Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: actually, momentarily, I don't have any positive, grand, wise words to share with you, but I do feel open and real...
I feel a great sadness, a dark hole, in my heart -- loneliness, a silent little girl, a silent little girl who turned into a silent woman, the black sheep, the problem. My whole life, I've felt this way, and I've played the part. But slowly, over many years, I've uncovered the sources and old patterns, and I have been (and still am) walking right through the worst of it. Many days, it's no less than horrible. Deep, deep grief -- random and ongoing physical pain. Unpredictable tears, fear, and anger that feels so raw, I wonder if I'll die. Tears that sound almost animalistic.
Why? Not sure I have an answer, because this particular part of my journey began rather unexpectedly, and it rolled out rapidly. It is what it is. Absolutely, there's no going back. Straight through it.
All I know is that I wake up, experience the next surprise feeling, stay the course, go to work, pray my ass off, feel uncomfortable, do the deal, and keep living.
When I look around, there are a select few who are supporting me and drawing nearer to me; those are the ones I'm leaning into, because I know they support this new version of my character, not the old one.
This is a huge change, but I'm learning quickly, and I'm catching glimpses of what comes next: a new definition of love. Love that includes support, presence, compassion, kindness, laughter, joy, and action. I am afraid of the unknown, but if I find glimpses of this newness, lean into it, I tell myself.
Perhaps I'll meet you in this place.
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
