Life. As of late, I've been considering how strong the pull of the "old self" proves to be. I suppose that statement is kind of cool, since I recognize the fact that there is a "new self." Yes.
Daily, I have glimpses of the new peace. I am experiencing a taste of the acknowledgement of my unbelievable strength and courage. I have moments of seeing how amazing my journey has been.
And it has been...amazing. Unbelievable at times.
Like many folks, it's a miracle that I'm still here. Let's just say, I am a fucking warrior. The memoir is already written. That's right, the whole shebang, an entire book. But I feel I wrote it for myself, not to share with the world. Someday I may rewrite and reconsider, I'm not sure.
You see, most days, I'm doing a lot better than I think I am, so to speak. Over the holidays, I had a bumpy spot, for sure, and it is still lingering. "In a rut," as some might say. Indeed.
But as I'm writing to you, I realize the "rut" isn't about losing everything, as I sometimes fear. Instead, it's just a blip that I'm pushing through.
And oftentimes, I'll think it has to do with outside shit. For instance, I'll want to fix things or control the course of my life. But really, what it has to do with is another level of trusting my higher power. Getting to this place has been quite messy, as I've trooped through some ugly feelings. And I'm still trooping, I admit. It has to do with staying put, feeling the feelings, and allowing events to unfold. Tough stuff.
So, here I am.
When I wrote my fifth book, I was thinking a lot about love, all kinds of love. I was longing for it, I suppose. Certainly, I was getting in touch with the child inside. And sometimes, I was longing for love from a person or persons.
Nothing wrong with that. Love between people is beautiful. But there is more...
Now, I'm coming more into a place of learning that speaks of this: the love is already there. There is no need to search. It is all around you. It is within you. Screw the rut. You are stronger than this. I can't say I'm in this place all of the time but when I am, it is magnificent.
As humans, we seek outside reminders, I guess. And the reason for this, in my case, usually stems from shame. And so, when I'm not strong enough, I look to the outside for reinforcement. For me, the "love reminders" come from people, nature, animals, and the like. But it always rolls in, when I ask for the connection.
But really, it's inside. Like people say, You can't find a true soul partner until you love yourself. Easy to say, harder to internalize. <3 And also, it's an impossible expectation to look to one person to fill all of the needs. Rather, it comes from multiple sources.
See where it comes from. Notice. Go there.
Thank you for being here. You are an important part of my journey, sharing these words with me. I'll tell you what I need to hear: you're OK. God loves you, and if you're looking for an answer, just listen. And if you're in a "rut," that's all right; it'll change. It always does. I'm ready to rock and roll. Are you?
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW!
P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email: right here.
