Going Forward.

Ironically, "going forward" in life can look awfully strange. There can be a lot of this:  fear, tears, anger, uncertainty, and grief for the old self. One would think that "going forward" would equal an immediate sense of sureness and self-esteem, or one might assume that a person would "look good." For me, when it's a big leap, and numerous changes occur, it's more of a long process of tumultuous feelings, random and unexpected; it's not merely one celebration or event.

Sometimes, I look messy. Days can be strikingly different, one to the next. And there are crucial days when I seem to really feel the pull of the past, and I doubt my moves, and everything in my whole being seems to want to return.

But this feeling -- wanting to return -- gnaws at my whole being because it's familiar. Even though it doesn't work anymore, it's familiar. What's unfamiliar and scary? The new version of myself. But in my heart, I know that's where I really want to go. So, when I push through one of those really tough days, one of those days when I feel the hardest pull to give up, when I move forward anyhow, in spite of the difficulties, pain, confusion, strangeness, and fear of the unknown, that's when I see the true strength of my character.

Because my whole being might feel frozen, but I take a step forward anyhow. And that's huge.

And also, that's a sign of hard, internal work over many years. And when I make this decision to move forward despite the pull of numerous fears, I know I'm winning; that is, I'm letting go of my old self and moving onward and upward, heading toward becoming someone stronger, allowing the change. Some say it in words such as this:  "letting go of my will and moving toward what God wants me to be." There are many ways to describe it, I suppose.

Everything matters in this process -- nature, professional help, group meetings. friends, movement, hugs, compassion, cheerleaders, and sometimes, just patience. Everything matters.

Just yesterday, I had one of those days when my old self was really screaming out, trying to "take me back," so to speak. I felt all of the feelings, but I know the old ways don't work for me anymore. So, I simply felt the feelings, allowed myself some time, and didn't act on it. I'd call that another miracle.

Because I'm moving toward happiness, abundance, kindness, compassion, and love. I am at a critical point in my life. I'm at a place when it would be easy to regress and fall back into old ways, but I'm choosing not to, and it's tough as hell, but I know it'll be worth it if I keep on relying on that deep, inner voice that I consider a large part of what I view as God.

When everything is stripped away (and truly, everything has been stripped away), I can clearly hear that voice, and I grow closer to my spirituality. And when I show up and let people in on who I really am, that draws people closer to me as well. 

This morning, I'm still making a decision to go forward, despite a tough day yesterday. Actually, a tough week. And each time I feel horribly uncomfortable and make such new decisions anyway, I begin to change.

Oftentimes, in the aftermath of hard weeks, days, or moments, when I choose to press on, it feels like I'm sipping in strength.

Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell