Good morning. Went for a rain walk yesterday...I really had fun. I seem to enjoy walks the most when the weather is strange and no one else is out there. I ask people sometimes, but they never go, and I guess it makes me feel like I'm adventurous. Anyway, it cleared up, and I took this photo, which felt beautiful to me, and it lifted me up. I suppose I partake in numerous things that many wouldn't and oftentimes, people think it's bizarre. I go to the movies and concerts and comedy shows alone, and I don't think twice about it. Stuff like that. Oh well, ha.
I've been listening to a meditation on intention: what does your heart most long for? Just started doing it, but I plan on listening every day. I've had certain goals and dreams for a long time, but I'm older now and sometimes there are things that I haven't thought of, and I'm often wondering if I'm missing something.
Certainly, in the past, there were particular days when I completely failed to see what was right in front of me -- in two instances, I assumed that I was not well, and I was extremely confused. One of these times, it's true, I wasn't well. The other time, I was just full of fear and failed to take a chance. But looking back, had I taken different actions, these magic moments would have ultimately altered the course of my life.
Last night, in bed, I felt a world of regret thinking about these two key moments in my life.
And maybe I missed out on some great things, and maybe I've been without a partner for years, and maybe I worked a bunch of ridiculous, part-time jobs so that I could write books, and maybe, on the outside, I have very little to show for my efforts, but there's more here. When I failed to take these chances, it forced me to do the internal work I needed to do; this route can be the hardest, riskiest part of life for some people. So maybe, just maybe, it all rolled out how it should. I have no idea, but I hope so, because here I am.
I suppose I definitely could use some balance here, because I'm tired, and it's time to just relax and have fun!
Perhaps I have really bad days sometimes and certainly, I have things to work on, but after 26 years of hard, internal work, I see myself as "well and healthy." Sure, I feel sadness about the past, but because of my journey, I've changed myself from the inside out and so, I'm realizing this: indeed, I have taken chances, the biggest risk of all -- the risk of feeling the feelings and walking through the most difficult ones, some of which nearly wiped me out at times, in order to grow. You see, I've seen the worst of the worst -- multiple times -- and I stayed sober, and I came out of it alive, which is truly amazing, considering the depths of my journey, and there is a world of courage and strength buried within that. And so, there hasn't been much time to focus on outside stuff.
But I believe that I deserve the other chances at life too...success, abundance, true love, fun, play, and the like. And so, who knows, maybe I failed to see my magic moments in the past, but I suppose God may give me another shot. I hope so, because I'm ready to play. That's when I'm at my best.
C.A. MacConnell
I've been listening to a meditation on intention: what does your heart most long for? Just started doing it, but I plan on listening every day. I've had certain goals and dreams for a long time, but I'm older now and sometimes there are things that I haven't thought of, and I'm often wondering if I'm missing something.
Certainly, in the past, there were particular days when I completely failed to see what was right in front of me -- in two instances, I assumed that I was not well, and I was extremely confused. One of these times, it's true, I wasn't well. The other time, I was just full of fear and failed to take a chance. But looking back, had I taken different actions, these magic moments would have ultimately altered the course of my life.
Last night, in bed, I felt a world of regret thinking about these two key moments in my life.
And maybe I missed out on some great things, and maybe I've been without a partner for years, and maybe I worked a bunch of ridiculous, part-time jobs so that I could write books, and maybe, on the outside, I have very little to show for my efforts, but there's more here. When I failed to take these chances, it forced me to do the internal work I needed to do; this route can be the hardest, riskiest part of life for some people. So maybe, just maybe, it all rolled out how it should. I have no idea, but I hope so, because here I am.
I suppose I definitely could use some balance here, because I'm tired, and it's time to just relax and have fun!
Perhaps I have really bad days sometimes and certainly, I have things to work on, but after 26 years of hard, internal work, I see myself as "well and healthy." Sure, I feel sadness about the past, but because of my journey, I've changed myself from the inside out and so, I'm realizing this: indeed, I have taken chances, the biggest risk of all -- the risk of feeling the feelings and walking through the most difficult ones, some of which nearly wiped me out at times, in order to grow. You see, I've seen the worst of the worst -- multiple times -- and I stayed sober, and I came out of it alive, which is truly amazing, considering the depths of my journey, and there is a world of courage and strength buried within that. And so, there hasn't been much time to focus on outside stuff.
But I believe that I deserve the other chances at life too...success, abundance, true love, fun, play, and the like. And so, who knows, maybe I failed to see my magic moments in the past, but I suppose God may give me another shot. I hope so, because I'm ready to play. That's when I'm at my best.
C.A. MacConnell
