I heard something last night that struck me. For a long while, I've understood all of these notions, but the way it was said was helpful to me. I am paraphrasing here, but I'll do my best. Here goes...sure, as kids we are all victims of certain circumstances, and there is no fault in that. But if I'm aware of the pattern, that means that if I jump in now, I'm no longer a victim; I'm a volunteer. There are two primary emotions: fear and love. If it's not love, it's fear. Even if a person is feeling anger, it's driven by fear. And fear is a lie. So, if I'm not feeling love, or if I'm not participating in a loving situation, what is the lie? Not in terms of the other person's actions but rather, regarding my own emotions, engagements, and responses -- what is the fear hidden behind the feelings? What is really pushing me to feel and stay afraid?
It helped me understand fear better. What is the heart of this? What is the untruth lurking beneath all of these feelings? What story was I told growing up that is not true, some falsehood that entered my brain because of others' actions, words, etc. For me, it's this: why is it that I feel defective? Unlovable? Because I was sent this message repeatedly as a child and now, as an adult, I put myself in situations that recreate it.
But the awareness of it changes things up, making it easier for me to navigate and understand my patterns, which helps with relationships. Not perfect, but it helps me to become more flexible, more understanding, more compassionate, and better with boundaries. Not disappearing, but learning boundaries, and there's a huge difference. I'm learning how to reflect inward, wait, lean in, and become more peaceful.
I don't have to be invisible. I can embrace the new idea of becoming a wise, but loving participant.
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
P.S. Ha, in some ways it's easier to run around with no awareness, I know. But God is pushing me to grow, and I've found that there's no going back. Hope you have a beautiful day. XO. Hopefully my ramblings are helpful. Maybe I'll see you out and about.
