Glove 58.

 

Hey, whaddya know. I really like how this one turned out. :) <3

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Some of Us.

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: we all have our unique personalities, stories, experiences, and none are the same. Some people are drawn to us. Some are not. The possibilities are endless, mysterious at times, and ever-changing.

Some of us come together briefly -- perhaps for just a moment in passing.

Randomly, we may bump into each other at the store or while walking down the street. Words might be shared. Maybe not.

Some of us are extremely close, and we spend our lives navigating this bond.
Some of us are close, and then we're not close. Maybe we're close again. Maybe not. Or maybe we're close in a new way.

Some of us are acquaintances, saying a mere "hello" or yelling out a joke from afar. And it stays that way. Or sometimes, it changes.

Some of us are friends, partners, relatives, and the like, a part of something. We use these words to describe our bonds, but the words mean something different for each person.

There are countless people we will never meet.

Some of us have an unspoken soul connection.

Or maybe, what we sometimes don't realize is this: all of us have an unspoken soul connection.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Girl, Sayler Park.

Film photo I've always liked. I was interviewing/watching my friend Ashley sing at a park on this day, when I snapped this photo. Ashley was an incredible musician, a gentle, kind soul; his energy was electric and deep. When he listened, he intensely focused on every word, as if each spoken word from every person was a music note. When I was near him, I always felt honored and heard.

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: everything feels messy and scary. But that's a miracle. Why? Because I woke up and each moment, I can experience the scary mess and attempt to grow. Since I have a chance to muddle through this part of life, it's a miracle. I am alive.

Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

Bee.

 

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you:

something I wrote on my desk a while back -- "Take assertive action in your best interest." Helps me out when I'm confused about things sometimes. Maybe it'll help someone else.

I did that last night. All of the physical work and stress has taken a lot out of me, but movement helps...I have to figure out how to have rest days. Not sure how this is all going to roll out yet, but I'm proud of the job I've been doing in the past year or so. Hope you're proud of yourself this morning as well.

Have a beautiful day. I am working on revisions on Book Five, but slowly. It is important, but it'll be different than expected. Nonfiction, but no names or personal relationships are central to this story, and they won't be included other than in a vague way, if needed to change locations and such, such as, "I dated someone, and then I didn't, so I went east." Nothing more than that. Just wanted to be clear about my intentions here, if anyone has known me. I'm big on that. So that's that.

Wonder what surprises may happen today? I send you light and love.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Here.

 

Man, I love this. :) <3 Took it just now.

C.A. MacConnell

Vision.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Hello! Photo: Came to Believe. And a Note!

Hi there. If you're enjoying my writings and photos, please donate to my site! Just click the button on the right side of this page. Every little bit helps! Thanks for joining me on my artistic journey!

Thanks so much! 

C.A. MacConnell

February Morning Thoughts.

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you:

I have no idea.

Do you?

Funny.

Weirdly, I feel better.

Kind of. Not really.

Do you?

You do? Then tell me how you did it.

And I'll tell you too.

Funny.

Let's see how they did it.

Hm, how should I do it?

We're all just fumbling around, trying to survive.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Dark Horse Shadow.

Good morning. Upon waking, what came to me was a thought that struck me as powerfully beautiful. Positive thought for me, for you:

Throughout the day, every day, as the moments roll by, as the events unfold, whether I'm alone, with someone close to me, or with a large crowd, whether the sky is tumultuous or peacefully cerulean, what if I thought these two things:

How can I help? I want to be with you.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell.

Hello, a Newsy Note.

In case you're new to my site, here's some of my background, just a taste...

M.A. English & Creative Writing, Hollins University. Four published novels on Amazon NOW:

Over 25 yrs. of professional experience in poetry, fiction, creative nonfiction, music writing, journalism, screenwriting, book writing, editing, proofreading, copy (nonprofit and commercial), direct mail, artist bios, and more. When it comes to writing and editing...you name it, I've done it. Ranging from comedy to horror, I'm familiar with any genre in the mix. My specialties:

1. Punchy, real, raw, slick dialogue (so real, it's frightening)
2. Targeting audiences
3. Capturing voices
4. Music/art promotion
5. Book writing and editing

Look to the labels on the right side of this page, and you'll find every kind of sample you can imagine.

Also, my comedy site. (not for kiddos, ha. But it showcases numerous voices, strange and hilarious, all over the map)

Send me a message TODAY! Contact info here.

Thanks so much,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. If you are enjoying my writing and photos, consider donating! Click the button on the right side of this page! Every little bit helps me. Thank you! C.A.

Piece of Metal.

 
 
Took this a week or so ago, actually. It is how I feel. Every photo is a piece of me. Hope you have a beautiful day. <3.
C.A. MacConnell

Celebrate Weird.

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you. Just off the top of my head, actually. Something light:

well, in college, I minored in film; yes, I've seen numerous great masterpieces, and I've written a gazillion ridiculous essays about the creative giants. For instance, I'll argue with you 'til the end that the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is brilliant, and unlike the popular crowd, who are chained to The Life Aquatic, I am sure that Moonrise Kingdom is Wes Anderson's greatest work. I'd tell you my favorite crime movie, but I'm sure it'd start an internet war.

But secretly, what I really love are shark movies and boxing movies. So, when life gets rough, I turn to Rocky and Jaws. I've seen all the original Rocky films, but I'm ashamed to say I'm behind on the Creed line. I'm emotionally involved, and I'm partial to watching Rocky fight. It bothers me to see him on the sidelines, haha.

Hey, just now, I found a Jaws baseball jacket that someone wants to get rid of really cheap. That's because no one wants it. Perfect! Not sure if it's gonna fit yet, but we'll make it fit. Now all I have to do is find a Rocky T-shirt or some trunks, and I can relax about life, and my wardrobe will be complete.

Moral of the story: behind every Rear Window, there's a Megalodon. That is...we all have our secret quirks, and they're hilarious. Celebrate weird!

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Stay.

Good morning. Positive thought for me, for you:

Here's an interesting thought pattern: "Internally and externally, I'm working on becoming perfect so that someone will love me."

Yeah, I know...at first glance, this statement seems ridiculous. But often, similar thought traps spew out of me and many others; this "striving for perfection/lack of love" is extremely common in homes affected by substance abuse. And take a look around, take a look at social media; it's all over the place. It's a trap, because perfection is obviously unattainable and so, this kind of thinking keeps me "separate" on purpose, rather I realize it or not. Why? Because feeling unlovable is familiar to me. Sad, sure, oh yeah, but familiar.

And as humans, we often reach for the familiar.

Until it's too painful, and it damn near kills us.

So how does someone turn this around? Well, through extensive past writing and therapy, I'm aware of the source, and I have been aware for a very long time. So, right now, I can tell you what I'm doing. Nothing. Ha, that's right -- nothing. See, with this ever-present awareness, change has been automatically rolling in each day.

Simply, I don't have to do much...it's just happening.

I'll always be an introvert, and I cherish that, but I am taking small steps to seek out people who will celebrate my story and voice, and vice versa. Just living, really. I'm becoming less hard on myself and others. I'm creating more plans here and there. Again, I don't need to morph into a different creature, but I keep the awareness close to my heart.

All of this has been teaching me how to do this: wait, dive in, love, stay.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Lost Glove 57.

 

Genius shot of Lost Glove 57. Hahaha. Genius! Can't hurt to laugh at yourself.

C.A. MacConnell

Day Off.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Photo.

 

Original film shot by me.

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: surrender.

Hm, a loaded word -- "surrender." How do I understand this word today? No, I don't imagine some Santa in the sky will tell me what to do. I suppose, to me, "surrendering" means that I get quiet, meditate, see myself as a smaller part of a greater whole, listen to my heart and inner voice and then, I take assertive action -- large or small -- in my best interest.

And then I ask for guidance and support from Santa and Mrs. Claus and Rudolph and leprechauns and unicorns in the sky, hahaha.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Hustle, Hustle

Here's a recent short story I just polished up. I entered it in a contest, but I guess it was too dark, haha, I dunno...I didn't even make the list of a gazillion finalists. I've had shit luck with contests, haha. Who cares. I think it's rad. See what you think, if you're not afraid of the gritty, and the dark...Love, C.A.

Hustle, Hustle

Last year, I held a kitchen knife to Dad's throat, just because. Sure, I went to juvey, and everybody there was throwing up and coming down, but I met Cameron, a thick, wicked cheerleader, and she took a few hits for me. Cameron reminded me that I was lucky. When she was four, her dad left her in the basement for a week. Her mom was at a conference, and the housekeeper never showed. We left kid prison quick, because Dad knew the judges. Anyway, my knife was dull.

Welcome to me, Grey V. I’m sixteen, and I have straight A’s. Welcome to my money house.

Dad’s a dentist. So, we live on the richest five acres in Shawnee Ridge. Out here, slow traffic, pretty curbs, smooth sidewalks, fresh blacktop, the whole deal. The damn bushes look like bunnies. The pool’s a giant lima bean shape with a twisty slide, even though Dad always says, “I need to bulldoze that insurance nightmare.” Once, when Cameron was on Xanax, she slid off the side and cracked her head open. But she got stitched up, and the slide’s still there. Cam’s hair never grew back, and she has a bald “S” there now, a snake. If anyone asks her about it, she shoots out a story about a bully and a switchblade.

Being thin is good. I can slip right out the front door. Here I am now, downtown. On these streets, I hear the whispers -- secrets, like poetry, like small, forgotten screams. I see familiar faces -- women kicking at gravel, ghostly skin shining in the streetlights. Funny. Look at that wasted girl with the buggy eyes. She used to be a track star. If I were horny, I could hit it. Hang on, somebody wants some crackers.

Selling, it’s a black night. No moon to speak of. The cash is quick, and all the bruisers know my baby face. I’ve felt a piece in my cheek, but that brother was jonesing, and it’s rare. I’m with the shadows, see. I’m on their side. Sometimes, street kids use me for a ride, some food, some conversation. Fourteen-year-old Scott didn't make it through last winter. It happens.

If my parents opened my top dresser drawer, they’d see everything they could imagine, but they aren’t the imagining type. Mostly, I deal pills, because nobody here wants needles. All the girls own sterling chokers, and everyone wears jeans from the fashion gods. One time, when Cam and I were bored, we dressed in prom clothes, cruised over to Dad’s office, and stole a nitrous tank. Mom thought we were playing video games, but Cam’s half-blind, and she can’t stand computers. Nobody was home; we hit the tank all night and read Shakespeare. I think Cam died for a minute. After that, she got clean and found God and so, she chewed on me for a while, but then she tossed me out like a stale piece of gum.

Carefully, slowly, I creep down the alleys, squinting and inching like a possum. A yellow-haired delivery boy, I’m one smooth envelope. But then I see Cameron glowing. Wearing school spirit clothes, she’s sitting by the sewer. I’ll leave her alone. See, she might run home to Mommy one day and spew out her memoir.

But she’s still staring, and her eyes are popping. I think she likes me, but I know she wants to drag me uptown. So, I slink down and slither away. But then I go back. Forgettabout the cash flow. I think she still likes me.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo.

 

Good morning. <3 Positive thought for today, for me, for you.

How are you doing in this moment?
This morning, how can I bring goodness to you?
How can I bring goodness to me?
How can I bring goodness to us?
Maybe I can't right now.
I suppose it's early.
I bet the sunrise is going to be spectacular.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Photo.

 

Took this just now. :) <3
C.A. MacConnell

Brooke.

 

Here's my friend Brooke; she rocks! Always, all photos of people are posted with permission. I enjoy capturing people's energy in the moment. If you'd like me to take your picture, please send me an email here or message me on social media. I truly enjoy taking shots that are unique and unposed, like this one.

Hope you're having a good day!

C.A. MacConnell

Inside Everyone and Everything

Sometimes I think I need to "figure everything out." This notion creates a ridiculous anxiety tunnel in my mind. If I choose this thought pattern, here's what happens: I sit around, stare out the window, experience racing thinking when I'm trying to sleep, and I turn into a monster that's WAY too hard on myself. Woohoo! Fun stuff.

Some people take huge risks, and some don't, but in the past two years, I definitely have. I've experienced a complete upheaval, and I've made extremely difficult changes that I never thought were even possible (actually, less than .5% of humans in the U.S. have done what I've done) and right now, I'm still settling from that. I'll get into the details in my next book; it's too much to cover here, but I do know that I should be celebrating the strength I'm gaining from making it through such demanding experiences and yet, I still find myself thinking, "Hm, not good enough."

Not good enough? Ridiculous, false information. I am good enough. Not only that, but my story is an amazing one. Indeed, I am not alone here! We ALL have amazing stories. When I see others today, let me consider the secret battles that hide within all of us. When I do this, it changes my perspective completely. Instead of seeing "surface" humans moving around me, I step back, and I see living, breathing pieces of a greater miracle. Some call this miracle "God."

I don't need to spend time "figuring anything out." Because what catapulted this recent journey of change and growth? Something bigger than what exists in my perception, for sure. Events occurred in a way that I never could have predicted. Certainly, I wouldn't have made such dramatic changes if my life hadn't rolled out this way, because the series of surprises pushed me past a mountain of fear; my life literally shifted overnight, and I rapidly grew at a moment when I least expected it. Of course, I'm still processing it all, but...

This morning, reflecting on this turn of events, I know I don't have to "figure out" the next step, because when I am ready, I will know, and an awesome hand will hold me close, and the universe will give me a great push. Sometimes, I imagine that a powerful friend is always there -- a loving friend inside the hawks, the wolves, the trees, the moon, the sunrises and sunsets, the loving wind, and inside everyone and everything I see today.

When I was a baby, I never sat around and thought, "Hm, I'm not good enough." Rather, I simply ate, slept and played in the moment. Right here, right now, people are laughing or crying. With our amazing stories, we can help one another circle back to feeling like a child -- loved and complete.

C.A. MacConnell

Hold My Hand.

 

A simple little shot, but it's one of my favorites, and it rather captures how I feel this morning...trying to be gentle. Reminds me to be gentle and compassionate toward myself and others. Hope you are as well today. Shit, we all have a lot going on sometimes. Me, you, all of us. Sometimes, all I need is a conversation, a hug, someone to hold my hand. Sometimes, I need a lot more. And I can give these things in return. Might not seem like much, but it may mean everything, and small gestures, touch, and communication can make all the difference.

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: if I am struggling with something, it reminds me that those around me might be as well.

Ask.

We are in this together.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Photo.

 

Just a little note...you know, I started writing these daily positive thoughts on social media about a year ago. I was inspired by someone from afar. Oftentimes, in the mornings, I'd wake with negativity or fear and so, I thought I'd try to turn it around. Indeed, it has been and is helping. Most of the time, I write whatever rolls out of my brain in the moment. Here's today's...

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: I wonder what's going to happen today -- who I will see, the conversations I will have, the nature I will observe, the lessons I may learn, the answers or questions that might roll in, the strange luck I sometimes encounter.

 
When I wonder, I become open to a truer version of you, me, the world, and I feel a smile across my heart.

Simply, today, I wonder.

C.A. MacConnell

Fall to Touch 2.

 

Good morning. Happy Valentine's Day! 👀😍😍💖💖💥🙏 I guess I could start celebrating holidays; I haven't done so in quite a long time. But I'm afraid to dip my toe in.

I think I'd end up going all out...dress up like Santa, have the biggest tree in the 'hood, schedule a blockwide Easter egg hunt, buy a heart-shaped tablecloth and 50 boxes of chocolates to pass out, make the best mashed potatoes and a cranberry dish that everyone actually loves, and on and on. I'd become so obsessed with holidays, that I'd be exhausted 24/7, trying to keep up with the calendar.

Hells yeah! All or nothing! Each holiday, I'll have to top the neighbors! I'll purchase an actual life-sized gingerbread house, and people will drive miles to see my light display. I can see it now! 

Back when I drank, I never really did drugs much, but I did smoke weed here and there; I never really liked it. But one time, I acted out on one of my childhood dreams, and I swallowed a bunch of hash brownies and then, I ate the entire roof of a gingerbread house. I mean, let's face it, those things look SOOOOOO good. They just sit there looking yummy, and it drove me wild as a kid. But let me tell you, there's a reason why people don't eat those things...they spray them with some kind of petrified goo. But I completed the mission, and I ate the roof. I thought, I'll show that house who's boss. Well, my teeth survived, although I'm surprised.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Bumpy Spots.

I was going to share a short story I recently wrote, but I wrote something new instead. It's kind of a dark story, haha, but I love it...will share soon. Some people like the dark, some don't. I do at times, I admit it. I find it weirdly fun. Anyway, here's a little blurb for ya. Hope you have a good day.

Bumpy Spots

Positive thought for today, for me, for you: when I'm changing in a large way, there are often "bumpy spots." Off and on, I'll hit a point when fear and loneliness roll in, and the "old me" races around in my head, wanting me to give up, go back, questioning everything, etc. Even though the old version of myself wasn't working, it's familiar, and it's in my nature as a human being to want to grab on to it.

Because unless I consciously make a different decision, I reach for the familiar. Don't we all? It's hard to make these changes, aye.

I felt a "bumpy spot" the past few days and this morning; I've been fearful, reminiscing about going backwards. Then just now, I read a few readings and coincidentally, each one was about pushing forward into the goal, reaching for the unknown, not giving up before the race was won, that kind of thing.

Among other things, I prefer to think of these surprise directions as God.

I grinned and remembered that I've been here before, and "bumpy spots" are part of the process. And the reason I don't fully entertain the idea of going backwards is because of this: deep inside, when I get quiet and listen to my heart, I fully believe that the forward path is one that is leading me toward more love and joy. Maybe it's an unfamiliar course and right now, everything seems strange and unfamiliar, but I do know that I need to keep pressing on.

And so, I pay attention to the wisdom of the Duke, John Wayne. "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."

Good morning. Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

February Sunset.

 

Here's another shot...different light. :) Hope you have a good day. I'm going to share a recent short story tomorrow. Stay tuned. Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Sunday Night.

 

I'm not usually a fan of landscape city pics, but I love this one, b/c it looks like the trees are really in charge. :) <3 Goodnight.

C.A. MacConnell

Fossil Park.

 

<3

C.A. MacConnell

Photos

 
Saturday Sky

Perspective 2

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: last night, I went to a place that I haven't visited in about 13 years. It was surreal. Everything was exactly the same.

But I sure wasn't.

Usually, I don't notice the changes inside of myself unless I look back. Often, I recognize the pattern of miracles later. But guess what that means?

Miracles are happening right now.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. I'm not trying to be an "artistic ghost," posting no photos of myself or anything like that, ha. This phone picks up color and shadows to the max, which is great for photography, but it alters my features, and I don't really like it, so most of the time, I just don't. Maybe I'll change my mind, but for now, I'd rather just take photos of what I see outside of me. Honestly, I prefer film when it comes to people. <3

Chicago Fire.

 

Just something from my life...film shot. I like Chicago. I've only been there twice. Once, I was on a school trip, and I got in big trouble for leaving the group. Can't remember where I went, but I was taking a lot of pictures, and I do recall that we were at some sandwich place, and I was bored, and my eye caught something interesting, and I just followed whatever it was. The second time I visited Chicago, I was there for work, and I didn't get in trouble, but I should have. I didn't like the high-rise hotel, because I don't like those kinds, unless there's a balcony or something, because it makes me feel rather trapped, and I'm not used to it. Not a big deal...just a feeling I get. But I stayed outside mostly, and I had so much fun.

One time, I went to Virginia to visit, and but for one brief outing, I never left the hotel, because I had a headache, and I went to the front desk and bought what I thought was regular Tylenol, but I discovered later that it was actually Tylenol PM, and so I felt so sleepy, and the bed was so comfy, and the TV was so good, I had a blast just chilling in there. I even got to know the hotel staff. Later, back home, I smiled and told everyone that I went on long, adventurous hikes on the AT. In reality, I simply dove deep into the sheets, and that's all I did. I did tell my friend Sara the truth, and she and I cracked up about it.

When I was in Brownies (the step before Girl Scouts), I got in trouble there too. I hated the uniform, and on a zoo trip, to distract myself from the clothes, I became mesmerized by the elephants or giraffes or whatnot, and I wouldn't leave them. I just stayed there. The group was long gone, and there I was, entranced, pulling at the uniform, writing on it with a pen here and there. Eventually, I found the group, but later they kicked me out of Brownies for various things, including stealing cookies.

I got kicked out of dance/tap class too, because as soon as I got tap shoes, I just jumped around, making as much noise as possible, and I wouldn't stop. I was so loud, and I loved it. It was hilarious, because no one could hear anything due to my banging around, but I wouldn't listen at all. What I wanted to say was that I hated the leotard, hated it. I let them know how much I hated it. I still don't like tight clothes. 

I love sweats and track pants. We used to take family photos on the steps at my Mimi's house every year. Three years in a row, in that family photo, I'm wearing my blue/yellow Adidas track pants. Hilarious. I'm not sure what happened to those pants, but I miss the hell out of them.

Just some blurbs from my life. And it just gave me some short story ideas. :)

Hope you have a beautiful day.

C.A. MacConnell

P.S. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: in Catholic high school, on "out of uniform day," I wore a Skid Row T-shirt showing Mona Lisa with bare tits and a nose ring with a chain that hooked to her ear. Would you believe that they didn't send me home? All morning long, I was hoping I'd get to leave. At a certain point, I just left. No one noticed that either.

Moral of the story: who cares what other people think. They're consumed with their own lives anyway. Do me. Celebrate me. Do you. Celebrate you. Love to you.

See-saw

See-saw

Positive thought for today, for me, for you: we've all been here, I suppose; there comes a time when it seems like everything has been stripped away, and the initial events that occurred were a surprise. We might think this: "Wait a minute! Hold on! Why is this happening!" As it unfolds, people and things that we leaned on begin disappearing one by one, until they are all gone. Perhaps it may seem startling, scary, or disruptive, this sudden time of empty.

I suppose, this morning, I could look at my life right now and see it this way. "What the hell, God! Nothingness. Great." I actually had those thoughts last night and this morning.

Or, if I have faith, a faith that enters my perspective and life in every way, I could see it this way...perhaps, instead, the universe is about to step in. Perhaps, if I wait and see, pressing forward, this will become a time of welcoming the new, a time of filling up.

Yesterday and today, I felt like I was in the middle of a see-saw, feeling both of these perspectives enter into me. Fear versus faith. When I hear the words of all of my past and present teachers whispering in my ear, I have the ability to change my perspective and reach toward the divine again. And just now, just as I'm writing to you, I am feeling myself lean toward the side of believing, believing that the goodness is coming. And the change is originating from within.

We have the ability to change and heal ourselves, the ability to turn it around. All it takes is reflection, and a willingness to jump into unfamiliar territory; herein rests a new me, a time of filling up. Herein rests God. Today, as a human being on a see-saw of positive versus negative, let me lean toward the light.

Good morning. Love to you. Can't wait to see you.
C.A. MacConnell

Leaf Blower

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you:

yesterday, as I was walking by, a man began to back his truck out of the driveway, and I heard a loud crunch. I thought, "Oh no!" From the driver's seat, he smiled and mouthed at me, "Oh no." Then, he stopped, jumped out of the truck and discovered that he'd run over his leaf blower. He shrugged, looked at me, and went to inspect the damage. Well, when he turned it on, the handle was crushed, but it still worked just fine, and he blew some leaves away. Then, he looked at me, and we both shrugged, cracked up, and gave each other a thumbs up.

Maybe everything's not perfect. That's OK. It still works. Thumbs up!

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Bedroom Wall Posters

I wrote this just now. Hope you like it. C.A. 

Bedroom Wall Posters

When I was little, I wanted to become
a mustang -- one of the riotous few
imprisoned only by quake, famine,
or storm. Which beast, I wasn't sure --
bay or black, grey or Paint, Palomino
or albino, but never the Appaloosa.
(Each time I spied a spotted coat,
I was again unhinged by shapes,
soon lost in the torturous world
of counting). I could almost hear
the group sound -- pounding hooves
touching earth, any earth, be it cracked,
craving desert or muddy, saturated
marsh. In one shot, they violently
beach-galloped, spattering waves
and sand, wind-swept, scattered
and strange. Yes, their joy was dirty.
He, the stallion, seemed bloodthirsty.
Cartoonlike, half-black and huge,
his eyes rolled back. On the edge
of the lid, he was slightly showing
a wild, white moon sliver. The silvery,
hot, inimitable foam of horse sweat
simmered all over him, and deep down,
I knew that in his time, in between
war and calm, he’d seen hundreds
of humans.

C.A. MacConnell

Board.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Perspective. Each Day, Chiseling Away.

 

Just something I saw behind a dumpster, believe it or not. I enjoy making something out of the mundane. Those are my favorite shots to take.

Each Day, Chiseling Away

Occasionally, fear wakes me in the middle of the night but mostly, I feel it in the morning. I've had several sudden upheavals in the past year and so, I understand the source of it, although I'm beginning to process fear differently than I have in the past. I used to heavily rely on others -- individuals or groups -- looking for reassurance and the like. Lately, I've noticed that I've begun to change; I'm sitting with it, turning inward, praying, and processing it on my own more. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need to move, I move. If I need to pray, I pray. If I need to write, I write. If I'm panicking, I notice it and say something like this to myself, "Hey, I'm so fearful right now, wow, I've been here before. It's not going to kill me." If I feel physical pain, I just feel it. Certainly, the fear has been working its way through my body and for a person who often reacts to anxiety in somatic ways, it's been "off the charts" challenging.

I have a physical job, yes, and one would think that would contribute to the problem but actually, I've found that I'm better when I'm moving, and this job has been an important factor in my healing, ironically. And so, I patiently continue to "suit up and show up," so to speak, processing through past emotions every day. Without the movement and distraction of this job, I don't think I would have been able to make such big leaps as I have in my personal life and so, I think it's a godsend. Interesting the way that works.

Growing up slowly, I guess. But the fear is there to tell me some important truths too, and I do need to consider my current way of living. At the moment, I know that I'm honestly doing the best I can, and it's hard for me to focus on anything more than the day-to-day tasks. And so, I feel the fear, honor it, and ask for guidance and the ability to see what's next. And then, I simply get dressed and go to work.

So far, so good. Messy some days. Hilarious some days. Peaceful some days. I suppose that's what it means to be human. It's been teaching me a lot about compassion -- for myself and others.

Each day, I'm chiseling away at the old idea that I'm "defective" or "not loveable." Each day, I'm honoring myself and my heart just a little bit more.

Hope you have a beautiful day.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. Helps me to write about it. I'll get more in depth with it in my next book. Who knows, maybe it'll help someone. That's my ultimate goal here. I'm in this with you. <3 My feelings are real, genuine and sure, the old me creeps in, and I'm aware that I mess up sometimes, but things have been confusing, and I am here with no agenda other than to move toward understanding and love, the best I can. :) 

Hanging Out.

 

Ha, <3 LOLOL They look so happy.
C.A. MacConnell

Photo.

 

Just something to brighten your day. Love to you.
C.A. MacConnell

Private Drive. And a Little Note: The Beauty All Around Me.

 

The Beauty All Around Me

I took this shot on the way to see Argo, a German Shepherd I befriended. Recently, I saw him, and he let me know that he was hurt, because I haven't been going that way. Argo is very smart, protective, loyal to his friends, and quite fierce to most, but he decided to be loyal to me some years back. I have a feeling, if I were in danger, Argo would jump the fence and tear a troublemaker to shreds. Actually, he became a character in my novel, STRANGE SKIN. I suppose I'll have to make up with him via steak.

I've been around animals a great deal of my life. I enjoy the smarter types, but they can be more difficult to deal with, especially with horses, since they're so big. Some horses I've known...it's amazing...they've understood sadness and complex jokes. They also have a deep sense of memory.  At times, I'd get to know a horse and then, he'd show up years later at a different barn, and he would remember me, for sure. Happened numerous times. And they experience fear, and they remember trauma. Some have intense anxiety, like certain people; they might respond to trailers, hoses, certain flowers, loud sounds, the vet, the farrier, wind, and the like. Most of them react -- in large or small ways -- when a storm's coming. All of this worked its way into my novel, GRIFFIN FARM.

As far as animals, I believe I know the most about horses, when it comes to communication. Most of the time, I can pick up on it quickly and adjust accordingly. But I'm rusty now, so I'm not sure how I'd be at the moment. And there have been times when I've been way off. Every now and then, as with people, I came upon a serial killer. Few and far between, but they were there. Most of them -- when they cause harm, it's an innocent accident, an instinctual reaction, and they're trying to protect themselves. But there were a few I came across that intentionally wanted to cause harm.

With hawks, it's different. Sometimes, I talk to them, and I swear some of them, maybe all of them, hear me. Of course, I've noticed that they mostly respond to motion...for instance, when I wave, hold an arm up, stop and start, things of that nature. Horses are that way too, so I'm familiar with that. Generally, if you lead, and you don't look them in the eye, horses will follow, unless it's a stallion. Sometimes, I've noticed the hawks will too, if they're flying...if there's more than one, they'll fly and circle and seem to stay with me on a walk route, for instance. But if they're in a tree, they don't leave, although one flew right to me one time, and I'm not sure what I did differently. I'm curious about it, because unlike horses, they're unpredictable. I've been studying them and learning.

Generally, I think all animals know and feel more than people think they do. Positive thought for today, for me, for you:  I see the mystery, the beauty in all that's around me. Continually, nature humbles me.

Good morning. Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell