I've had some really happy days lately -- dancing in the aisles, feeling peace, enjoying music, having fun, cracking jokes with my friends in the stores, helping customers, being light.
And I've had some moments of heavy doubt sprinkled throughout. Usually these annoyances creep in when I have downtime, when I begin to ruminate about what I "should be" doing. I have always been too hard on myself, and it's an old tape that rolls around my brain. Have to win, win, win. And if you win, you better work hard to win again. Yikes. Have to keep this up. Have to win at horse shows, win writing awards, be a NY Times bestseller or you suck, and on and on. It's as if I'm screaming out at the world, searching for love in winnings and achievements and of course, this kind of love is fleeting. Winning is fun, but it's a ridiculous calling as well, because I'm an extremely hard worker anyway, so there's no reason for it, but the words are still there sometimes.
But it's OK to have these thoughts too. It allows me to notice how I'm changing.
When I don't worry, when I just enjoy the day and try to be kind and helpful...that's when I'm at my best. When I do some art, enjoy the moment and the process. When I sit and write to you from my heart. Then I'm excited, carefree, strong. All of these things make me happier. If winnings roll in, cool. If not, cool.
Right here, right now, I'm in a bit of physical pain, but not too bad considering how I busted my ass yesterday, ha. I'm having a cup of coffee, thinking about the spirit of the universe. I'm well-rested, and that's something. I'm also thinking about how I love swings -- beach swings, porch swings, playground swings. I always have. I daydream about swings and the water all the time...we used to go to Bear Lake in the summers. Early morning, when I was little, I had a secret place on one of these swings, and I would sneak out, hit the beach swing, and rock and roll with the waves all alone when no one was around, and the thought of the image brings me such comfort.
Good, bad, winning, losing, dark, light. It's all there, and I'm not afraid of any of it anymore. It's become easier to roll with the waves, so to speak. A few weeks ago, I was at the car wash, and I called my spiritual adviser, and I was a ridiculous wreck. He listened to me for some time, and I was quite distraught. A literal puddle of grievances. No, not a puddle, a thunderstorm. Quietly, he listened. After I was done with my tearful, primal rant, he asked me one question: "Do you deserve peace?"
That was his only response.
Immediately, this simple question struck me with a force, and it turned me around. Because I halted. My obsessions waned, and I knew that I do indeed deserve peace. I'm worthy of it, and I just have to allow myself to feel and be peaceful with myself however I am. Do I love myself? I suppose this is a lifetime job, and I think God is helping me learn how to better understand this notion so that I can spread it outward.
Right here, right now. Rolling with the waves, allowing myself to freely feel and embrace the world accordingly, following the "God inside." Peace comes when I accept all of myself -- the gutters and the mountains -- and try to help and give back.
We all deserve peace.
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
