room --

here, empty hands
and empty arms

forever hang loose.
Secretly, he hopes

for a strange,
warm winter.

Home is pretty
this time of year.

He loves a pale Leo
in November.

Dear god, the awake of it.

C.A. MacConnell


Photos: Selfies, both angles.


C.A. MacConnell <3 PJ

Photo: Jungle Gym

I am the epitome of spirituality today, despite this awesome thought:  "Holy shit, that Porsche is rad!"

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Slide


Whose slide are you on? I'm on this slide, ha. <3
C.A. MacConnell


Laughing Again

This morning, emotionally, I was in a dark place. I suppose that one could call it "trapped in morbid reflection" or "racing thoughts" or "dread of the future" or I dunno, "just plain doom." When I head out on this train of thinking, what happens is this:  one simple negative thought like "I'm ugly" or "he hates me" snowballs, and before I know it, I'm feeling extremely low, and yeah, this all may sound strange and/or dangerous to some, but I'm so used to it (it's happened since I was ten), that now, when it hits full force, I just function right through it, although it can wear me out, but I'm a trooper. And ridiculously stubborn.

I'm sure some people can relate. Maybe a lot, I dunno. I suppose we all have our ups and downs -- some more severe than others.

But recently, I've discovered something -- I'm now able to turn the dark thoughts around, and it's happening faster and faster. At one time, it seemed like it took eons for me to resurface. The last few years, it's been three days here and there. But yesterday, I turned the thoughts around after just a few hours. And today, same thing.

I realized something beautiful:  where before I was overcome (I'm so used to spiraling there when it happens, it's almost second nature), now I have power over these thoughts, these feelings, no matter how difficult they seem, and I'm much stronger than I ever realized. Still working on it, but it seems like a breakthrough of sorts.

Through some really hard trudging, I find that I'm winning. Amazing. I no longer feel a victim to the dark. When it works, when I stop the thoughts and make myself exist in the moment and experience a true present, I feel empowered.

Nature has played a big part in this discovery. When walking in nature, when the focus is turned to the little things of the moment, it is impossible to delve into a dark past or ominous future. Instead, I focus on the details, and I see the raindrops on the leaves, my friend Argo the dog, the storm clouds rolling in, the ponytail man smoking a Clove, the man working on his thesis or something enormous in the window of a Subway, and the true, soulful look of another human who has been to the darkness like me. I see the sun peeking through, the robins and cicadas, and the lost wire wheel on the side of the road. I see the bumper sticker that reads, "Honk if parts fall off," and then I think, This morning, I was bed-crying, and a few hours later, here I am, laughing again.

I love that saying, This too shall pass. Aye, it is true.

Today's Truth:  if you're having a dark day, just remember, it'll eventually turn around, and with practice, like everything else, there can be great change and progress. Hang in there, and soon, you'll be laughing again. Come with me.

Love and hope,
C.A. MacConnell


Photo: One Feather

One Feather

Morning thoughts upon waking:

If I weren't so short, and if I even knew how to play volleyball, and if I weren't so awful at my few attempts to play volleyball, I would be the best Olympic beach volleyball player in the world.

Never mind. I wouldn't like the feel of all that sand; I would want a personal groom to hose me off between points. Is that possible?

I am 42 today, and I am doing my final run-through on my book, so it's my present to me, and happy birthday to me, it is really unbelievable that I am here; I am lucky to be alive.

It's Sean Penn's birthday as well. Wonder what he's doing right now. Maybe playing beach volleyball.

C.A. MacConnell


Photo: Goal


Hi there. Took this about an hour ago, while in a rainstorm. :) I dig it. Goals can change, eh? What seems like the goal at first may turn into something else. And if I look too close, I don't see the bigger picture.

Also, there's something to be said for Pringles -- same chips, same can, still around after all these years. Now where's my other Pringle? I'm really not as obsessed with true love as I probably come across on this blog, ha. But yesterday, I did hear a woman say that it's not real, that it's a "fairy tale romance" idea. Well, I think she's a fucker.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Flow 2

From my horoscope today:  "...so take the challenge of remaining yourself and be the soul mate you truly are."

Flow 2

C.A. MacConnell


Photo: Antiques


This is one of my favorite photos I've taken. I hope you smile when you see it, like I do.

Time to get to work,

C.A. MacConnell


Leaning, a Haiku


Two Sides Stand
Leaning to the Love
Two Sides Rise

-- C.A. MacConnell



Hand me a bandage. Earlier, I cut myself;
we are forever blending into some couch.
You are made of smog, smoke, fog, steam.
You are dust. You are an intangible buffet,
a cirrus cloud, a vast scab, a gorgeous vapor.
Your shoulders are static rather than bone.

Something hangs between us – a fight never
fought, a loss never lost, and the irresistible,
makeup screw. To our mad, silent lives --
from the dirtiest laundry to the lightest
sheets. Sometimes, I see your shavings.
Cutting the quiet in two, sound is our knife.

I see our small house, white paint peeling
on the left, the heart side. I see you call
the painter. I see me call the gutter man.
I see our swing, our kitchen, our late night
dinner -- orange, fake fish on green plates,
no napkin, bare clean kitchen, the scent of it.

The table, the imperfect circle. And no matter
how the meal ends -- empty or full, imagined
or real -- even if I could,  even if I should,
I wouldn't take anything back. Hand me
a bandage. I see us sit down at the same
time, sinking into high-backed, black, plastic

chairs, praying and laughing and digging in,
whether or not people need to eat
in heaven.

C.A. MacConnell


Photo: Heart of It.

Heart of It

For some reason, I got up at 3am and worked on fine tuning my book for hours. I'm having a lot of fun with this part, adding details and such. I love this phase. So close to the finish! So close! I'm a bit nervous, but it's a good kind of thrill. Had to walk out the nerves -- six brisk miles in 95 degree weather, ha. I feel a l'il better now.

Hope your day is happy. Joyous. Peaceful.
C.A. MacConnell


What I Think About All of This

Hi, all. I think Mimi is sending me a message from Heaven. So it's 4:30am, and this is what I think about all of this, world:  It is love that makes the impossible possible. -- Indian proverb. Beyond everything, I believe in love. Always have, always will. Sometimes, it's just nice to have a reminder. Ah, fuck.

Other things I believe in:  honesty, faith, willingness, persistence, strength to do the next right thing, transparency, and laughter. Also, I miss kissing and curling up. You know, that stuff's rad too. Just what comes to mind. XO.

Have a lovely day. I'm off to fine tune my book. Hey, this guy reminds me of love every second of every day:

-- C.A. MacConnell


Video by Mayim Bialik

Check out this link. This is a great message.

I wholly support this video on the NAMI site by actress and neuroscientist Mayim Bialik.

Learn, educate, love.

And pass it on. One voice can do wonders.

Right now, and for the past month, and for god knows how long, in the little boys' section (not the 13 & up, but the 5-13 year old range) of Wal-Mart, there are stacks of T-shirts exploiting the mentally ill and baseball hats promoting suicide, all for a money-making, promotional movie venture. We can do better than this. Dear god, I hope so.

Every day, I pray and hope.

That's all I'll say about that topic. Time to focus on positive things.

C.A. MacConnell

Photos: Secrets

Hi there. Working, working, adding, filling out things on my latest book, making it all gel. :) Gonna take a nice walk today. Five miles. The sky looks lovely. I think they're called cirrus clouds, not sure, but they're rad. Wanna come? I'm still looking for a walk partner. It's tough to find a good walk partner, for sure. I suppose in my journey to find a walk partner there is one common denominator:  ME. hahaha. I realize this. Ah, well, maybe god wants me to walk alone.

C.A. MacConnell


Photo: Relax Love

Relax Love

Today's Truth:  It always works out. I can't always see them in the present, but looking back, I can always see a pattern of true miracles. <3

Be good to you today. We're all just trooping along.
C.A. MacConnell