We Just Held Each Other

Positive thought for today, for me, for you:

I've been grieving many things this year. I know I'm not unique here. Because in this instant, various people are going through the whole gamut of emotions right now. Whitman comes to mind. In the poem, Song of Myself, Whitman wrote, "Do I contradict myself?/Very well then I contradict myself,/(I am large, I contain multitudes)." See, over there, if you look closely, someone is weeping. And somewhere else, another is freaking out and then, cracking up. Humanity is what it is.

But with grief, I've noticed that there is no real pattern to the emotions, and they are many. I've had ongoing, challenging physical reactions as well. Anyway, one day last week, I was in the middle of my workday, buying a cookie at a quickie mart. Right at the register, randomly, I broke out in tears. (Now, this might not seem like a "positive thought for the day," ha, ha, I know, but wait...stay with me...)

You see, one special woman was working that day. Special, because she noticed my tears, and she began talking to me. Even though people were waiting in line, she stopped, ignored her work, and she put all of her attention and energy on me. Indeed, she had intense, strong, beautiful, almond-shaped green/brown eyes, and as we talked, I realized that she and I had experienced similar circumstances, although her story was much more challenging, and she was further along the path than me. By the way she spoke and moved, I could tell that she was strong as fuck. She paid no mind to the other customers, and she walked around the counter, hugged me, and held me for a while. We stood there -- two strangers embracing -- and she began to tear up as well.

Simply, in the middle of customers, workdays, commotion, and the like, we just stopped everything...we just held each other.

And feeling her warm arms around me, I realized that if she could press forward, I could too. And I was reminded once again that vulnerability is never a sign of weakness; rather, it brings us together, and it creates miraculous moments.

And guess what? I trooped through the rest of my day, and I felt strong as fuck, like her. Because honesty and true connection brought me right back into the moment and suddenly, God was strikingly present inside and around my small self, living and breathing between this woman and me.

When we are vulnerable and share our authentic stories of life experience, we are always in the right place at the right time. We have the power to change and save lives.

C.A. MacConnell

P.S. Good morning, R. Just a note to say I love you.

Ready to Ride.

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: night before, I had a dream that some man smiled and quietly asked me if I'd like him to get my horse ready for me to ride. I jumped and smiled. My horse was bay, huge, and cantankerous, but in the dream, I was riding him.

See, I worked my ass off in the horse business for 20 years...I was a shit shoveler, lounge cleaner, rider, groom, assistant trainer, trainer, you name it. Even when I was a trainer, no one ever got a horse ready for me, ha. Over the years, I've had numerous horse dreams -- most of them have involved panic -- late for a show, missing lessons, looking for my old horse, things of that nature. In every single one, I've never made it to actually riding.

But in this particular dream, I did. I was simply riding.

One of my main spiritual advisors, someone other than my sponsor, has been gravely physically ill for the past couple of months and at first, I was rather frightened. I've leaned on him for many years. But it's been teaching me an important lesson, and I can hear him whispering it in my ear, even though he's not in front of me. It's this: trust yourself. You have a vast amount of insight, more than they do. Trust yourself.

And so, I suppose I'm finally ready to "ride;" that is, although I realize there is always more learning, I know that all of the experiences, all of the work I've done...I don't have to look outside myself for answers. The answers are inside of me.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo, Film Shot.

 

Good morning. Stay with it! Don't give up. Sometimes, life may feel strange or confusing, but I'll realize later that I was simply ... just on the edge... on the edge of happy. Love to you, C.A. MacConnell.

Sunday Night.

 

C.A. MacConnell

ILY

 

Sending out a lotta love and light tonight. Been gushy today, ha. :) Lately, I'm so raw...feels good though. Just feeling it all. Not hiding anything lately. Can be messy, can be beautiful.

C.A. MacConnell

Night with You.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Good morning. Just some thoughts...

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you:

I've always believed in "true love." I still do. People mean all sorts of different things when they use those words. For me, the words hold a touch of magic and mystery, just as the word "God" does.

See, when people use the word, "God," they usually mean different things. But people who have a similar view of "God" often gather together.

And so, it seems to me that two who believe in a similar notion of "true love" are working on finding their way together. And they have been, all along, without even realizing it.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Photo.

 

Good morning,
C.A. MacConnell

Log Men.

 

These guys crack me up, every time I look at this photo. Wonder about the conversations they must be having. Actually, I've written some poems, lines, and stories about them. Just trying to lighten my morning. Indeed, I've been too serious!

Hope you have a good day. What I'm thinking about:  how can I show compassion and love toward myself today? How can I show compassion and love toward you? That's what's on my mind.

Been trying to focus on letting God lead me to the next step, in the moment...where I go, what I do, just follow what happens...for instance, follow the surprises...if I get a random text asking me to go to a certain place, go, stuff like that. :) Attempting to let go of my controlling nature in small ways. Takes some of the pressure off, anyhow, ha. Let's see what happens next.

Hope I get a chance to communicate with those I need to...I've been confused for a long time, but it's OK. It has forced me to look at myself. Humbling and painful, but real and so, I'm grinning as I write this, because it's changing my life, and I feel a deeper love there.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Photo.

 

Yesterday, I met someone, and after we were just exchanging brief words, I said to him, "There is a lot of comfort in your eyes. Thank you." It wasn't what he said. It was simply the way he looked at me, and the feel, and it was interesting...it felt like the comfort was coming from the whole universe. Very cool feeling. I could feel God in the silence. He was touched by it as well. Never know when you might be a messenger of sorts.

Good morning. Wonder what God has in store for me today? Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

Bird, Cloud.

Good morning! Can't say from day to day I'm very grounded, because I'm in some unknown territory I suppose...best I can describe it without writing you a novel right now, but I'm rolling with it the best I can without being drastic, so I'm proud of that. Something I just wrote on social media that kinda describes it:  Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: maybe it's cliche, but it's entering my mind...follow the heart. I can do this, just today. Because my heart seeks love...I want to head toward that. Sometimes I get lost, but that's where God comes in.

Hope you have a good day. Hope I get a chance to talk to those I need to very badly! But this past year or so has been very confusing, and I honestly have no idea what I'm doing sometimes. Maybe that's good, I dunno. Maybe that's humility. Who knows. I'm not even going to try and be wise today. I'm just going to try and do the basics...go to work and be kind. Put one foot in front of the other...that kind of thing. Seems like I can't go wrong there. Maybe there is wisdom in that, ha.

Hey, God, help me out here. That's my prayer this morning.

Hope you have a beautiful day. Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Man on Steps, New Orleans. And a Little Note.

 

A shot I took when I was in New Orleans briefly. Not a huge fan of the city...too much for me, ha. But I did enjoy the swamp tour and the ghost tour. Here's something I just wrote on social media...just where I'm at this morning...

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: I woke up feeling dark, untrusting, alone, and fearful. Today, I can step outside of myself and know that these feelings come from past, false information. And today, I know that recognizing this is part of my journey to love myself and in turn, part of my journey to love you.

Some days, I can successfully turn it around quickly now, but not always. This has been hanging on since yesterday. But the acknowledgement of it is key, and I'm learning slowly.

Love to you, C.A. MacConnell.

Red in Winter.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Winter Saturday.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Double Slide.

 

C.A. MacConnell

January 20, 2024

Theme for today:  dangerous and sexy.

C.A. MacConnell 

Skater, Devou Park.

 

Good morning. Wanted to post a colorful shot today. Feeling happy/content at the moment. :) Been reflecting a lot lately...when I look back, I can see so many amazing things. Sometimes I can't see it in the present tense...and when I think about all of the hard stuff I've trooped through, it makes me feel full. I'm a little scared too, b/c it's ingrained in my nature to be fearful when I'm happy. I know, sounds strange...but there's good reason for this. I've gotten better at allowing the joy to roll in, but it's taken time for me...

Hope you have a beautiful day, wherever you are, whatever you're getting into. Love to you, C.A. MacConnell

Kylin.

 

One of my faves of him. <3,
C.A. MacConnell

Coffee or Tea.

Photo on film. I've always liked this shot. At first, this coffee shop was a cluttered mess that was owned by the same guy for like 20 years. He roasted his own beans, and he was rather fiery, to say the least, and he adored the band, Marcy Playground. Played that band 24/7. Actually, I met that band once briefly, but I never told the coffee shop guy, because I thought he might freak out, ha. But I liked this fiery fellow a lot. Then he disappeared, sold the shop, and it became a new coffee shop -- less cluttered, more Prince memorabilia, and I worked there. Just to pay homage to the first owner, I sometimes played Marcy Playground, ha. Then, a year later, it shut down again, and it became yet another coffee shop, one that is currently ultra-modern. I have to say, I liked the first one the best.

Good morning. Just something that rolled out of my brain just now. Perhaps it'll be helpful? Reposting from social media:

Positive thought for today, for me, for you: sometimes, gratitude can be a strange concept and also, it can feel not as authentic or forced at times...but I like to harness it, make it a bit smaller and more attainable, and think of it like this: I'm grateful for this experience right now, because down the road, I will see the pattern and the miracle, even if the true nature of things escapes me at the moment. So let me stop, pause, look up at the sky, and notice the beauty and mystery of this instant. Guess what? I am part of the beauty and the mystery. Thank you.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Boots.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Backyard, Bridge Wall

 
Backyard

Bridge Wall

Some abstract shots I took yesterday. I like how they turned out.

C.A. MacConnell

Glove 56.

 

Perhaps it took me 56 tries, but I finally got a winner. haha

C.A. MacConnell

Bengals Employees Only.

 

I really like this one. A li'l joke too. :) Sweet. Just out in the cold fucking around.

C.A. MacConnell

You Lead.

 |

Not sure why I picked this photo to post...just struck me right now for some reason. Randomness. Maybe you'll dig it. Got some copy work to do today...kind of struggling with getting going, but glad I don't have to deliver in such fierce cold! Rest assured, though, I will still walk later in this cold...I always have to get out and check out what God's doing. :)

I pray for clarity and a loving place to communicate! Indeed, confusion can be overwhelming. I've been carrying that around, and it's difficult, to say the least, but I'm hoping for the best!

Something I just wrote on social media. Seemed uplifting, so I'm reposting...

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you. I spend a lot of time thinking about what needs to improve in my life, in myself, etc. How about just enjoying myself and celebrating how I am today? Well, now there's a thought, ha.

If I can do this, I can better understand where you are on your journey as well.


to you, C.A. MacConnell

Photo.

 

Interesting, this morning, I woke up feeling so uncomfortable. Always, my first reaction is the desire to "get rid of it." But I caught this quickly, and then I relaxed some, and I thought, Well, I'm a human being going through a ton of changes, and it's been extremely difficult, and however I'm feeling is just OK.

Sometimes, I need to just feel uncomfortable. It always changes, and it's letting me know that perhaps, it is good to feel this way, because it tells me that I am growing.

You see, the new me wants the freedom to feel and love, and I don't know what that looks like yet, but I have constant dreams and visions of it.

And I know that I wish that for you too, in whatever shape or form it rolls in.

I am here. I am patient. I am praying for clarity and a loving place for communication, but no matter what outside people say, I am ready and willing to trust myself and follow my heart. And despite these morning feelings, I am going forward, welcoming a new wholeness.

Always, love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Higher Brow

Yesterday's piece was kinda dark...an image that popped into my head from many years ago...sort of like an old painting. I suppose I like the deep dark sometimes. This one's quite a bit lighter...more of a love poem, and rather narrative. This rhythm and style is my favorite -- repetition mixed with sound and feel. I'm thinking of turning it into a short story, maybe a book at some point. :) Have a good day! Love to you, C.A. 

Higher Brow

We were ready to face them.

How casual we were – leaning back in heated seats,
listening to the radio's low hum, riding in the strange
car. You were driving carefully – not too fast,

not too slow, taking the turns lightly, teaching me
how to settle and sink, to welcome the ache of calm.
We were making it. On the way to the most crucial

event, lit up with talent fire, I looked out the window,
and I had a vision of what the packed party might be like –
pretty lights, round, clean, white tables, the rich, organic

smells, and a thousand flutes – glasses upon glasses
shining at flashes, and when they touched, they hit,
screaming with cheer. Everywhere, flawless smiles,

sharp shadows, quick hands gripping microphones,
dresses reaching ankles or knees, tailored pants, fitted
jackets, and the difficult height of heels. We were ready

to face them. For weeks, we had planned the perfect
timing, the shifting flame of our long-awaited arrival.
Then, suddenly, still on the road, you looked at me

once, twice, three times, then shrugged and said,
You know, we don't have to go, and I nodded, smiling,
staring straight ahead, then looking back at you,

studying your cheek, loving your fine, cut jaw,
loving the way the higher brow hugged your right
eye, loving the way that some days, the lid seemed

purple, and we both laughed, and we couldn't stop,
and again, the road, the life, the laughter, the costumes,
the sky lights, and the newly burning stars, were ours.

We were ready to face them.

C.A. MacConnell

Sunday, Friendship Lane

 I just wrote this...I like how it rolled out, because it's dark, but the rhythm makes it somehow prettier...interesting little challenge. Hope you had a beautiful day...love, C.A.

Sunday, Friendship Lane

Hello again. Bottles of booze
carpet the floor. Walking
through it -- clink, clank --
I hear the chain sound,
the normal snakish rattle.

All around, strangers stretch,
rising up, coughing, hacking,
bloodshot eyes pop, popping.
Startled by freakish furniture
and features, everyone squints
at the shocking light. Shrill,
horrible morning voices echo,
and even worse, the whispers.

Shaking, I curse the beginning
shiver, and the migraine threat,
the headache for more. One, two,
shout out, I think I’m gonna be sick.
Attic-bound, another screams,
What happened? Blinking, I see
a flash of skin, a body pile,
and I remember one scene…

yes, we played strip poker,
and my roommate lost everything.
Attempting to hide her pale,
bare form, she bowed her head.
Letting her hair loose, she pressed
her chin down. But for the tip
of her flushed nose, she suddenly

became faceless, blinded
by the straight, red sheet,
her thick strands
nearly long enough
to cover
her breasts.

C.A. MacConnell

Hoping

 

Good morning! I've been praying for clarity and a loving chance for open communication. Hope is what I have on my mind. Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

January 9 Sunset.

 

Good morning. Went for a rain walk yesterday...I really had fun. I seem to enjoy walks the most when the weather is strange and no one else is out there. I ask people sometimes, but they never go, and I guess it makes me feel like I'm adventurous. Anyway, it cleared up, and I took this photo, which felt beautiful to me, and it lifted me up. I suppose I partake in numerous things that many wouldn't and oftentimes, people think it's bizarre. I go to the movies and concerts and comedy shows alone, and I don't think twice about it. Stuff like that. Oh well, ha. 

I've been listening to a meditation on intention:  what does your heart most long for? Just started doing it, but I plan on listening every day. I've had certain goals and dreams for a long time, but I'm older now and sometimes there are things that I haven't thought of, and I'm often wondering if I'm missing something.

Certainly, in the past, there were particular days when I completely failed to see what was right in front of me -- in two instances, I assumed that I was not well, and I was extremely confused. One of these times, it's true, I wasn't well. The other time, I was just full of fear and failed to take a chance. But looking back, had I taken different actions, these magic moments would have ultimately altered the course of my life.

Last night, in bed, I felt a world of regret thinking about these two key moments in my life.

And maybe I missed out on some great things, and maybe I've been without a partner for years, and maybe I worked a bunch of ridiculous, part-time jobs so that I could write books, and maybe, on the outside, I have very little to show for my efforts, but there's more here. When I failed to take these chances, it forced me to do the internal work I needed to do; this route can be the hardest, riskiest part of life for some people. So maybe, just maybe, it all rolled out how it should. I have no idea, but I hope so, because here I am.

I suppose I definitely could use some balance here, because I'm tired, and it's time to just relax and have fun!

Perhaps I have really bad days sometimes and certainly, I have things to work on, but after 26 years of hard, internal work, I see myself as "well and healthy." Sure, I feel sadness about the past, but because of my journey, I've changed myself from the inside out and so, I'm realizing this:  indeed, I have taken chances, the biggest risk of all -- the risk of feeling the feelings and walking through the most difficult ones, some of which nearly wiped me out at times, in order to grow. You see, I've seen the worst of the worst -- multiple times -- and I stayed sober, and I came out of it alive, which is truly amazing, considering the depths of my journey, and there is a world of courage and strength buried within that. And so, there hasn't been much time to focus on outside stuff.

But I believe that I deserve the other chances at life too...success, abundance, true love, fun, play, and the like. And so, who knows, maybe I failed to see my magic moments in the past, but I suppose God may give me another shot. I hope so, because I'm ready to play. That's when I'm at my best.

C.A. MacConnell

Four Sisters.

 

Good morning. One of my favorites I've taken. Hope you like it. My heart feels rather fierce this morning. :) <3. Full. Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Bleach

Hi there! A powerful little poem for you today. The title is the first line in this one. Love to you, C.A.

Bleach

soaks into fresh grout.
Bare-handed,
down on their knees,
Lucy and her sisters
Clean like mad.

The woman of the house
says, Please polish the bone
China, and she asks them
if she’s in the way.

It's seven at night.
Scrubbing, Lucy says, Señora,
my name is really Lucia.

The woman of the house
asks them if she’s in the way.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo.

 

Good morning. Don't forget to check out my four books. Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Roof

 

C.A. MacConnell

Hold My Hand.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Poppy

 

Good morning. <3. One of my friends on my route. :)

C.A. MacConnell

Celebrations: Mirror

Good morning. Something fresh I just finished polishing up. :) C.

Celebrations:  Mirror

Perhaps I talk to myself. This year, let’s ignore the holiday.
Cake, candles, decorations, bunnies, thank you, give back
the land. No matter. Behind the black fence, in between
roadside stallions and modest, paint-chipped yellow houses,
in between grand cats and loose jeans, there is a month
for us. In between hillside mansions and tornado-torn trailers
mounted on cinder blocks, crushed cans of orange soda
roughly wedged inside man-shaped holes, there is a week
for us. In between artificial intelligence, and the sound
of one woman singing alone in the sanctuary, belting out
her homemade, Christmas number, screaming the chorus,
despite the sore throat, there is a day for us. In between
mountaintops and two shattered T-birds slanted sideways
on the sewer grate, in between lofty stages and shadowy
basements, buried within the wrinkled, crimson sheets,
there is an hour for us. In between cities, countries, planets,
oceans, lions, elephants, hawks, moons, wolves, sharks,
music notes, costumes, bare skin, a paint brush’s strokes,
in between racing thoughts and sedative whispers, calmly
drifting across the world, carried by wind, dropped down
by rain, there is an hour for us. One minute, let’s ignore
the holiday. Spooky, welcome hell, fireworks, bang, bang.
Remember those we have lost. No matter. Instead, happy
birthday each moment. I second the deep dance of silence.
In the gap before the crowd’s noise begins, there is a time
for us. Perhaps – laughing, weeping, wishing, dying, living,
never giving up – we find secret celebrations. Rest assured,
behind the scenes, however belated, in stillness, I am working
on something, forever reflecting. Instantly, between the lines,
there is a place for us.

C.A. MacConnell

Open, One Feather.

 

Good morning. Just some randomness. I liked them together today for some reason. Hope your day is awesome. I'm reaching out and hoping for other work, so that I can rest this body...and I really would like to move...we shall see what rolls in. A lot of applying, but so far, no luck. Anyway, one moment at a time. Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell