Muscle

 

C.A. MacConnell

Alley Shot

 

C.A. MacConnell

Happy Easter? No, Fourth. Hm.

 

Good morning. I don't have a bunny photo, and I won't comment on all of my historical ideas on the spiritual nature of the day, because it would take me all day, and everyone would be bored, amused, or horrified, and I have to work, but I love this photo.

This guy rocks.

So why not celebrate the Fourth of July today? Besides, he makes me happy. Hope the shot makes you smile as well, and I hope you have a good day today.

Last night, by chance, I found a fun club, and I loved the DJ, so I danced pretty hard for a bit. I got her info. I sure didn't fit in but then again, I don't think I ever fit in, so at this point, I don't really care at all.

Maybe my style will start trending. I'm waiting. Basically, sweats and/or pajamas that are twenty years old, but new shoes, b/c feet are important. And they're bigger now. 

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Gracie.

 

Most people don't know this about me, but I played out solo all over Ohio and Virginia during the nineties, and I was in a band for a while. Played guitar and sang in those days. I became pretty sharp on guitar back then. I've always just created originals, messed around. But I admit that my style is hilarious. You see, I learned on an enormous acoustic Ibanez with heavy strings, a guitar that was nearly bigger than me and so, I tend to really bang on guitars. Definitely not a "light feeler." I'm like the Meg White of guitar. Bam, Bam from the Flintstones. I'm the same with tennis and bowling; everyone's always like "Watch out!" I'm terrible at both of those sports. All muscle, absolutely no control. But like I said, in the nineties, I was sharp with my banging around, haha.

Lately, I've been drawn more to piano, but...last night, I was at an old friend's house, and he had a piano that sounded so rad. So, I played some new stuff I've been working on. And I played his guitar with a mic for the first time in about ... let's see ... 15 years. I think the last time I did that was for a show I did in Dayton in 2009, if I remember correctly. Before that show, I hadn't played out since like 1998. Reason I did that show -- well, I was interviewing some guys for a magazine, and I asked them who was opening for their next show, and they said, "You." I cracked up, but I took on the challenge, and I did it. We had a blast.

Anyway, last night, I played a song that I haven't played since then, which was fun, but I couldn't hear myself, which is a problem. But I had a good time. I felt comfortable at that microphone, ha. I always do. Like coming home. So strange. I'm extremely introverted and yet, when I get in front of a microphone, I'm so relaxed, right in the moment.

Anyway, just sharing something from my life. I've sold my guitars. I've sold everything. Not a "poor me" statement, just facts, lol. I'd like to get another, I think, when I can. I want an old acoustic Ibanez that I can bang on. I love the bass sound in those guitars. I don't like pussy-sounding guitars.

Some things never change. Ha.

Good morning.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

The Market

I really love the mix of strength and vulnerability in this one. Hint:  the line breaks, word choice, and rhythm contribute to this duality as well. :) Just a little secret. One that's more of an exercise in word choice, sound, and feel, in order to convey hidden meaning. Sort of like this:  "make sure you listen to the whole album." 💓👍One of my favorites...Love, C.A.

The Market

Oxygen, devotion, desire, and spare change
return to those who wait. I am
god, and you are god, and this is god,
and so is the snake. Confused tycoons
are fasting. Beneath them –
countless park bears
buried in camp-site scraps.

In between, together, come evening,
smart, patient wolves
chew on bone.
By noon, the nonprofit is no more
than a dried-up tit,
and all of my income
is buried in shit.

Little, dark dream circles
under my eyes.
Last night, you
had silver, sharp canines. When we

kissed, I tasted metal. No matter, no
mind.
Call me an illusion scavenger.
I love even the well, and the wait,

and the hell.
Following, I am no more
than an air-sucking parachute
fish-tailing on the drag strip.
For years,
I’ve taken the bait.
Sometimes, my ring

fingers freeze, knuckles locked stuck,
closed from the trigger grip.
With time,
movement tears apart

the tricky numb,
and suddenly, fist to heart,
you return.
Up ahead, the crowd breaks,

revealing
the Market. Yes, I make a muscle,
but can I pay with food stamps.
Now,
my blanket is damp, and I peel open
the bad eye.
Today, again – ridges,

cheap sheets, yellow,
and I’m ashamed
of the bruised peaches.
No lip, no skin,

no squinting eye, no smirk
beside me.
Empty bleachers. See, I am god,
and you are god, and this

is god, and the snake
is god, and so is the penniless
or high-class date.
People tell me that my hair is pretty.
The voices should be more
sing-song. People tell me
that my hair

is pretty. Like
always,
I stand
like a rock.

C.A. MacConnell

I Need You, Too.

 

When I looked at the sky and took this shot, I heard, "I need you, too." I believe the image captures this feeling as well. :)

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Cabbage

 

I really love this. Hope you do too.
<3
C.A. MacConnell

Fence, Poem, Photo.

Good morning. I'm glad you're here.

Thank you for your support.

Today, a two-for-one special! Ha. A photo and a poem. Donate to my site, and you'll be eligible for a ten-year-old, witch, Halloween Pez dispenser. Unopened! Seriously, if you're enjoying my art here on my site, if you can, please consider a donation. Button on right side of this page.

I have four books on Amazon! Check it out!

I'm working on getting Book Five out there. Wish me luck!

I hope your day is love-filled and unique. Spectacular, why not?

Always, love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Fence

Human, for years, I've been waiting.
Soon, I may warp into kindling --
no more than knots. Leaning back,
living in slant, there rests a ladder.
Today, may you reach out, touching
my strong side (the least faded,
the straightest, my shaded best).
Go ahead. Press your rising chest
against me. My mouth can take
the weight. You will make me --
one, lowly, man-made fence --
stand tall enough to come alive.
Peek above the jagged rows. Find
the crooked downside, for beyond
and below, a thousand splintered
stories, the aches of yesterdays,
are hidden within each crack and line.
So many whispers. All over, I hold
secrets. They are woven in.
They are carved into me
by little hands.

C.A. MacConnell

Here. Book Five.

Well, I finished my new Book Five. Ha, I know, I work fast. I'm stoked about it. It's full of hope and light, and I think it'll help some folks, who knows. Feels great to finish this draft. Ready to send out. Wish me luck. Stay tuned.

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

Thursday

 

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Bear Lake

I've been unsettled, and I've been grieving the past few days, which is OK, as I'm processing through some tough stuff, and silent meditation has been bringing up the emotions! But I woke up thinking about scenes that made me feel peaceful as a child -- and still do -- times when I was alone with nature, when it felt like it was all my secret...I remember having a feeling of "something greater" out there, even back then, and it calmed me, giving me some comfort. Here's a poem about one of those hiding places. Maybe it'll comfort you too. :) Hope you have a good day. Love to you, C.A.

Bear Lake

Early mornings,
I escaped
the family.
Slipping out
of the twin bed,
I looked over,
making sure
my brother
was still sleeping.
Softly opening
the door,
then the screen,
I closed them
behind me,
but something
always creaked.
Scratching my legs,
I cursed
at the chiggers.
I looked back
at the cottage,
checking,
maybe twice.
Barefoot,
I made my way
across the cool,
damp grass.
Looking both ways,
I crossed
the forbidden road.
Dead snake, one day.
Dad's t-shirt
was my dress.
I crept over
to the beach swing,
climbing up
to settle down
on the faded,
green cushion.
I gripped the chains
and rocked,
feeling the cool,
lake wind
and once again,
I listened
to the whispers
of secret waves,
and time
was all mine.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Kiss

 

I just woke up from a nap. So tired! Funny--I noticed that as soon as I woke, without a pause, my mind started to ruminate about negative things. But in the next moment, it was as if I stepped outside of myself, because this reality hit me with a force:  this negative thinking is coming from the old me. Yikes.

Then a new thought came into my mind...and I believe it was from God. It was this:

Create love, create joy.

Go toward love, go toward joy.

And I'm sitting here, typing to you, with a little tear in the corner of my eye, because I'm thinking...dear God, lead me back to this love and joy when I get lost. I've spent way too much of my life in the dark. And now that I see that, help me swiftly turn it all around. :) <3

Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

Glove 1.

Glove #1

I now have 58 photos of lost gloves, ha. This one was the first, 

C.A. MacConnell

Baby

Good morning. 

I'm afraid.

I think I'll try to figure this out.

Hm, that has never worked.

I guess I haven't mastered everything. I guess I'm a human being.

That sucks, but OK.

Yesterday, I was way too intense.

I prayed, and I listened to some music, asking God to help me regroup.

Then I dialed it down ten notches, and I started to crack up.

That was a winning idea.

Now, about this fear. I can't possibly turn this fear around in the same way, can I?

Hm, I've been afraid before, and it hasn't killed me. 

Last night, at first, I tossed and turned. Again, I thought I should figure out my fear. My mind started to race more. Again, that didn't work. Then I took a deep breath and said out loud, "Hey, God, it's you and me now. Please take away my fear and show me what to do." 

And I meant it.

And I slept like a baby.

Makes sense. Like everyone else, deep down, I'm simply a child looking for comfort.

Whether it comes from the heart or the sky, something or someone, both inside and out, hears us.

Then I woke up, dialed it down ten notches, and I started to crack up.

That was a winning idea.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

P.S. I've been changing up where I reach out quite a bit. I added a women's group, meditation groups, more comedy, and other new things. I've found that I need to shake up my schedule in order to gain new perspectives and put myself in a place of learning & questioning. Also, it helps to distract myself from old, negative thinking, fear, and the like. Distraction or taking action aimed at a positive future works better than focusing on the old. Perhaps this will help you. Hope you have a good day!

Note on Copyrighted Material.

 A note:  all of my photos and writings are copyrighted material, as it states in my bio, on the bottom of this page, and in my introduction. All photos and writings are the sole property of the author, C.A. MacConnell, and all are both copyrighted and timestamped through this site, on social media, and on my hard drive, as well as in various other ways, legally binding.

If anyone uses these writings and photos without permission in any way, there will be legal consequences.

Sincerely,
C.A. MacConnell

Happy St. Patrick's.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Lightning

Something I just wrote on the fly, just now...C.A.

Lightning

Brown eyes, narrow
jaw, blond hair, sunken
or full cheeks. Black
twisties. Makeup,
trucker hats, cartoon
sweats, no. Blurry --
all of them -- the faces,
the features. Furious,
I am, at the zigzag
part. Sideways, middle,
anything else. Please,
once. When I look
close, let me focus.
Let me see the contrail
coming from your comb.

C.A. MacConnell

Touch.

 

Good morning. A surprise is coming. :) Little surprises happen all day long, when I'm aware, childlike, and curious. Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

Three Girls, and Some Words from Me.

 

Three Girls, Cleveland, film shot. Just picked it randomly, actually. I suppose I like the feeling of play, and the essence of support. <3

Hope you're having a good day. I had a long one! Sometimes I take on too much work, or I accept orders that are too big, but I got ahead, and I'll be glad tomorrow. Had some big laughs with the meat department this morning; they were howling. Shit like that makes the day worth it, and I told the guys that too. I said, "I know we joke around a lot, but I don't think you realize how much these little interactions mean to me sometimes." They agreed. We had some hugs. There's a lot of love in between the jabs, that's for sure.

For six years, starting when I was fifteen, I worked with 40 men, all drivers. I'm accustomed to working with men, I suppose. Obviously, at first, I couldn't drive yet and so, I was stuck in the office until I got my license. Then I was driving all over the place, running the strangest errands. If I went into depth about it, no one would believe me.

Now my life isn't so exciting, and I work my ass off for very little, for sure. This past year has been extremely difficult in every way. Financial stress, family stress, physical and mental stress, you name it. Unbelievable loss and stress. I've been praying my ass off and working my ass off in every way. Truly, I've had some rough days and weeks, but I've been strong as hell, and I'm getting stronger, and I'm extremely grateful for the times of laughter. I'm also grateful for my spiritual advisers, and the new friends rolling into my life. I've changed a lot, and my circle is changing as well.

But I'm STILL led to jobs that involve driving, me, and a bunch of men, ha. Just how it has worked out. Makes me chuckle to wonder what's next...but I do know that here's one thing that'll be rolling out SOON:

I have a solid draft of Book Five finished, and I'm stoked about it. Stay tuned. I tore up the first version, and it's new now, and I think it's uplifting and unique. Can't wait for you to see it! My first stab at nonfiction, and I'm hoping for the best, in terms of publication.

Until then, you can find my four published novels on Amazon. To purchase, just click on the book covers on the right side of this page. You'll find a description of each one there as well.

If you're enjoying my site, consider a donation...button on the right of this page. All of this is a solo effort. I would be so grateful. Thanks for your support.

Love to YOU. I may get sidetracked but always, when I get quiet, there's never a doubt in my mind of what's right and important -- love to you. That's more important than any job, photo, or book.

C.A. MacConnell

Everything

Everything happens for a reason.

Does it?

Everything happens.

Since I was born in this world, I am naturally part of a community.

If I take positive action, I change from the inside out.

If I change from the inside out, I change the world in a positive way.

Everything happens, and I am the reason.

C.A. MacConnell

Book Five in the Works.

Just a note to tell you that Book Five is really turning out fantastic. It's a nonfiction work, my first book-length nonfiction piece.

I think you'll really like it.

Working hard, behind the scenes.

Stay tuned!

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

The Place to Be

Film Photo, obviously, ha. Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: I can get caught up, become distracted, and feel too much outside influence at times. Today, I'm reminding myself to take some time to listen, get quiet, and stay true to my calling. Love to you, C.A.

The Place to Be, a Haiku

Place to Be

Like the Octopus

Love Your Arms

-- C.A. MacConnell

American

 

C.A. MacConnell

Blue Heart

 

C.A. MacConnell

Little Quirks.

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: Thinking about little quirks I love about myself...

I always have ice cream and cookies on Saturday night; the flavor/brand varies, although I don't like high-end stuff.

I love to drive, and I always have. In college, they called me "Driverwoman." Also, "Snake," but I won't tell you why unless it's in person, ha.

I can do calligraphy.

I love my out-of-control eyebrows; they're long, thick, and hilarious, and I never touch them.

Lately, I love Chris Brown's music...I like the hint of vulnerability in his voice, and I like his songwriting b/c it packs a duality of feeling...never just one vibe; always dynamic, which is interesting. One of my favorite songs is "How We Roll" by Ciara and Chris Brown, and it's a great example of his technique -- he somehow delivers melancholy and joy in one line, and it's intriguing to me. I also love Yung Bleu & Kehlani - "Beautiful Lies." Same kind of vibe. But I was a music writer for many years, and I also love every other style of music. I adore any song with powerful drums. When Pearl Jam comes on, I go wild every time, the same way I have since 1992 -- I know every word, every note, every drumbeat, every howl or scream; it's hilarious to watch, because I can imitate Vedder's voice. I can also imitate Shannon Hoon and Axl Rose, and it's pretty right on the nose. Pretty funny if you catch me.

What's something unique about you? What do you love about yourself?

Tell me on social media. You can find my page in my bio. :)

Love,
C.A. MacConnell

If You Know, You Know

If You Know, You Know

The other day, when I was working, my first delivery was to a mansion with a pond, an automatic gate, the whole nine. My second delivery was to a low-income apartment complex, one of the most tragic I've ever seen. If you've lived in a place like this, and I have in the past (for eight years), then you know the smell, and once you enter the hall, you breathe it in and for the rest of the day, you can't get the smell out of your nose. Basically, the smell=death.

Guess who tipped higher? Apartment people. Every single day, this is the trend.

And guess who has helped me carry heavy items from time to time? Women. Over the course of two years, not one man. Always, women.

Because if you know, you know, and you help.

As for material things, I have very little. But every single day, I'm struck by these powerful lessons in humility and giving.

C.A. MacConnell

P.S. Let me just add, I am grateful for any and all work. This was just an observation I've made since 2021...just my experience, and I found it interesting.

Orange, Amber

I tend to befriend the wild, free, rulebreakers. They're often late, unresponsive, or they disappear for stretches of time, but our time together is priceless. I've noticed that I seek it out; I suppose that's because I have a piece of this "distance" inside of me as well. Ha, it is what it is. I love it, though, and I've become accustomed to it. My friend Amber's like that. She's on her way out...of this world anyhow. I visited her last night. We knew each other throughout childhood and then, our friendship circled back later in life. When we came together later, it was as if no time had passed at all. Awesome. Laughing, getting deep, the whole gamut. People like her know how to dig deep, and they know how to play hard. People like her don't hold back. Grinning as I write this.

I love the wild.

C.A. MacConnell

Car Lot

 

Took this while waiting on an oil change. Could be dumb, could be genius. Haha, sometimes a fine line. I'm leaning toward dumb, but I shared it anyway, because there's something I like about it. If I didn't say anything, maybe everyone would think it was genius and deep as all hell. LOL. Always good to laugh at yourself.

Hope you have a good day. 

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Jomo

 

The one in the picture is Jomo. Film shot. Here's a little haiku I wrote about these guys. There's a hidden meaning and story behind it. Hope you have a good day, C.A.

Pineapple

Pineapple!
Harambe, Dinner!
Jomo Wait.

C.A. MacConnell

Silent.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Blackbirds

Blackbirds

Remember, we broke in.
Always, we were breaking.
In basements, your hands
made acrylic faces
come alive; all over
the walls, half-dripping,
they silently hovered,
frozen in looks of red
smiles and pretty holes.

Downtown, sporadic
rain landed on fingertips,
dying there. Weather
sent voices to the strange
trees. Blackbirds sifted
through leaves,
skimming city branches,
winging it through
the muck of dreams.

Flipping one coin
high into the real
trees, you made wings
scatter. The sharp, dark
shapes surrounded us.
Remember the way
they flew -- the blurry
noise, and all at once,
the stunning scream.

C.A. MacConnell

Butterfly Girl

 

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you: if I show up and present my true self -- who I am today -- some people will draw near, and others will fade away. Perhaps a few will gather around. Maybe I'll make a new friend, or I'll learn how to develop a relationship with an old friend. Who knows, maybe the love of my life will greet me on the street. Or I could spend some time alone, resting, recharging, learning how to work through something without an outside influence. It may feel momentarily empty and then, I relax into the space. Just me and the universe.

Whatever the case, I trust that my new self is a crucial part of this world, and I can let it unfold.

C.A. MacConnell

BOOK FIVE.

 

Hi there. I went through a really dark spot last week all the way through this morning. And then, today, I stretched out on the floor, and I meditated, and something came to me with a force. Honestly, it felt like a miracle, and it really turned me around.

See, currently, I'm working on BOOK FIVE, and it will indeed be nonfiction, but I've completely changed course; it's going to be uplifting and fantastic. You see, I had to move through all of the darkness in order to find my way to the light. I won't lie; this journey has really sucked, and I told God today that I'm annoyed, and I'm tired as all hell, but I see the right thing to do now.

A new mission has entered me, and my focus is now this:  forget my former agenda. How can I best help everyone involved? Every single reader. How can I send people love and light? Not some, everyone. And I began to tear apart what I was doing and create something new.

That's just a taste, but I think you'll be quite surprised at the result. Right now, I'm just moving things around and getting everything in order. Shouldn't take me long at all. I move fast once I've decided on something, ha. And I never give up. Truth.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Elephant.

 

Film shot. Hope you have a good day. 
C.A. MacConnell

In this Place.

Good morning. Positive thought for today, for me, for you:  actually, momentarily, I don't have any positive, grand, wise words to share with you, but I do feel open and real...

I feel a great sadness, a dark hole, in my heart -- loneliness, a silent little girl, a silent little girl who turned into a silent woman, the black sheep, the problem. My whole life, I've felt this way, and I've played the part. But slowly, over many years, I've uncovered the sources and old patterns, and I have been (and still am) walking right through the worst of it. Many days, it's no less than horrible. Deep, deep grief -- random and ongoing physical pain. Unpredictable tears, fear, and anger that feels so raw, I wonder if I'll die. Tears that sound almost animalistic.

Why? Not sure I have an answer, because this particular part of my journey began rather unexpectedly, and it rolled out rapidly. It is what it is. Absolutely, there's no going back. Straight through it.

All I know is that I wake up, experience the next surprise feeling, stay the course, go to work, pray my ass off, feel uncomfortable, do the deal, and keep living.

When I look around, there are a select few who are supporting me and drawing nearer to me; those are the ones I'm leaning into, because I know they support this new version of my character, not the old one.

This is a huge change, but I'm learning quickly, and I'm catching glimpses of what comes next:  a new definition of love. Love that includes support, presence, compassion, kindness, laughter, joy, and action. I am afraid of the unknown, but if I find glimpses of this newness, lean into it, I tell myself.

Perhaps I'll meet you in this place.

Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

Seagull

 

Film shot. <3. Maybe I'm not free and flying at the moment, but I imagine sometimes that this is where I'm headed. I suppose that's why I love large birds so much. I've always wanted to fly, to feel that freedom.

I hope that for you as well, in whatever way, shape, or form it rolls in.

Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

Play.

 

Positive thought for today, for me, for you: I'm thinking about the feeling I had when I woke up, read the news, and saw that my school was ON the list. SNOW DAY! Suddenly, my feeling about the entire world shifted.

What if every day was treated with this lightness and excitement?

Get ready for a surprise. It's time to play.

There are many unsettled things in my life, and it's been waking me up at night, and I'm uncomfortable as all hell. But I feel, like others, deep down, I'm simply a child looking for the love of my life. I've always wanted to connect and find my missing piece, like the old Shel Silverstein book. <3 I know "they" say to find it on the inside first, which I suppose is true, but despite my work and digging, despite the practical side of life, I also feel that the true love rests inside the imperfections, the moment, the surprise, and the times of play.

And no book or outside source can ever change the magic of the heart.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell