Just some thoughts upon waking...
Fear of Goodness
This morning, I was thinking about my fear, and the source of it. For a while now, I thought the fear was about loss, loneliness, trying to support myself, and struggling to figure out ways to strike out on my own...
But I'm learning that it's really not about those things at all. You see, my main fear is this: what if it is something good?
Ironically, what I am most afraid of is goodness. Because, in the past, several times, when I had a moment of great achievement, I had a powerful traumatic event occur at the same time and so, I associate the two. So now, when positive things roll in, as they have been lately, I become terrified, trained to believe it's a trick; it's as if I'm waiting for the "shoe to drop." I'll think things like this: surely, I'm about to lose everything.
Strangely, it terrifies me to accept these things: new opportunities, love without strings, healing, and positive growth. Lately, as I move forward, I continue to feel and experience such changes, and yet a part of the "old me" is still fearful and untrusting...sometimes, it rolls inside of me with a force, but I am able to "catch" it now.
Time to let that fear go, because I want a new me, one that believes that all is good, all is well, and that I deserve good things. Some of us grew up thinking that we were defective, that bad things should naturally come to us, that we deserved punishment, and the like.
But I'm realizing that that was false information, and I'm beginning to allow that thought to settle into my tricky brain, because those fears are no longer a part of the person I am becoming.
Here's to revelations. Here's to allowing success and love into my life. Today will be good, and today will be full of love, because I deserve nothing less.
Welcome to my new space of love. Perhaps you will join me in this new home.
C.A. MacConnell
