Pray, Take Action, Wait, Pray.

Good afternoon. Love to you. Time to write!

Well! I've had repeated lessons in this:  pray, take action, wait, pray. Pray, take action, wait, pray. Pray, take action, wait, pray. Wait, wait some more. Now, I'm better at the "doing" than I am at the "waiting," I admit.

Recently, these series of circumstances or "battles," if you will, have happened to me regarding several big events in my life that have heavily pressed on my "fear buttons."

Certainly, with the first challenge, it rolled out haphazardly and proved to be incredibly messy, although I got through it, and it made me recognize the power of my fear...and how it can really destroy me if I allow it to take a hold. And it made me recognize my need to reach out for help and have faith in my higher power, to really trust. Trust. Aye, lessons in trust. For me, that means reaching out to friends, family, professionals, and listening for the answers on how to take the next step.

Humbling, indeed.

Now, I am in the middle of another similar situation. Pray, take action, wait, pray, take action, wait, pray. Here I am again. And again, it is challenging, but I am not allowing it to have the same amount of power. I'm proud of myself for this. Taking each step as it comes, I'm trusting and letting it unfold. 

I can't say I'm happy about the slow nature of how it's unfolding, no. The waiting is hard for me, for sure. But it creates a certain amount of integrity as well.

Life is challenging for everyone, I know. Events come at us from many different directions and sometimes, I honestly feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. And other times, I'll wonder how the hell something will work out. I suppose I'm thinking that thought right now. How the hell is this going to work out? Damn.

Not sure, to tell you the truth. I have no idea. I know what I desire but at this point, I have no control over whether or not that will happen. And perhaps, what I desire is not the best outcome. I don't know. More will be revealed. 

Maybe you are facing something similar. People around you are doing awful things, or events are unfolding in a jolting manner. Maybe the process to get through it is as slow as all hell, frustrating and demanding. That's what's happening to me. This morning, I took some action and now, I'm waiting, trying to take care of myself the best I can, trying to make wise decisions. 

And of course, talking to God all along the way.

It is uncomfortable. It is real. It is character-building. It is a chance to practice making repeated decisions to react to life's events in a new way. It is a chance to change the outcome that may have happened in the past. And that is why it is so difficult.

It is hard to look inward. It is hard to grow. It feels strange, unfamiliar, and shall I say, inherently sketchy. I find myself thinking things like this:  whoa, that move was risky. But was it risky? Or simply, new...and that feels like a leap in my mind.

I will write again when I get through this one. I'm sure I'll have another perspective. When faced with something jarring, I'm learning to pause and give the emotions time to settle, then persevere.

Tough stuff.

I hope that this day turns out peaceful for you. This morning, I made a decision to not allow others' actions to have power over my day, and I am sticking to that decision. After all, all we have is this moment. And I deserve peace. And so do you.

Perhaps I have helped you with my transparency. Remember to be gentle with yourself when you're learning new things. And I will do the same.

Pray, take action, wait, trust.

Wish me luck.

Sending love and light to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! 

P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email:  right here. 

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Redirection. Turn it around.

Good evening. What is it you are holding on to that keeps you separate from folks? Distant? Unable to love and be loved?

I'm asking myself that question just now. Those are big questions, I realize this.

So, what keeps me separate? Today, what strikes me is this:  obsession and fear, for sure. When I get overly focused and wrapped up in fear, it makes me self-obsessed, and I give off a vibe that scares people, no doubt; however, I will say that obsession can be used for good as well...for instance, when writing!

So, when I channel it correctly, I can use it as a positive force. 

And so, the key is to recognize obsession and fear not as a "red flag" per say; but rather, to notice that when I am going there, it is simply my brain's way of saying this:  either use your gift or get around people.

Redirection, rather than shame. XO.

I've never met anyone who doesn't feel fear. I'm certain that I obsess more than many folks, for sure...but like I said, when channeled correctly, it is a gift. Five books. Ha.

Tricky, indeed. But here I am, writing to you, using this gift. And maybe, just by putting this out there, I can help you as well.

Today, I worked hard, and I made a good haul for a Monday. But what was the sweetest part of my day? When I held the hand of an elderly lady and helped her walk across the parking lot, one step at a time. She had just gotten out of the hospital, and as we walked, she said, "It's a bitch getting old." I smiled and nodded, and we continued on our way. Before that moment, I was rather caught up in feeling my physical pain. But while I held her hand, I forgot about it.

Redirection is key. Help someone, whether it be in a parking lot or typing to you.

This winter has been extreme for these parts. I have had many challenges, beyond the weather. And I'm sure you have as well. If you're afraid right now, maybe your body is telling you to use your gifts. Like me.

I've been forgetting something very important. We are divine. At any moment, I can turn it around. And so can you.

Slow it down. Redirection. Turn it around. I'm in.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

The Rut

Life. As of late, I've been considering how strong the pull of the "old self" proves to be. I suppose that statement is kind of cool, since I recognize the fact that there is a "new self." Yes.

Daily, I have glimpses of the new peace. I am experiencing a taste of the acknowledgement of my unbelievable strength and courage. I have moments of seeing how amazing my journey has been. 

And it has been...amazing. Unbelievable at times.

Like many folks, it's a miracle that I'm still here. Let's just say, I am a fucking warrior. The memoir is already written. That's right, the whole shebang, an entire book. But I feel I wrote it for myself, not to share with the world. Someday I may rewrite and reconsider, I'm not sure.

You see, most days, I'm doing a lot better than I think I am, so to speak. Over the holidays, I had a bumpy spot, for sure, and it is still lingering. "In a rut," as some might say. Indeed.

But as I'm writing to you, I realize the "rut" isn't about losing everything, as I sometimes fear. Instead, it's just a blip that I'm pushing through.

And oftentimes, I'll think it has to do with outside shit. For instance, I'll want to fix things or control the course of my life. But really, what it has to do with is another level of trusting my higher power. Getting to this place has been quite messy, as I've trooped through some ugly feelings. And I'm still trooping, I admit. It has to do with staying put, feeling the feelings, and allowing events to unfold. Tough stuff.

So, here I am.

When I wrote my fifth book, I was thinking a lot about love, all kinds of love. I was longing for it, I suppose. Certainly, I was getting in touch with the child inside. And sometimes, I was longing for love from a person or persons.

Nothing wrong with that. Love between people is beautiful. But there is more...

Now, I'm coming more into a place of learning that speaks of this:  the love is already there. There is no need to search. It is all around you. It is within you. Screw the rut. You are stronger than this. I can't say I'm in this place all of the time but when I am, it is magnificent.

As humans, we seek outside reminders, I guess. And the reason for this, in my case, usually stems from shame. And so, when I'm not strong enough, I look to the outside for reinforcement. For me, the "love reminders" come from people, nature, animals, and the like. But it always rolls in, when I ask for the connection. 

But really, it's inside. Like people say, You can't find a true soul partner until you love yourself. Easy to say, harder to internalize. <3 And also, it's an impossible expectation to look to one person to fill all of the needs. Rather, it comes from multiple sources.

See where it comes from. Notice. Go there.

Thank you for being here. You are an important part of my journey, sharing these words with me. I'll tell you what I need to hear:  you're OK. God loves you, and if you're looking for an answer, just listen. And if you're in a "rut," that's all right; it'll change. It always does. I'm ready to rock and roll. Are you?

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! 

P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email:  right here. 

AUTHOR PAGE

Lens of Love

Did you ever notice the words that they use in the weather report? I've been checking it out lately, making a note. Or news titles? They repeatedly use words like this:  "plummet, warning, dead, recalled, severe, disappointing, loneliness, stuck, haircut, disappeared, money, steer clear, near-death, massacre, top ten, your health, worried, quitting, kidnapped, oppressive"...you get the drift.

When I was little, the news had some scary reports, sure...but it wasn't so driven by fear. There were stories about neighborhoods and displays of kindness. There were highlights of artists. Some days, musicians rocked out live tunes right in the middle of the morning report. Perhaps there was a showcase dedicated to a certain individual who was making a difference, helping folks. Half of the news cast would depict groups gathering together to participate in the community, to do good works.

What has happened? Fear. Fear. Fear. Recently, I heard someone say that there are only two primary emotions:  love and fear. If there's fear, there's no love. And fear is a lie.

So, where is the love? Where...is...the...love?

During my workdays, when I'm aware, I see the love all around. I really attempt to focus on the little things...which, in my opinion, are everything. See, these people who consistently touch my heart day in, day out, are golden to me. I have key relationships with folks who trudge through the days with me, and there is great love present within our inside jokes and simple existence. When I think about it right now, it warms my heart. Every day, I'm surrounded by this love, when I see the light. Love can come from various sources. Oftentimes, I expect it to come from one certain source but then, I come upon a surprise, and that particular person may not fill the need, so to speak. Instead, love rolls in from some stranger, or an animal, or an acquaintance, and the like. I always try to appreciate this random love but sometimes, I get caught up in the fear of the world as well.

Notice where the love is coming from, I tell myself. Revel in that.

For everyone, I'm sure it's hard to maintain a distance from the outside pressure of fear at times.

When I think about my life, my goals, my dreams, I suppose this daily love is key in pushing me forward. Big wins are fun, sure, but daily love and connection equal steadier contentment. When I'm aware of this support, I'm more in touch with the divine nature of things as well.

When someone is passing away, no one is present for the show, taking selfies, and the like. We are there to hold a hand, to shed a tear, to be present to for a beautiful life. Real. Genuine. Soulful. And as far as I can tell, none of us are getting out of here alive. And so, the day-to-day fear is a lie. The love is what matters.

Remember. Your heart. Remember. Look around. Focus on the heart of it all.

I am telling myself as well. Fear is a lie. I understand these words, but it's harder to own it, take it to heart, and experience it, living my life through the lens of love.

Today, I am putting this thought at my heart's center.

And also, I don't know. As I walk about my day, I could be a part of someone else's experience of love too. And it may be something extremely necessary, even if I don't even realize my contribution to someone's life. Let me be that person today.

I also heard this:  "Are you going to look for the pile of shit? Or are you going to look for the pony?" Ha, I'm trying to see the "pony;" that is, to see the world through the lens of love.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! 

P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email:  right here. 

AUTHOR PAGE

P.P.P.S. Have a great evening. I intend to. ;) <3 Hope you liked my essay. I've been writing a great deal of music, and it's fun. <3

All Wrong, All Right.

I woke up from a nap freaking out. I need a new job. I'm so alone. That girl hates me. So does he. I need to change everything. I'm pissed at three people. I need to write about it. I wrote about it, and I shared it, and I don't feel better really. I need to do more. Do, do, do. 

I suppose there's always something to work on. A new job. A new place to live. Personal growth. Feeling better. Any number of things. I tend to be one who seeks forward movement and change on the inside. But strangely, that can get me into trouble, because I'm extremely hard on myself, and I become rather obsessive and forget who I am. And who am I? Well, I guess I'm a creative warrior who still believes in true love, even at 51 years old. But there's a lurking notion of "I'm not good enough" that I can't seem to shake. But the essence of who I am is important and unique. And perhaps, what I need to focus on more is that which is good and true to my childlike heart. Perhaps, I need to see that I'm OK right here, right now, as I'm writing to you.

See, I can get trapped in the idea that I always need to be better, look better, and on and on. And that kind of thinking spirals downward quite quickly.

I've had a tough couple of weeks and maybe, it's time to just be gentle, relax, and let God take care of me. I spend a lot of time worrying about whether or not I can take care of myself. Well, maybe God can do that job just fine. What does that mean? I'm not saying that as a human I should sit around and do nothing, ha, no. But it's definitely not in my nature to be lazy. Actually, I'm an overachiever in every way...and one of those areas where I obsess too much? Personal growth.

I forget to have fun.

I forget to enjoy the child within.

I forget to be in the moment.

I forget to be and feel free.

I forget to be spontaneous.

I forget to listen to the sounds of the creatures of the day.

I forget how to show love to others.

I forget how to allow myself to be loved.

I forget how to be compassionate and gentle.

I forget to be wild.

I forget what makes me feel wild.

One thing is good about all of this. It drove me to write to you today, to share what's lurking inside. And that's something that is a gift, I believe. My little gift. The solo writer. Yes, it's a huge part of who I am. It is easy for me to express my thoughts on the page. It's in my blood. 

And so, there's a balance here. Personal growth vs. accepting who I am in this moment right now, celebrating my hard work and triumphs. Allowing myself to be human. Being gentle. Loving that creative warrior, that lone writer, that wild woman, that courageous child who lives inside of me.

Aye, I'm not a master at the balance. Because oftentimes, when I have down time, I find myself thinking about certain aspects of my character that I need to change, or I worry about negatives, things I need to "fix."

But what if, instead, I celebrate my talents. What if I celebrate these very words, my fingers, my mind, my desire to connect with you.

And so, I'm writing to you, celebrating the gift of word and reaching out in a way that's so familiar to me that it might as well be an extra toe or whatnot, ha. I wouldn't mind having an extra toe. Or a cape.

Perhaps my words will help you, too. I am the hero in this story. You are the hero in this story. And maybe, we've both got it all wrong. And maybe, we've both got it all right. I suppose it's a little of both. <3

Have a great evening. Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! 

P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email:  right here. 

AUTHOR PAGE

Crossroads

Good evening. I came upon a crossroads. An opportunity popped up that had to do with my former life. I wrestled with the decision...talked with others, made the lists, and on and on, like people do. But here's what I've noticed about myself:  my first gut reaction was no. And eventually, my final decision was no. It didn't change. It usually doesn't change for me. Why I spend so much time rolling it around, when I can trust my heart and my gut in the first place, I'm not sure. 

I guess I'm a human being trying to navigate this planet like everyone else.

I suppose it gets tricky when I think about, Hey, should I go against my gut? Is my gut wrong? Should I change and make a leap that's against everything I feel? Sometimes, I definitely think this can be a good idea in order to grow. In the recent past, I've done this a lot regarding relationships. In this situation, it didn't feel applicable at the time, considering all of the factors. 

Maybe I'm wrong, who knows. Today I find myself second-guessing my decision, beating myself up, and the like. I usually do that as well. I suppose I'll allow myself some time to process. It's OK. I'm frustrated, but I guess I can see it as an opportunity to narrow down what it is I really want to do. This particular situation wasn't it, obviously.

See, I want to do what makes my heart sing. And I can feel that when it happens, for sure. :) XO.

Until then, I guess I'll drive around and do deliveries and sing songs and dance in the aisles and write to you. Hey, wait a minute...I'm already doing what makes my heart sing. Who cares what people think of my "title." If I come across something else that gels with this notion, I'm all in.

Gratitude for recognizing this fact tonight. Always healing. Perhaps you are too. Maybe you're already doing what makes your heart sing, and you don't even realize it. Maybe we're in this together.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! 

P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email:  right here. 

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We Don't Know

There has been some more change going on in my life. Nonstop actually. I could use some down time, for sure, but my higher power seems to be pointing me in a new direction. I'm not certain how it's going to roll out yet, but it feels good to me. And scary too. Just muddling through it all, taking some risks and such, which has been quite jarring in the past few years. I've changed a lot, to put it mildly, and much of it has to do with walking through fear.

As I've said before, "God is in the surprise." Yes, indeed. The curveball, the unexpected, and the like. God is right there, altering the course at times, in my humble opinion. And I can choose to recognize the divinity in it and "go with the flow," so to speak, or I can resist. Up to me.

I've been tunneling through a whole big suitcase of fear, man. And to folks on the outside, I'm sure it looks messy at times. Until now, I wasn't aware of my deepest fears and how they have been running my life. I've been scratching the surface, sure, but at the present time, I'm barreling into the depths of it. Or maybe I always knew deep down, but it hadn't hit the surface, and I wasn't ready to face it all yet.

Now I know. Or I think I do, ha. Truth is, I don't know. Neither do you. We don't know. There is something bigger out there than this whole human clown show. Take a look at some ancient mountains. Or the seasons. The sky, the birds, nature in general. Nature knows more than we do.

We don't know.

This fear has nearly wiped me out numerous times; I've experienced panic, continuous racing heart, endless bouts of tears (and laughter too), and a number of physical reactions that I won't dive into here. I've experienced panic and such in the past and so, I know better now how to navigate the beast. But let's just say PTSD is no fun.

But it is also a great teacher.

Straight through it. If I don't walk through it, it tends to resurface, aye. I spent many years pushing it down, running around in circles. Many folks do this. Some continue to operate on fear their entire lives. Look around. Everyone's scared. They might seem angry. They might seem depressed. They might seem hellbent on looking perfect. They might seem overly focused on work, a relationship, or a cause. It's all around. It's all fear. Politics, money, appearances. Oh shit, and the news. Fear.

Have I mastered it? Hell no, I'm a baby too. Just like you. But I'm growing stronger in my faith every day. As a human, "trying" is everything. XO.

Be gentle with yourself. And I will be too.

For those who can relate to such human fears or for those who have experienced trauma (I am convinced that's everyone), I am sorry you have to go through this, but I can empathize. And also, as powerful as it can be at times, the fear will eventually dissipate. Just hang on, if you're walking through it like me. Hang on. Love to you. Get a fucking teddy bear. I keep planning on it, but I think I'll nab one from the stuffed animal claw machine today. I am a master at that game, ha. If you think you can beat me, you're wrong, ha.

But fear hasn't wiped me out thus far. I keep moving, despite it all.

A battle with the inner self. And a journey to make peace with the inner self. As I always say, "Look inward." It is hard work to look inward. That's why most folks, including me, often grab onto outside stuff as the "cause" or "source." But eventually, the journey always returns back to the self. I have to take a look at my part, my way of being, my feelings, my actions and reactions. That is the only way I can truly process through life's more difficult scenarios and change.

Hard truth. But don't we all do it? We grab onto news stories, outside relationships, car issues, house issues, money issues, you name it. We blame other things or other people for sadness or present circumstances, and the like. For instance, I might tell the world that I'm afraid my car might break down. Or it might change, and I might start telling everyone I'm afraid of a job situation. Or I might focus on a certain relationship issue. Doesn't matter, because the real fear rests within a lack of faith and fear within myself. Because it's not the car. It's not the job. It's not the other person.

Nothing on the outside is driving the monster.

I am.

It's what's inside.

Grinning just now. Maybe this will help you too.

It's all unfolding as you are reading this, as I am writing this. We don't know the power of the "unseen." Hang on for the ride but remember to love yourself. And I will too.

I don't know.

We don't know.

But since we both don't know, that means we're in this together. And that's a beautiful thing.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! 

P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email:  right here. 

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Little Pushes

Yesterday evening, I was with a group, and I was tired as all hell, feeling quite a bit of physical pain, and I was in a hurry to return home and meditate (meditation, movement, distraction, and crying help the pain the most) and then, something came over me. Even though I was pretty set on my "get home" mission, I turned around, retraced my steps, and approached a certain woman, briefly mentioning that I always liked what she had to share. She thanked me, and it was a simple, warm moment, aye.

And then, as is my Thursday night routine, I headed over to the quickie mart to pick up some ice cream and cookies. Well, as I turned in the driveway, an enormous SUV backed up...or should I say...barreled out of its parking space, missing my car by about a millimeter. If I would've pulled in one second sooner, the entire side of my car would've been toast.

I lost my breath. And then it came back, as breath tends to do. My car is my livelihood...since I do deliveries. I grinned a little, thinking about the timing and my luck.

I thought about how earlier, something came over me. Something told me to pause, to speak to that woman. If I'd chosen to leave without following my hunch, my car would've been out of commission later -- a definite mess of a wreck.

But was it luck? Or was it a little, special voice meant for me? I choose to think that it was my heart protecting me. Or God, if you will.

And it reminded me to pay attention to those little pushes, messages, feelings, and hunches.

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my routines, my overthinking, and my anxiety, that I fail to hear my heart. I lose track. Of course, I lose track. I'm a flawed human being haphazardly dancing around in this wild world, just like you. And some days, it seems like there's no damn roadmap, for sure, ha. Just little old me and my hands. Just little old you and your hands.

Grab the fuck on for the ride, as scary or joyful or overwhelming or hilarious as it may be.

We're all reaching out...looking for something or someone to hold onto. Yes. Every moment of the day. Look around. Everyone's tiptoeing around the planet with tools they learned from other flawed humans. And what a mess that is at times. And what a wondrous miracle that is at other times.

A spider web is perfect. And we are not. But when we love, we create a perfect web. That's all we have to do. That's the solution. We get lost in the wind, but the web is there, waiting for us to add on or rebuild. OK, maybe I just got hilariously lost in that terrible metaphor. See, I'm not above cracking up at my own writing.

Anyway, you get the drift, ha. Help build that damn web, if you can. And I will too.

Life is about love. Love. Simple as that. Learning to love the self. Learning to love others. Scraping away all of the bullshit one layer at a time, if we so choose, so that we can help ourselves and help one another.

Pay attention to those little pushes.

Have a great evening. I'm speaking tonight. Strangely, it's a place where my great Grandpa was one of the founders. Everything's connected.

And now, after I just wrote to you, I think I can harness this physical pain and make it there tonight. XO. See, we're in this together.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! 

P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email:  right here. 

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I Go Somewhere

You know what I crave? Porch swings, small lakes, beach swings, tiny homes with stone paths leading to the door, the moment in certain films, the instant that exists right before the last word is spoken, or the second, the breath that occurs right before the last image appears, one willow tree branch drifting with the wind, reaching to touch another, the space of time that lingers as the air, the breath of God, moves leaves. Fire. Love. Music. Touch. Peace. Safety. A blanket and a teddy bear. Time that has no time at all...to simply...be. Play. Play. Play. I'm winking just now. A fucking mosh pit. I'm too old, but I'd sure try anyhow, ha. Riding in some car, cracking up, the music blaring, with no direction in mind. Naked hiking. Actually, I intend to do that soon. Nudist joints appeal to me from time to time. Yes, indeed.

And don't you believe that the trees hear us? I'm not certain people truly hear me, but I know that the trees do. They seem so kind, so gentle. People can be fierce and unpredictable. Although, sometimes loving and unique, of course. But I feel that only the trees hear my true voice. Today, I talked to them. Of course, throughout my days, I speak to folks anyhow. Just for kicks, I guess. Many days, I still feel invisible. 

But I speak anyway. Just because that's what people do. When I'm moving, when I'm working, I'm actually quite light and carefree at times. I am oftentimes hilarious. Strange to think about how I was joking around just a few hours ago. 

How different I can be from one hour to the next.

Truth be told, when I am alone, writing, or when I'm singing songs, when I'm in this space, I'm still the same person that I was when I was nine years old.

I go somewhere.

Hello, I'm glad you're here. Nice to see you going somewhere with me. Have a nice evening, kiddo. We are secret children.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! 

P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email:  right here. 

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Adventure and Connection

It's the end of my work week, and I'm sitting here like a grade school girl, wishing that love was like the movies. Growing up, I guess books and movies were the examples of love that I came to know. Also, my imagination. For instance, I used to dream that I was part of the cast of Dances with Wolves. Or Goonies. I wanted the adventure, and the intense connections. I still do. I long for it constantly, at least when I have down time. I create it in my songs and books, I suppose. The feeling I longed for...it had nothing to do with appearances. 

Rather, it was all about adventure and connection. Still is. Deep connection. Yes.

And yesterday, I was in the sanctuary wishing to God that one of my dreams would be real, in real life, in real time. I suppose I've been disappointed by movies, books, and my imagination, because some of it becomes quite real to me, at least when we're talking about emotions. 

Is that part of being an artist? Creating that loneliness on purpose? I'm wondering. A lot of great artists struggle with loneliness, depression, and the like. Even when I'm writing comedy it happens. Artists have all sorts of dilemmas on the side, but humans in general struggle with all of these things. So, I won't assume that any of it is special and simply reserved for artists. No. I think that notion is a cliche.

Perhaps I'm touching on a hole that everyone can relate to. Some say, fill it with God. Or focus on loving the self. Or help others. I haven't mastered these notions...I still look to outside things some days. Or, I stay alone and keep writing, things of that nature. I channel it into art, which keeps me alive, honestly. I do help a lot of folks...and that feels right to my heart. Yes. 

But I don't know the answer to this separateness we all seem to experience, and I don't know why it exists. 

Seems like the world should be gentler and less complicated.

But why can't one dream be real? Perhaps it is. It's all quite confusing to me right now, to put it mildly. After finishing my fifth book, I've been uncomfortable. Uncomfortable. Because I'm definitely changing, and it's uncomfortable. So, here I am. Fifty. Getting older by the day. Feeling older too. Looking in the mirror and feeling quite a bit of loss. And for a while I became trapped in the idea of wanting to fix everything, to keep up with all those Internet girls, stars, or young girls, or whatever. But just the thought of it is exhausting and sad to me. Going down that road doesn't make me happy. It's just not right to my heart.

But I'm real.

Does that matter to anyone?

I don't know.

Yes, it matters to my friends. And oftentimes, people approach me and tell me they appreciate my openness. So, there's that. But it scares folks too.

I'm definitely not anyone's trophy wife. I'm stubborn and strong as fuck some days. Other days I cry and want a cookie. Still other days you'll find me randomly dancing about my workday, cracking jokes like mad. I'm wild, unpredictable, and free, and that scares people too.

There is a fire inside of me that only singing touches. There is a fire inside of me for a completely different life, and I feel like I've fucked up. How I wish I could go back. I have a lot of regrets.

I remember hearing a story about Frida, how she and her lover lived in separate apartments that were connected by a walkway above ground. I understood that, but that's not for me either. I want to be with my wolf. I've had partners before, sure, over time, but it's been twelve years now. Twelve years, yeah. In that time, I've done a ton of therapy, written four books, built a lot of strength, and created a ton of photography, songs, and other things. But last night, when I was enjoying creating a new song in the sanctuary, I asked God for the dream to be real. 

Adventure and connection. Music. Yes. I'm not seeking. Instead, I'm experiencing these feelings and listening to the storm rolling in. And for what it's worth, I feel the fire inside of me right now, writing to you. 

Again, it has nothing to do with surface or appearances. It has to do with a soul connection. Indeed. For me, that fills the hole. And now, here we are, and I am smiling again.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! 

P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email:  right here. 

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The Wild

Imagination. Yesterday, I made a list of the times in my life when I felt happiest. Dancing in the desert, skinny dipping, nude hikes, relaxing in a field, watching horses graze, things of that nature. Some of them had to do with partners or friends, people who brought out the wild in me, mostly. Other moments were simply lone times when I tapped into it myself.

But these are the times when I've been at my best. And I think that's where the heart of my new book comes from as well -- longing for that wildness and also, longing to share that with someone as well. Of course, I can tap into it on my own, and I have for many years. I feel it when I get deep into writing fiction or poetry. I also feel it when I'm singing, on certain walks, or when I take photos. Concerts can put me there too. Not all, but some. I especially miss the nineties concerts and the mosh pits...those were the epitome of the feral feel that I adore. And still other days, I can reach that place just by dreaming or becoming lost in my imagination.

Ah, the wild. Yes. Ever since I was a little girl, I've longed for that freedom. I still do. There's a part of me that feels a little different than many around me. Maybe that's my creative nature or free spirit, I'm not sure. Or maybe we all long for it; some of us just express it more than others. That may be the truth. I'm not sure.

I suppose I spend many days wishing I were a tree or a hawk. To me, things make more sense in that realm.

When I look at my list, and I remember all of these moments, and I ask myself which one strikes me as the one that stands out, it's this:  I was driving cross country with a friend, and we happened upon a Native American gathering in the Nevada desert, and all night long, we danced around the fire. It was magnificent. I was right in the moment, and I wasn't worried about a goddamn thing. Later, we froze our asses off when the temperature dropped, ha, and we had to use our body heat to stay warm and so, we hugged each other. We weren't partners. We did it to survive, and it was innocent and unique. I'll never forget that evening. The vision of it fills my heart with warmth.

The wild is inside...but a desert fire helps. XO. And so does music, and the like. And so do leaders...other creative souls who pave the way there. Sometimes, we need someone to give us permission to play, to be free...until we can do it ourselves. When I get too serious, these leaders can point me back to the child inside that I love. 

After all, when someone is near, and he sparks me with passion, it is a reflection of my desires. And so, it unfolds. We can help each other, if we're aware. We can help each other with the spark. We can help each other return there, if need be.

I'm not sure what's next for me, but I intend to read a bunch, and I have a book of fiction started...so that's on my mind. :) I've been enjoying writing songs on piano and singing in churches, and I have a whole album written now. Pretty rad. It's funny. I just play to God, and I don't really think too much about having an audience. I wouldn't mind necessarily, but I'm just having fun creating.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! 

P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email:  right here. 

AUTHOR PAGE

New World

 

I wasn't able to get a great shot, but yesterday, I saw this double rainbow, and I had to post it. It blew me away.

Here's a taste of what's to come...

New World

I am hungry.

I am awake.

I am confused about so many things.

I'm making new, uncomfortable decisions.

I'm making decisions that are familiar too.

Old and new, I am trying.

Beautiful.

I am changing, but I am also honoring my past wisdom. Some days it feels scary and unique. Yesterday, I was afraid because I was happy, as if I didn't deserve such peace and happiness. But I do.

And so do you.

It is amazing to know that at any given moment, I can create a whole new world.

C.A. MacConnell

P.S. NOVELS:  Four published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email:  right here.

It Begins with Me

Everything is here.

In this moment, everything is right here.

In front of me, all around me, I have created everything that I see, smell, touch, taste, and feel.

I have created the entire world around myself.

I am responsible.

What can I do today to honor myself and honor the world around me? Large or small, how can I become a part of healing and goodness? Can I help people? Can I help myself? Can I sit patiently or take some action?

It begins with me.

I suppose I've decided that I will be happy, light, and free today, that I will see the magic in the little things, that I will dance when I feel like dancing.

It begins with me.

Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell C. 2025

Lifelines

Good morning.

You're OK.

No, it's not perfect.

You're doing a great job.

Your imperfections make you the beautiful human that you are.

Focus on the tiny details, the beauty all around, the laughter and the love that enters your life today. Life may not be perfect, but the mystery of love, and the way that it circles around through each moment, is perfect.

If you lose track, find an ancient tree. Or a young one. No matter. Move closer. Talk to it. Touch it. Feel the lifelines there. Feel the gentleness.

Yes.

C.A. MacConnell

I'm Asking.

Good morning. What is right next to you? What is right in front of you? What is right behind you? Who is there? Who responds and reciprocates? Where is the love, the action of the word, in your life? I'm asking.

I'm wondering.

Where is the love, the action, within myself?

What is it I can do today to give and receive love? How can I be a part of the good?

I'm asking.

C.A. MacConnell

How I Talk to Myself.

When I woke up this morning, I had a number of rapid thoughts. My mornings usually begin this way. Actually, my mind moves quickly all of the time, although people are usually surprised when I say that, because my outside appearance/general countenance completely hide it. Be careful what you think about people's outsides! Anyway, my mind moves at a swift pace. Sometimes, it's great...when I'm writing characters and such. Other times, it can be difficult to manage. I'm sure that's true for many folks. I have no idea; I just know my experience. But after I stepped back and did some reading, I noticed the train of thinking regarding my first thoughts, and I observed the way that I talk to myself.

When I take a look at it, I realize that most of the thinking toward myself is typically negative and harsh. Sitting here observing this "go-to" line of thinking. Where does this come from? A number of places. I'm not as concerned about that.

But I have to ask myself this:  how would I talk to someone else in the morning? How would I talk to a child, or a friend, or a pet? How would I talk to someone that I dearly love?

And that entirely changed my mode of thinking.

Notice. Because the outside world is a reflection of what's on the inside. I create the world around me based on my thinking, my past, my experiences, and my choices. And so, if I want a world full of love, I have to begin with talking to myself in this manner.

I'd rather have a day like that. I'd rather wake up and celebrate all of my strengths and victories. I'd rather celebrate the unique, broken, and wonderful human that I am right now. Maybe I've made mistakes, but everyone has, and I am more helpful as a human when I feel loved, happy, cared for, and peaceful. When I am honored and heard. And somewhere inside this special place, there rests a universal force that I call, "God."

And so, instead, I'll begin with this:  self, right now, good morning, I love you. You are doing a great job. Just do the next right thing for you. It's OK, you don't have to be perfect! No big deal! The universe wants you to feel better. You help so many people every day, and it's awesome. Just keep doing it. Your job is to see how awesome you are. Everything will work out. Don't forget to laugh today! Have fun and look around every second and be aware, because there are miracles all around.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

If you are enjoying my writings and photos, please consider purchasing a book or a print. Or, consider donating to my site. "Donate" button on the right side of this page. Everything helps! <3

P.S. NOVELS:  Four published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it.

P.P.S. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or, prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Msg FB:  C.A. MacConnell or Email:  right here.

Let's Begin Again

I've messed up a lot this year! Everything is going to get really messed up! I need to fix and change everything right now!

Ever start the day this way? I just did. Hm, let's change that.

Let's begin again.

There will always be some sort of problems going on, but I don't need to focus on the problems. I'm a trooper, and I've done some amazing things this year, and my growth and progress have been huge, and I can't even believe it when I think about all I've been through. I can't even believe how strong I've been in spite of so much going on!

Yesterday was so much fun. I laughed a lot, stayed right in the moment, and helped a bunch of folks. I didn't think I was a "mess-up" yesterday.

Yesterday, I remained calm, stayed in the flow, and I helped others.

Today, in spite of my problems, I can stay calm, stay in the flow, and help others.

And just right now, I've been reminded of something that I learned 27 years ago, and that is this: if I show up, have faith and courage, remain gentle with myself while taking right actions, help others, and trust my higher power, the problems will solve themselves.

Good morning. Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

If you are enjoying my writings and photos, please consider purchasing a book or a print. Or, consider donating to my site. "Donate" button on the right side of this page. Everything helps! <3

P.S. NOVELS:  Four published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it.

P.P.S. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or, prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Msg FB:  C.A. MacConnell or Email:  right here.

Here We Are.

This morning, I feel fear in my heart, which is a familiar feeling in the morning for me. Sometimes throughout the day. Yesterday, it was really bad. I had to take a lot of action to get through the day. Today, it's lingering from yesterday. Sometimes, I'll grab on to something specific that snowballs. Other times, the fear feels as if it's encompassing anything and everything.

I don't think I'm unique. I'm just sharing my experience. I dunno, I may deal with it more than others right now. I may feel afraid more than some others in general. And some people surely have more fear than me. I have no idea. All I know is that this is my story right here, right now. And it really has nothing specific to do with politics, as you may assume, although that doesn't help.

In reality, it has to do with what's changing inside of me, and the fear of going forward. Some days, I'm free of it, and that's amazing. I've worked hard to experience this phenomenon, ha, this lightness and freedom. Hell yeah.

Outside people, places, things, events, and distractions can help, but the power is always on the inside. No one can "make" me feel a different way. It all happens inside. Everything and everyone around me are merely a reflection.

Wishing it away doesn't help. Reassurance doesn't help. What does? Allowing myself to just be afraid, to have it be OK. Talking with folks who don't try to fix me. They just listen and give me the gift of feeling. Sometimes, it helps when folks listen and then assist me in taking a direct action that is necessary. Music and writing can be helpful too but oftentimes, a distraction, or an ear and a hug are what's best. Or, simply, a series of phone calls. Just reaching out to the right people. That's key.

But that's just me. People process things in different ways.

And would you look at that...I just wrote it all out to you.

Thank you for reading and allowing me to feel. You are a part of this. Now I can get ready for the day.

And perhaps, if you are reading, and you can relate, maybe I have allowed you to freely feel as well. And maybe I've given you "an ear and a hug" too.

We're here for each other. There's nothing complicated about this life for me anymore. It's about love. Loving myself, loving others. Trying to help, being present for each other. Here we are.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell C. 2025

P.S. If you enjoy my writings, photos, and the like, please consider purchasing a print, buying a book, or donating to my site...there's a button on the right side of this page to donate. Everything helps. Thanks, C.A.

P.P.S. NOVELS:  Four published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW! I guarantee you'll never forget the ride! On the way to number ONE! Help me get there! Creative, fast-paced, unique, and gripping. Full of heart, real. I independently handle everything -- the creation, writing, editing, and interior/exterior design. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. <3, C.A.

P.P.P. S. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or, prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Msg FB:  C.A. MacConnell or Email:  right here.

Morning Thoughts.

This morning, I just allowed myself to write and be in the moment, for no reason other than to just be me. And this is what came out. From my heart.

Sitting here, making coffee, I worry about taking care of myself, and the like. I usually think about being alone and such. I worry about physical pain. I think about the future. At fifty, I wonder who will be there if I break a hip someday. Not sure. Sometimes, I think about aging and my looks although I've been letting a lot of that go. But I also think, it's OK to do some things for myself.  Sometimes, I read some spiritual things...sometimes I like them and sometimes, I don't, ha. I might think about the books I've written and daydream quite a bit, and my imagination is fierce most of the time. I laugh about how terrible I am at marketing. I worry about our country, our world, and the like. The weather, a symptom.

Some mornings, I feel sexy. Other times, I feel fierce and wild. And still other days, I'm terrified or peaceful. I suppose it's OK to be afraid. I suppose it's OK to be human. I talk to that which I call God -- everything, everyone, every creature, nature, and the divinity within.

I text some folks. I poke around at some readings, and I check out some photos and other art. I read some fiction. I pay some bills. I look at my pink slippers and wonder if I should wear them more. They just sit there most of the time. Then I think about a character who always wears pink slippers, a killer, yeah, ha. Then I develop a whole story about The Pink Slipper Killer. And I'll be annoyed until I start writing about the mess. And then, I start cracking up.

And I often dream about a small house, a pet, a partner, me sitting in a comfy chair reading something while someone else is there, present in another room...working on something. It warms my heart and yet, in my present life, the days keep rolling out pretty much the same...I laugh, have fun, work hard, read, write, and try to help some folks. I drift around. Pretty simple. When I am not working, I'm alone most of the time, which is OK. I don't know if I'll ever have that yellow kitchen. Or that person in the other room. I suppose I'd like a dog and a keyboard too, I dunno. I'm stuck in a dream that I want to be real. I've been there my whole life. Sometimes, I crack up at that too.

When am I truly at my best lately? Well, I enjoy singing. And the other day, I was taking a walk, and I sang some Nina Simone lines, and I picked up a stick, and I imagined that I was a great warrior from another land, and I talked to the trees and the sky, and I felt as free and wild as if I were 5 years old. I have these kinds of adventures a lot on my walks, on a daily basis, and it is magnificent.

My best self is not when I am at work. My best self is when I am at play. And when the work is play, rad. I know the magic when I am alone, and I am accustomed to that but every now and then, when I allow my best self to shine, I can add a little magic to someone else's life too.

Maybe I am doing that for you right now.

Yes.

Yesterday, I asked myself this question: what is it that I truly want and need? Then I got quiet, and I waited, and I allowed my thoughts to settle.

The answer: allow yourself to play and love. Allow yourself to play and be loved. When I am in touch with myself in the moment, and I share this with you, the magic simply happens. XO.

Good morning. Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Lefty

Back when I rode horses, I owned three different ones over the years, but I often rode a bunch of other horses to practice every day, and one of my favorites was a bay gelding named Lefty. He was a gentle, sweet Thoroughbred, and he was consistent and rather fun to ride; he was also a talented jumper with perfect form. So, you’d think that everyone would want to ride him. Not so. Why? Well…

You see, Lefty had one major flaw. Whether tracking to the right or the left in a ring, he only cantered on the left lead. Normally, when cantering, tracking to the right, a horse leads with the right front leg. But Lefty couldn’t. He never did and never would. Never. No one could ever get him to do it. In any direction, he always lead with the left leg (probably due to an old racetrack injury, because he was bought off of the track). Anyway, obviously that’s where his name came from. So, no one ever wanted to ride him, because at any horse show, this would be an automatic no-no. And there was no way Lefty would ever be in the ribbons.

But I loved him. I rode him all of the time, and I even took him to a show. Time after time, we’d have perfect rounds but of course, I never got any ribbons on him because of his left-sided issue. In a way, it was kind of fun, because I knew from the get-go that I’d never win anything, no matter how good our jumping course was and so, there was absolutely no pressure; it was pure fun…just Lefty and me.

I continued to ride and love the guy for a few years, off and on, whenever he needed some exercise. I always jumped at the chance. Well, I didn’t have to jump, because no one else wanted to ride him, ha.

Well, this afternoon, I was about to take a nap, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Lefty. Resting there on the couch, I grinned and pictured his handsome face. I even remembered the exact shape of his eyes. Maybe he had an imperfection, but he was very good looking, kind, gentle, sensitive, shy, extremely sweet, fun to ride, and as loving as they came.

Lefty was perfectly imperfect. Like me. Like you.

All of us are.

So love yourself. Love others. That’s why we’re here.

C.A. MacConnell

P.S. Happy New Year. Love to you.