There has been some more change going on in my life. Nonstop actually. I could use some down time, for sure, but my higher power seems to be pointing me in a new direction. I'm not certain how it's going to roll out yet, but it feels good to me. And scary too. Just muddling through it all, taking some risks and such, which has been quite jarring in the past few years. I've changed a lot, to put it mildly, and much of it has to do with walking through fear.
As I've said before, "God is in the surprise." Yes, indeed. The curveball, the unexpected, and the like. God is right there, altering the course at times, in my humble opinion. And I can choose to recognize the divinity in it and "go with the flow," so to speak, or I can resist. Up to me.
I've been tunneling through a whole big suitcase of fear, man. And to folks on the outside, I'm sure it looks messy at times. Until now, I wasn't aware of my deepest fears and how they have been running my life. I've been scratching the surface, sure, but at the present time, I'm barreling into the depths of it. Or maybe I always knew deep down, but it hadn't hit the surface, and I wasn't ready to face it all yet.
Now I know. Or I think I do, ha. Truth is, I don't know. Neither do you. We don't know. There is something bigger out there than this whole human clown show. Take a look at some ancient mountains. Or the seasons. The sky, the birds, nature in general. Nature knows more than we do.
We don't know.
This fear has nearly wiped me out numerous times; I've experienced panic, continuous racing heart, endless bouts of tears (and laughter too), and a number of physical reactions that I won't dive into here. I've experienced panic and such in the past and so, I know better now how to navigate the beast. But let's just say PTSD is no fun.
But it is also a great teacher.
Straight through it. If I don't walk through it, it tends to resurface, aye. I spent many years pushing it down, running around in circles. Many folks do this. Some continue to operate on fear their entire lives. Look around. Everyone's scared. They might seem angry. They might seem depressed. They might seem hellbent on looking perfect. They might seem overly focused on work, a relationship, or a cause. It's all around. It's all fear. Politics, money, appearances. Oh shit, and the news. Fear.
Have I mastered it? Hell no, I'm a baby too. Just like you. But I'm growing stronger in my faith every day. As a human, "trying" is everything. XO.
Be gentle with yourself. And I will be too.
For those who can relate to such human fears or for those who have experienced trauma (I am convinced that's everyone), I am sorry you have to go through this, but I can empathize. And also, as powerful as it can be at times, the fear will eventually dissipate. Just hang on, if you're walking through it like me. Hang on. Love to you. Get a fucking teddy bear. I keep planning on it, but I think I'll nab one from the stuffed animal claw machine today. I am a master at that game, ha. If you think you can beat me, you're wrong, ha.
But fear hasn't wiped me out thus far. I keep moving, despite it all.
A battle with the inner self. And a journey to make peace with the inner self. As I always say, "Look inward." It is hard work to look inward. That's why most folks, including me, often grab onto outside stuff as the "cause" or "source." But eventually, the journey always returns back to the self. I have to take a look at my part, my way of being, my feelings, my actions and reactions. That is the only way I can truly process through life's more difficult scenarios and change.
Hard truth. But don't we all do it? We grab onto news stories, outside relationships, car issues, house issues, money issues, you name it. We blame other things or other people for sadness or present circumstances, and the like. For instance, I might tell the world that I'm afraid my car might break down. Or it might change, and I might start telling everyone I'm afraid of a job situation. Or I might focus on a certain relationship issue. Doesn't matter, because the real fear rests within a lack of faith and fear within myself. Because it's not the car. It's not the job. It's not the other person.
Nothing on the outside is driving the monster.
I am.
It's what's inside.
Grinning just now. Maybe this will help you too.
It's all unfolding as you are reading this, as I am writing this. We don't know the power of the "unseen." Hang on for the ride but remember to love yourself. And I will too.
I don't know.
We don't know.
But since we both don't know, that means we're in this together. And that's a beautiful thing.
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
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