Uncharted Territory

Sometimes, there's a point in life when I feel this:  hm, this is uncharted territory. Not sure what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what's going to happen. Exactly. From time to time, I've noticed this underlying sense of powerlessness, but it has been stronger in the past few years.

Building up to this, there's usually a mountain of fear that comes along with it. And the fear shows up in various ways. Fear can be so powerful that it can block me from even seeing something incredible, something good -- a gift, an opportunity, and the like. I like to call fear a "thief of happiness."

Many times, in the past, because of this thread of doubt, this wall of anxiety, this fear of the unknown, I chose to stay where I was; that is, I may have changed jobs but then, I'd grab on to a similar job and so, there was really no change. Years back, I may have changed relationships, but then I jumped into a similar relationship -- whether it be with friends, partners, spiritual advisers, or whatever the case. I suppose the fear, and the blockage, was ingrained in me as a way to "protect myself" -- it was old information from my upbringing and experience, and I was unable to break through all of those false messages that I believe chip away at people in general, and they sound like this:  no matter how hard you work, you're not good enough, you're alone, you're defective, your story should be silenced, you're not important, and most of all, you're unlovable. And in my case, and in the case for many people, these messages have surely become darker.

But now, I've noticed that when I come to this point of powerlessness, I'm choosing differently, and I'm not allowing old fears and old "tapes in my head" to rule the game. I'm feeling it. Lord knows I'm feeling it, but I'm going forward anyhow. In this process, I've noticed that everything in my life is changing and shifting, and it's extremely uncomfortable at the moment, but I'm already beginning to see the differences. And I'm starting to hear and believe different suggestions, such as this:  you are talented, be gentle with yourself, you have worked hard, you are beautiful, who cares what people think, be gentle with yourself, your story is important, you deserve to be happy, you are surrounded by people who love you.

I like these new thoughts. Indeed, it is uncharted territory, but it is better. Last night, I noticed that I was hugging a number of different folks -- people I knew, people I barely knew. I felt a new sense of openness and love creeping in, and I wanted to share it.

We need each other, indeed. We are in this together. And regardless of what your mind and body are telling you, remember this:  you, like me, are unique, powerful, important, beautiful, and lovable. 

C.A. MacConnell