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5/03/2024

Love. And Some Words.

 

Good morning! Just sharing one of my favorites. It's been a long, ongoing journey for me -- learning about love. I've come a long way. I feel closer to spirituality these days, in a new way. Hard stuff forces one to be in the moment. A difficult lesson, but also a rewarding one when I can give in and experience it. When I'm in the moment, I can see where I can be more helpful, where my gifts might shine in this roller coaster we call "life." I also laugh more and have more fun! For sure. 

Don't forget to check out my books! Look at the right side of this page. Click on the book covers for descriptions...and to purchase. Or, here's my Author Page.

If you'd like samples of my fiction, click the "Fiction:  Stories and Scenes" label on the right side of this page. When you check out my fiction, I think you'll be surprised; it's chockful of fast-paced intensity. :) XO. And the dialogue in my books is like no other -- real, raw. Dialogue is my specialty. :) When I grab on to a voice, I "become" the character...you'll see no trace of "me." :)

Anyway, enough of business. I'm off to do deliveries. Unfortunately, with the summer rolling in, the world turns into what I call this: "Bottled Water Frenzy," which means that most of my orders include heavy, 24-packs of water. In the winter, I'm still screwed with big bags of dog food and firewood, haha. I should start an advertising campaign to encourage people to drink tap water, haha. That'd really help me out.

Honestly, I'm grateful to have the ability to get up and do my job. And that my mega mileage car just keeps on running, knock on wood! Wish me luck. I take impeccable care of my car, so I'm hoping, because otherwise, I'm shit outta luck, as it's essential for my job. Stressful.

I hope you have a beautiful day. Sending love and light to you, always, no matter what. 

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Short Story: While You're Down There.

Here's a short story, so that you know I can kill it at my craft, and I'm not just a girl who writes about macaroni, like I did yesterday, This is really old, but it shows an example of my intensity and style. In this one, just a hint...short sentences give a feeling of stress, stuntedness, and punch out a little nervousness for the reader. :) So you know something strange is coming. A little secret. I do such tactics with poetry as well. Enjoy...C.A.

While You're Down There


by C.A. MacConnell

Stifling. The air. A hot, damp, thick Seattle summer evening. Seven-thirty on the nose, it was time for Charlie to head home. She scanned the crowd and spat. It was her secret, buried bad side that flew out of her mouth only when no one was looking. A simple thing - spitting - but it felt good. It seemed like she had spent her entire life with her mouth pursed in a tight petal, acting demure. Spitting, every now and then, gave her a tiny, wet release. When no one was looking.

Standing at the entrance to Seattle's Pike Place Market, Charlie removed her apron. Under the apron, Charlie was thin. Well put together. She was thirty-three, but she looked twenty-six, give or take a few.

With a bony finger, she tucked her hair behind her right ear. For ten years, she'd maintained neat, straight, brown hair with short bangs. She slid on bug-style, sexy sunglasses, hiding her deep brown eyes.

Moving forward, Charlie waited to cross the street. Wind blew at her dress enough to reveal her pale, clean, long legs, and her slender ankles. When she went out, anywhere, she wore dresses with closed-toe sandals. Market rules on shoes. Calf-high boots in the winter. Her classy look never varied. When she walked the Seattle streets, heads turned.

The lights were taking forever. Red. No change. A dirty skate kid rolled up, handing her a flyer for the latest show at the Seattle Art Museum.

Charlie read the brochure, then tore it to shreds. At heart, she was a painter, but she never painted anymore. Not for ten years.

For ten years, she'd lived in the city of rain. Ten years. No variation. For spending cash, she worked at The Market. The job was filthy, and the hours were long, but it was simple. Charlie was wickedly smart, but she liked the grunt job. It gave her an excuse to have short, rough nails. Besides spitting, this was her only flaw. Bad hands. And being part of the downtown scene was all that she had left of her creative side. She took home leftover produce, and she liked the ease of it. Among all market employees, Charlie stood out. Everyone thought she was spitting gorgeous. Daily, men and women whistled at her. So she stayed. For ten years.

Something must be wrong with the light, Charlie thought. No change. Still, she stood there waiting, sweating, and musing about her life. Ten hours a day, four days a week, her job was to stand with a dripping, half-cut nectarine and force testers on the tourists. To the boss, fruits and vegetables were gold. Charlie’s stand was the largest in The Market. Daily, tourists weaved through her aisles, squeezing skins; what they took home had to feel ripe.

When they packed in on her at lunchtime, Charlie gave it her all. She'd yell, "Last chance! Eastern Washington nectarines and peaches! Come and get 'em!" over and over until, on the busiest days, her voice turned hoarse. Sexed-up.

--
For ten years, Charlie had taken the same route home.

She still hadn't gone far. Still waiting on the damn light. All around her, people started shifting and complaining, but Charlie said nothing. She waited. Like a sniper, she waited. As usual, in each hand, she carried a plastic bag full of avocados, lettuce, peaches, almonds, and more. One bag split. She paused to check the damage. She'd lost everything. She shrugged, littered, and finally walked forward. One bag was enough for her and Danny, her husband, anyway.

But when she neared the bus stop, when she looked up again, she saw someone strange and new. There was a man, an oddly young, white-haired man; he was heading toward Seattle's Best Coffee. Quickly. On a mission, perhaps. The man looked cool. Retro.

Charlie thought about stiff Danny. A handsome, slick computer suit. She and Danny were a horrific match. They both said so daily. But they stayed together, acting out parts in their modern, cold apartment uptown. It held angular furniture, the kind that looked better than it felt. What kept them together was the sex, and the codependency that Charlie knew everything about, but she didn't care. Long ago, she'd decided that she wasn't changing anytime soon. "Anytime soon" had turned into ten years of Charlie waiting on Danny and his cocaine to come home.

The white-haired man stopped in front of Seattle's Best Coffee, studying the building.

Curious, Charlie watched him. Her stomach hurt, gurgled. Then she felt her gut start to boil, as if it might rupture. She put a hand at her aching belly. Something seemed wrong.

Danny always thought it was cute. Her shrugging, her spitting silence, her stomach aches.

Charlie liked the sex.

The white-haired one rocked from foot to foot, the way Charlie's fish stand lover did. The fish guys were two stands down from her stand. While the boss timed her, during Charlie's coffee breaks, she watched the men throw salmon. Hands gloved in slime, the fish men sang to the tourists, reeling them in, smiling and wiping grimy fingers on grimy aprons that were already black from the day before. Daily, Charlie imagined their hands turning into slick, human fins. Danny had taken away many of her things -- her paints, her brushes, and her blank canvases -- but Danny couldn't steal her imagination. This, and the spitting and the sharks, was Charlie's little secret.

For ten years, she'd been picking up sharks, banging them. Her current one was twenty-three, and he had quite the stamina. Kid was always asking Charlie to leave Danny and run away to Portland, but when he looked at her with watery blue eyes, begging, "Please," Charlie shrugged and answered, "Maybe." She'd said "maybe" to a different shark for ten years. Please, please, please.

The white-haired man wasn't moving. Customers slipped in and out of Seattle's Best, and he stood there, staring at the window.

Charlie had never seen him near the Market. Not a customer or worker. She studied the back of him.

He wore slick black gloves. Black combat boots, a black leather jacket. Too many layers for summer.

Charlie moved closer.

The white-haired man slowly reached inside his jacket, pulling out a black gun.

Drooling, Charlie put a hand over her mouth.

Slowly, he aimed the gun at the glass window of Seattle's Best Coffee and shot. Then he stood there smiling, watching people run.

Behind him, like a firm statue, Charlie waited. Maybe he'll kill himself, she thought. But he didn't. It didn't seem like he was looking for money or blood. Charlie spat.

Everywhere, people scattered into alleys. Even after the shatter, the screams, and finally, the sirens, the white-haired man stood still, putting his gun on the ground, surrendering, hands up.

While they cuffed him, he looked back at Charlie.

Amidst the chaos, she was the only one standing out in the open. A still, naked, easy target.

The shooter's expression remained flat, expressionless. His v-shaped mouth was closed tight, upturned at the corners like an envelope's seal. Then he smiled at her.

Charlie shrugged. For a second, she thought about smiling back, but people were looking. Still hiding, but they were looking. The shooter's only visible audience, she stood tall, full of rage and peace and utter fear and no one was near. No one came out of hiding. She felt like her body might split in two, and half of her would roll away like a splintering, wooden wheel. She'd never felt so bare, so exposed. No more than a blank piece of thin, wet paper about to tear.

Repeatedly, the shooter turned his head to look at her. He smiled one last time before the cops got rough. When the police hauled him away in a dark cruiser, the sky leaked rain.

She'd better get home. Surely, Danny was waiting, wanting her to make him a meal. But for some reason, it felt good to connect with a criminal. Charlie had never even stolen a single grape.

Nobody died that night.

--
The next morning, Charlie didn't kiss Danny, because she knew he hated her strawberry lip-gloss.

They had sex on the kitchen table.

In his stiff suit, Danny gave her a stiff hug and left.

As usual, wearing a pretty dress and sandals, she took the bus to work.

Mornings, Charlie had to carefully arrange the fruit and vegetables to attract people. Colors sucked them in. She was good with colors. But numbers were difficult. Sometimes, she cheated customers. Sometimes, they cheated Charlie. But she figured it all worked out in the end, one way or another.

Lunchtime. It happened every day. When she bent down to pull out a crate of nectarines, her boss laughed and said, "While you're down there, why don’t you do me a favor?" He said this when her eyes were level with his zipper. His mustache was thick, a spongy mess hanging over his lip.

Charlie thought about peeling him, but she smiled, shrugged, turned, and became good and quiet, hauling out the heavy crate, acting like nothing happened. For ten years, she acted like nothing happened.

"Last chance. Come and get 'em," Charlie muttered to the tourists.

On her way home that night, it rained hard. She accepted the feel and kept on walking, oblivious, imagining she was in the desert.

At the bus stop, she thought about Danny saving her from Dr. Mom and Dr. Dad. When Charlie was ten, she got a "B" once, which made her sniffle.

Mom said, "Suck it up, Charlotte. Life's rough. Work harder."

Mom and Dad were doctors who liked to save the world. To Charlie, Mom was a Type A bitch, and Dad was a shoe sole.

After the "B," Charlie made an apple wood carving in Art class. Because it looked so real, and she was hungry, she bit into it. She got splinters in her teeth. And a bloody lip. Other kids laughed at her. Laughed and laughed. Charlie decided that day to never, ever create anything that real again. Then, when no one was looking, she spat.

Her bus came and went. Charlie sat still. After ten years of Danny, uptown, thick silence, suits and sex on hard, angular chairs, Charlie's teeth chattered. She felt a subtle, stirring anger, and then full-on fury bled into her. She pictured Danny coming home from the office, wearing his fresh-pressed suit, and his striped, expensive tie. She pictured Danny opening and shutting and opening and shutting the blinds. She pictured him doing lines on the glass den table, then leaving without a word. Then she saw him returning at six a.m., redressing, wanting sex and breakfast.

Always home by eight p.m. Ten years of home by eight. She should be there, boiling something.

Another bus came. And went.

People did what doctors told them to do. If Charlie didn't, Dr. Mom would give her that look, and that look meant that no matter what, Charlie was no more than bruised fruit. Suck it up, Charlotte. Life's rough. Rough enough to give her splinters. Later, alone, she had to pick them out of her lip, in the basement, in the dark, tasting blood and spitting and tasting blood until it tasted good.

Then Charlie thought about the shooter. She thought about his nature -- unpredictable and cool. She thought about what she could do, since she wasn't home, boiling dinner. She could find her lover, the kid shark. Please. Maybe. No. She had another idea.

She returned to the bus stop. Here it came. It was the wrong bus to take her home, but suddenly, it was the right bus to Charlie. Why not, she thought. Why not just get on the wrong bus, get off at the wrong stop, and stay there. Forever. Why not.

Riding, she pressed her pale face to the window, watching the human blur outside. Another bus, then another, a few cell calls, and she arrived where they were holding him, the shooter.

She crossed the street without looking. Suddenly, feeling was everything. The rain was the bullet kind. All around, people ran for cover. No control over the weather and the way the peaches weren't ripe yet. They came around with time. Danny was probably home, nursing a bloody nose, wondering why she wasn't there, slicing pears.

She acted slutty with the officers, getting the shooter's name. Aaron something. She sketched it down.

For ten years, Charlie had access to Danny's money. For ten years, she'd refused to borrow cash. But she remembered the passwords. All letters. Letters came easy to her. A few calls to Key Bank, a few emails on her cell, a few transfers, presto. Finally, she had a reason to harvest the goods.

That summer, jails were overflowing. It wasn't hard to bail Aaron out.

Aaron's white hair was slick. His big eyes were shaped like sideways avocados, turning into pistachios when he squinted at her.

Charlie picked at the remnants of mushrooms under her nails.

Aaron came forward to the free side.

Side by side, they walked like any old couple. Criminal and artist, interchangeable.

Aaron put his jacket around her shoulders. His eyes opened and changed. More like plums.

Charlie thought of pistachios. She loved them until the boss saw Charlie breaking shells with her teeth, and he gave her that look that said, While you're down there.

Danny might be calling the cops, looking. No, he wouldn't want them finding his coke. Either way, right then, there was nothing better than wild, convict Aaron and the rain. That was enough.

Together, they took the bus to Aaron's pad, a dive in Belltown.

Inside, when Aaron kissed her, he kissed her. He swallowed her. He sucked her in. Lip to lip, he held her there. She felt him grow into her. She felt her insides tear.

His hair moved like white fire.

Aaron rested his head on her blue dress, and they slept this way.

--
In the morning, Charlie stretched out naked on the futon. Her body tingled, feeling new.

Aaron looked strangely peaceful, lightly snoring on his side.

She slipped a pretty dress over her head, ran her fingers over her bangs, smoothing them, and stood, looking around.

Aaron's place was simple. One knife, one fork, one pan. No clutter.

She made coffee. Seattle's Best. Black. She felt cold, damp, chilled, as if she were inside a melon. Sipping from the mug, she tiptoed around, rummaging, finding Aaron's other gun under a couch pillow.

She slipped the gun into her purse. One last time, she looked at him. Aaron was strange, dangerous and beautiful, and he had never even spoken to her. She thought about poking him, just to make sure he was real. She thought about squeezing him, testing his age. Then she decided that it was better to wonder. In the moments with Aaron, words had been replaced by lips, jackets, and the sound of his and her breath, breath and only breath, breath alone. With him, she was fresh juice. She was thirsty and alive.

Quietly, she slipped out the door like a thin letter. Heading to work, she felt pensive and alert. She hadn't missed a day in ten years, and she wasn't about to break that vine. When the rain came down hard enough, Charlie drank it. She had to finish things with the boss.

Morning wasn't bad. Charlie weighed apples and caught bananas, yelling, "Last chance! Eastern Washington nectarines and peaches! Come and get 'em! Last chance!" She was perky. She sold it like a lady.

Around lunchtime, Charlie had a bad taste in her mouth. She was sick of hard furniture, lists, and bringing home leftovers. She was sick of Danny leaving, coming home, leaving, sick of his missing nose cartilage, sick of lines on the table, the fruit, the bruises, the fruit, the skins. Nothing was ever fully skinned, edible, tangible, real, whole. No matter how much she touched handsome Danny, he was never better, never ripe.

"Come and get 'em!" she yelled. "Last chance!"

The boss was rotten too. People could be tricky. She could get too close, and they locked her up, and no matter how gorgeous the house or the market colors were, they were still prisons. Suck it up, Charlotte. Life's rough. This much was clear.

The boss cracked his knuckles over and over, like he was trying to get at a nut's insides. Crack, crack, crack. He had leftover lunch on his mustache.

Charlie fixed the fruit, and when she bent down, when her mouth was level with the boss' zipper, when he said, "While you're down there," she reached her hand inside her purse, pulling out her bug-style sunglasses, slipping them on. Then she reached deeper, finding the cold gun with her bad hands.

She shot at the star fruit, the kiwis, and all of the produce until guts were everywhere. The boss screamed, running down the aisle, backing his fat body against the fish stand.

Smiling, Charlie stood still, holding the gun loosely.

The boss' eyes widened, apricot-sized. Then he covered his face with his hands, crouching low in front of the fish stand's glass case.

She raised the gun again, pointing it at his apron. She said, "While you're down there," smiling. Her finger brushed the trigger.

Then she spotted the blue-eyed kid, her lover shark, who had a wicked tremor going on. He stood up tall, moving his skinny body between Charlie and the boss, right in the line of fire.

Charlie stared into his watery, grape eyes.

One tear drifted out of the kid's left eye, cleaning his market-soiled face. "Please, Charlie, please," he said.

Charlie spat, putting the gun down. She whispered, "Why not."

Nobody died that day.

 

5/02/2024

Photos, and a P.S.

 

P.S. I am a very strange bird. I went to all-women's schools all the way up, through college. It changed me. When I use the term "marriage," I mean something different than most women. I mean:

1. Hot sex, eat cookies, watch movies.
2. Don't have sex with others b/c I'm too old to go to the clinic. Threesomes are too confusing; I decided that in the nineties.
3. Be honest.
6. Do whatever the fuck you want, unless one person is about to be mauled by a cheetah. Help each other.
7. When it's right, and both people are doing whatever the fuck they want, they'll be doing it together sometimes, and it'll be awesome. And sometimes they'll be alone, and that'll be awesome too.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I decided when I was alone in my car. I have no experience, but this is my wisdom. Perhaps I am 15 going on 49, but this is how I see it, ha.

C.A. MacConnell

5/01/2024

Snail, and Some Words.

 

Sitting here eating macaroni and cheese. I've been liking that lately and so, I roll with it. My favorite foods are bananas, avocados, juices, yogurt, and the Complete Cookie. Mushroom risotto is one of my favorites too. :) I also like PB&J and Pop Tarts. Honestly, I'm like a child when it comes to food. I eat to live. Others live to eat I guess. I've never even used my oven. I don't care about decorating, furniture, or possessions either. Just not on my radar.

Just sharing something from my life. I had a longass day. I'm exhausted, and it was challenging, but I did the best I could, which is usually over the top, since I tend to be hard on myself.

You know, when I was little, I spent a lot of time alone. I still do, and I'm quite introverted. I suppose I have a lot of acquaintances, but as for closeness, I have a small circle, but the ones I do interact with...I'm honest, open, and super healthy in my relationships with them, and they are those that I love and can trust. That's something that makes me smile, and I'm proud of that. 

I'm also proud of trooping through some of the toughest years of my life. I swear, I look ten years older than I did two years ago...there's a reason for that. I'm tired, and I'm in physical pain a lot, and I have some bad days, and I have some free days, but I'm here. 

You know, my story is an amazing one. When I think back to certain events, I can't even believe I'm thinking about myself. I've written my story, and at some point, I hope to get it out there to help people. It's truly unique. But I also wrote another book, and I'm working on getting that one published first. We shall see.

On the internet, in my nonfiction writings, and in person, I'm quite open. There really is no filter. Scares some people I suppose, I don't know. Just who I've grown into I guess. :) Of course, I know how to stick to my side of the street when it comes to nonfiction, and I always write with integrity. I change names or omit things to protect others' privacy. Years of journalism, and my desire to share my truth, taught me the importance of that. Also, it's just a part of who I am.

Wonder what's next? Although I haven't dated anyone in like 12 years, I'd like to get married, ha. Just jump straight to it, no practice. Sounds fun, though. I'd give it a shot. I'm leaning toward yes.

I realize I'm ridiculous, but I've had a dream about it for years, and I've never given up.

C.A. MacConnell

Cover, The House of Anchor.

 

A photo I took that later became the cover for my second book, THE HOUSE OF ANCHOR... this sucker was so much fun to write, although it took years of research to create the dialogue. You'll be amazed when you see. :)

It's a stunning mystery, a wild adventure, a creative gem. It moves with a fierce pace, and it holds twists and turns that'll shock you. A true ride that'll send you to another world, for sure. I adored everything about writing this book. This book would make an incredible Netflix series or film, for sure. So many rich characters. It's deep, gritty, humorous, and gripping, all in one.

You can find all four of my books on Amazon. :) Click to read reviews and purchase! Don't miss out. 

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

4/30/2024

Support.

Good morning! I'm excited to see the way things are growing lately. On my own, I created, wrote, edited, and designed all four of my books. I even did the cover photos/art. If you've read my books, pass it on!

This is an entirely solo effort. Thank you for being a part of my journey! 

If you are enjoying my site, please donate to support my art, as these endeavors all take time and hard work! Just click the yellow "donate" button on the right side of this page.

And, all of these things help
...

1. Donate to support! Click the yellow "donate" button on the side of this page. Easy, and any amount helps me continue to write and share my art.
2. Share my Author Page
3. Join my Facebook Page -- C.A. MacConnell
4. Buy books!
5. Leave a review on Amazon. Thanks to those who left feedback! Rockin.
6. Send me a message, join my email list. Contact here.
7. Mention my site address.

Of course, every day, I'm working on expanding, and I'll get Book Five out there for you soon! My first stab at a nonfiction book, and I think you'll be surprised. It's engaging, uplifting, and unique. Can't wait for you to read it.

Thanks for reading!

Hope you have a beautiful day.
C.A. MacConnell

4/29/2024

Tires.

 

Weirdly, this is one of my favorites. I love it. So simple. I like the small stuff the best. The strange ones, the ones that usually no one likes but me.

I know, I've been so serious on this site lately, seemingly trying to figure everything out. In the moment, when I'm writing, my introvert nature creeps out, and I begin to reflect and dig deep. I've been like this as far back as I can remember. When I was eight or so, I remember sitting in the backyard under a willow tree, wondering about God, Native Americans, the plains, true love, and the like, while the other kids were swinging. I mean, later, I'd swing too, but I'd still be thinking about mustangs, unicorns, heaven, or my place in the world.

Sometimes now, I'm able to laugh at my intensity. When I write in the moment, it seems to make sense sometimes. But later, I'll think, I have so many questions. I am like a child in this. I realize that! Last night, I wrote a note to God, asking the universe to take over on my list of ridiculousness.

Maybe my musings, my writings, will help some people. Just part of my way of working through things. I hope you find what makes you happy, whether or not it has anything to do with me or my words. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. But I'm hoping I can learn how to better love and be loved today. I'm hoping I can learn how to better love myself today. I'm learning how to let those people in. :) XO.

We're in this together.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

4/28/2024

Everything. Living in the Solution.

 

Living in the Solution

When I speak or write nonfiction, I tend to be transparent, like I was yesterday on this site. At times, I've probably been too open in certain environments, but that was because in the past, I had certain expectations about what the reaction might be. Now, for the most part, I don't worry about it. I just speak, write, and see what happens. I'll think, Fuck it, be me, be where I am, celebrate my place, my state of mind right here, right now.

Some stare. Others gather close. Others want to "fix" me or whatnot, which always makes me grin, because what they don't realize is that the openness itself is the main source of the solution. The reactions vary, for sure. It's interesting. But sometimes, the next day, I'll think, Now why did I bust out those feelings to the public? Wonder how that came across? Briefly, I had such thoughts a few minutes ago. But then, I came across certain social media comments. Many were thanking me. Certain people related, felt my openness was helpful, and the like.

After I speak to a group, I've noticed that certain souls will approach me excitedly, and they'll want to know me, get closer. Lately, I've been worrying a hell of a lot less about what people think, for sure. Because when I see how some -- an interesting mix -- respond, I realize that my words are powerful, and it's a gift, and I stop second-guessing my first move, which is to come from my experience, my strength, and my heart. Vulnerability makes many folks feel uncomfortable...they may see it as weakness; they may be terrified. They may want to "fix" the feelings, make them go away.

But to me, vulnerability is a sign of passionate, potent inner strength and love; it is a sign of growth and change. Vulnerability = living in the solution. Sexy too.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

4/27/2024

Photo, and Some Words.

 

A shot I just came across. Made me feel peaceful. Hope it does that for you as well. Hope your life is full and happy -- everything you wish it to be.

I'm fighting negativity/fear/physical pain. Some days, I can turn it around quickly. Other days, I'm not so successful, but I'm learning. I'm proud of my journey in the past few years, but the stress has taken a toll on my body. Aware of it, for sure, all the time...there has been and still is ongoing stress. Working 7 days a week, applying for other jobs. I like what I'm doing, and it's essential for me to find something that involves movement. But deliveries...not always consistent, and my car has mega miles, so that's scary/stressful to me all the time, and things are tight as hell.

Indeed, it's just me and God on this. Literally, one day...or sometimes one moment...at a time.

And so, I keep searching, praying, hoping, and taking action! Not sure where I'm headed from here. Right now, I just keep making deliveries, applying for other stuff, and then...creating photos, stories, and books. I have two books of nonfiction ready to go. I'm letting one sit, as I need to revise it some. The other is polished; I'm seeking an agent. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Not sure what'll pan out there. May just put it out myself, but I'll try the traditional route first.

But I do know this:  my favorite part of the day is when I get home from a meeting, rest on the couch, rest my body, and listen to a meditation. I like this particular one...I usually do the same one, but there's another I switch it with too. Other days, silent. Sometimes, I do it during the day if I get a chance as well. It's my little escape, a peaceful rest at least a half hour every day.

Checking in to let you in on some of my life.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Try.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of fear, but I'm dealing with it differently. I'm not taking action on it right away or grabbing on to coping mechanisms. Instead, I'm waiting, leaning into it heavily, feeling it fully, and walking right through it, which is awful sometimes, but it hasn't killed me, and I'm seeing the results -- glimpses of the other side.

Sounds heavy, I know, and sometimes it is, but other times, I'm cracking up.

Life.

Reminding myself to be compassionate toward myself and others today, because one never knows what someone has going on inside. XO.

Love to you. One thing I'm good at...I will always try.
C.A. MacConnell

4/25/2024

My Next Book Cover...

 

Excited? I am. Ha. Why do I have the feeling that both Tom Hanks and Wes Anderson would crack the fuck up at this. Hey guys, here's my cover, in case you ever come across my site. I always think we have inside jokes, even though I've never met you. Makes sense to no one but me.

No, readers, I am not delusional, just having fun. Then again, either way, who cares.

All I know is this...right now, in heaven or what not, my former professor, Richard, is laughing and cheering me on right now.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Big Cat.

 

An oldie but goodie. Hope you're well and happy. Love, C.

4/23/2024

Plane.

 

Good morning. Just sharing one of my favorites. Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

4/22/2024

KHP 1.

 

This shot, well, this is what I open my computer to every day. :) A shot I took at the Kentucky Horse Park when I recently visited the land. Growing up, I spent a lot of time there, although it almost feels like another life now. I had great successes there. I had some defeats too, ha. I had laughs, tears, time with friends, time alone staring out at the fields. I had a lot of anxiety there, and I also had times of peace. I worked hard. I played hard. I experienced the whole gamut here. I also got into some trouble, for sure.

Life, memories, feelings, all wrapped up in one shot.

But when I look at it now, I focus on the peace that fills me when I stare out at horses in a field, horses grazing in the wild. In the past and now, this feeling of peace always enters into my heart when I gaze out at a field. Very calming. It has always struck me. Staring out at the sky or a large body of water makes me feel the same way.

Just sharing something from my life today.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

4/21/2024

Are You OK? Care and Concern.

Usually, on Sunday afternoons, I'm exhausted from the work week but today, I can't stop thinking about my friend Dan (name changed), who passed on a few years ago. And so, I'm writing to you.

Are You OK? Care and Concern.

See, I worked with Dan, and most people just saw him as some quiet guy who was obsessive about arranging items, stocking, and counting inventory. But in reality, he was incredibly well-read, and he had the sharpest wit. I believed him to be a genius walking around in plain sight, and most people around him were clueless. Because he was so smart, Dan sometimes rubbed people the wrong way; that is, in his mind, the world had a particular order, and if something interrupted his order, on certain days, especially early morning, he became quite disturbed. Quickly, I noticed this about him...

Soon, after I figured it out, I was able to easily interact with him in a way that worked. I'd say, "Dan, I know this is not the time to ask you, because it's morning. I understand, but right now, I need you to check in the back for some yogurt." And he would gaze at me steadily, listen, take it in, and then he'd look sideways, register the change, then move to go get the yogurt. Literally, I could physically see him trying to understand why the order of the day was different. One day, he even added, "Hey, I think, when I first met you, a long time ago, you asked me for something like this, and I'm sorry I got mad."

I changed. He changed. It was really cool, the way we interacted. It taught me so much. A special, innocent, compassionate kind of love. I miss him dearly.

But today, I was thinking about his most unique personality trait. Dan never, ever judged anyone on their exterior. In fact, he didn't notice people's appearances at all. If a girl asked him out, he simply stated, "I only like friends. I'd love to be your friend." And when he told me about the girl, he never mentioned her appearance. He didn't notice makeup, a different haircut, clothes, body types, or anything of the sort. He had absolutely no concept of the popular worldwide notion of "looking good." This idea was absolutely absent from his vocabulary. In a way, it was as if he were viewing everyone as children. There was a certain unique innocence about his whole way of being, and it captivated me.

One day, I had white barrettes in my hair. He asked, "Did you hurt yourself?" I laughed and explained that I changed my hair. He laughed too, but he didn't care at all. His only concern was whether or not I was OK. He was never concerned about how anyone looked.

This quality about him was amazing to me because growing up, I learned this:  even if you're falling apart, you have to look good and no matter what, don't talk about it and don't show your feelings. It's an idea that I've worked hard to shake, but I believe a part of it will always be with me. Dan was a powerful force in my life, and he helped me take a look at myself.

How different would the world be if people worried less about exteriors? I believe that with the younger generation, these ideas are indeed shifting for some in a very healthy way, and it's lovely to see this change in some of the folks around me. 

I've worked hard on my childhood issues but with this one -- this notion of appearance -- I'd like to see more of a change within myself, for sure. I can be incredibly harsh with myself, especially when it comes to my appearance, and it's never helpful. But every time I think of Dan, I think about what he would ask:  Are you OK? Without even trying, innately, his intentions always stemmed from care and concern. Compassion. Beautiful. What if I applied Dan's view to myself? What if I were innocent, caring, and compassionate toward myself? What if we all were...with ourselves and others?

Thank you, Dan. I'm not perfect, but I am OK today, thanks to teachers like you. I bet you're up there smiling, arranging something.

We're in this together.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Stay the Course.

Some say to "stay in the moment." Aye, but I carry all of my experiences with me wherever I go. To act and react as this person, without altering my course, is easy. Nearly robotic, in fact.

But it is possible to make a decision that's new, one that may feel utterly uncomfortable. Changing life-learned patterns -- this takes great strength and patience.

Because it's new. Right or wrong, it's new, and it chips away at the old pattern and slowly, I can change my entire way of being. And I've been practicing these changes for the past few years. And I feel very uncomfortable some days, some hours, some weeks. Other days, I feel ultimately free.

But I believe in this new version of myself that hasn't even fully arrived yet. I believe because when I get quiet, I keep having the same feeling -- stay the course.

Good morning. Hello. Love to you.
C.A. MacConnell

4/19/2024

Pass It On.

 

Good morning! Thank you so much...for spreading the word! I'm excited to see the way things are growing lately.

Truly, "word of mouth" is my friend. On my own, I created, wrote, edited, and designed all four of my books. I even did the cover photos/art. If you've read my books, pass it on!

This is an entirely solo effort.

So, all of these things help
...

1. Mention this site address
2. Share my Author Page
3. Join my Facebook Page -- C.A. MacConnell
4. Buy books!
5. Leave a review on Amazon. Thanks to those who left feedback! Rockin.
6. Send me a message, join my email list. Contact here.
7. Donate to support! See "donate" button on the side of this page.

Of course, every day, I'm working on expanding, and I'll get Book Five out there for you soon! My first stab at a nonfiction book, and I think you'll be surprised. It's engaging, uplifting, and unique. Can't wait for you to read it.

Thanks for your support.

Hope you have a beautiful day.
C.A. MacConnell

4/17/2024

All Together.

Good morning.

What's wrong with my life?

How do I feel?

What should I change?

Better get on that, holy shit.

You seem to have it all together.

A lot of people seem to have it all together.

One-on-one, no one has ever told me they have it all together.

Maybe I'm OK just how I am.

Maybe you're OK just how you are.

Hey, I love butterflies.

C.A. MacConnell

4/16/2024

Me, April 24.

 

Hi there. Pretty much what I look like when I'm working. So, this is pretty much how I look, because I'm always working! Seven days a week, I do deliveries and when I'm not doing that, I'm sleeping, walking and planning stories, taking pictures, or writing. This is my favorite hat, because I have a huge head, and it actually fits! I'd like about ten of the same hats, different colors, but I have yet to find another that's as comfy.

I do love Blind Melon, but not as much as some other bands; however, I particularly like the "Soup" album, which is definitely genius. Most people only know the first, self-titled one, but "Soup" is ridiculously awesome. An absolute gem. They've had a new singer for a long time, and he's kind, friendly, and talented as well.

There are a ton of talented people out there. Just depends on who gets promoted. I did music writing for eight years. Mostly local, but some national too. I met so many artists, and many of them were ultra-talented, hiding right out in the open, so to speak. A few names pop right up in my mind, the ones who "stood out." I'll keep it to myself but for sure, some are secret superstars just writing tunes, hanging out, having breakfast in their kitchens, later writing amazing tunes that may or may not get little to no circulation.

I am honored to know many of them.

Have a good day. Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. Shout out to Chanell, Nay, and the women of Madisonville, who are kind, strong, and supportive. Shout out to Shawntell, who makes me smile every day. <3 

4/15/2024

Photo. And some words about THE HOLE.

 

Took this photo with a friend in mind. He worked with me. Daily, we cut it up in the milk cooler. In case you didn't know, other than the freezers and bathrooms, the milk cooler is the only place in supermarkets where there aren't cameras. If no one found us, we couldn't get in trouble for wasting company time. So, we'd hide out there. Eventually, someone would call our names over the store speaker system, but we usually got away with it for a while. Literally, just as in car dealerships, in groceries, nearly everywhere you go, there's a camera. At most dealerships, the only place there's not a camera is the bathroom. And at some dealerships I've worked in, there's someone monitoring the cameras 24/7 at their home. No lie. Ultra creepy. More cameras than a jewelry store. Eyes everywhere.

Honestly, we both worked our asses off most of the time anyway, so it didn't really matter. These interactions eventually inspired me to write THE HOLE. He got a kick out of the whole idea, and he gave me a lot of info about dairy, stocking, and such. The real interactions were hilarious most days, and he was a sweet, sharply smart, kind friend. I miss him; he left this world a few years ago.

But the book turned into something different altogether -- an intense psychological thriller; you'll see some of his dark humor and sharp wit creep out from time to time, but that's pretty much it, because it took a wild turn from there. That's the way it usually works with my writing. I'll get inspired, but the rest comes out of the ether, a.k.a. my ridiculous brain. I love creating dialogue and slipping in humor when people would least expect it. I also love when horror films use this tactic.

If you haven't read THE HOLE, you're missing out. It's a page-turner, and I did an immense amount of research to develop my characters, especially Zion Makeda, who was my favorite to write. Actually, his character is far from my personal experience, although you'll see a bit of me creep in there, as he deals with some intense anxiety issues, and I do as well. For good reason...both of us have had heavy outside stress going on. I fell in love with all of these characters while I was writing. Sometimes I do. 

Here's my Amazon Author Page, for all the info.

Most people experience anxiety, in varying degrees, I've noticed. Although, I have a neighbor that seems to float around even keel. I asked her about it, and she said that she's always been that way, just floating around, ha.

Hope you get a chance to read THE HOLE. Not only is it a fast-paced psych thriller, it's also deep as hell and sometimes funny. Check it out.

Well, I'm gonna work for a short while. ;) <3. Glad you're here.

Love to you.
C.A. MacConnell