Reflection

  

C.A. MacConnell

Hoodie

 

C.A. MacConnell

Presence

Yesterday, I was praying, and I glanced up at the sky -- I'm often looking up, because I'm usually hunting for birds and right then, I saw this striking image of a bird in the clouds, perhaps the Great Thunderbird, who knows. So amazing to me. So clear too. Gave me chills. Lately, I've been feeling closer to my higher power. And it's weird...I've been feeling the presence of others with me too -- my Mimi, my friend Evan, my cat, my bay horse, and others who have passed. Seems like they all want me to feel safe. :)

I suppose I can be dreamy, but lately it feels rather special. Anyway, I thought I'd share the miracle.

Expect a Miracle,

C.A. MacConnell

Free Fall: from Fear to Love

For the past year, I've had a lot of fear. Actually, my whole life, I've had a lot of fear. But lately, the fear has buried its way into my neck and for a while, I've had some pretty bad neck issues. And during this time, I suppose I held onto the fear and tried to control it. My mind focused on my neck, my tooth, a situation at work, a schedule change, my writing life, or any number of different things. I thought that if I could simply fix the neck, all would be OK. Or, if I could fix the teeth, all would be OK, or, if I could land a huge book deal, all would be OK, and on and on, ad infinitum...

But once I temporarily fixed one thing, I'd grab onto another, creating a never-ending train of this:  control, fear, control, fear. And the deeper fears never went away; they just festered and grew.

I've done this my whole life.

And all the time, I watch other people act in similar ways. One man may be truly afraid of his current custody battle and divorce situation, but instead of feeling those feelings, he focuses on overworking. A woman may be nervous about her child's health issues, but instead of grappling with those emotions, she buys ten horses and spends all of her days at the barn. A teenager could be terrified of the change of leaving home for college, but instead of expressing the fear, they drink and eventually drop out.

Look around. All over, people are dodging relationship issues, certain life situations, and random emotions.

I've noticed that when I circle around whatever deeper emotions I may be having, and I grab onto something else, attempting some ridiculous control, the true emotions remain there, unaddressed, unsolved, and they become buried in my body -- my back, my neck, my rapid heart, and the like. Or it can snowball and turn into a panic attack or dark thinking if I really run wild with the "control approach."

For many years, I've been doing a lot of hard work on these notions, and I've been having some breakthroughs. Now I can have really horrific days, and I can even venture into hell territory, but I can pull myself back, and I don't have to head into the rabbit hole of "losing it all," as I may have in the past. I can feel godawful fear, and I may still sink into attempts at control, but I'm aware of my patterns and since I'm aware, the control attempts are lessening. What is emerging is this:  my ability to face the true issues head-on. And sometimes, I am successful right in the moment. Not perfect, but some awesome growth is definitely present.

Here's an example. This morning, I woke up with a swiftly beating heart, and I was scared as all hell. Right away, I regressed and tried to control it. I focused on my tooth, my neck, my work, and I ran through a "body scan," as I sometimes do, searching for a reason for the fear, searching for something wrong with me. And then, all at once, I let all of the control go.

And right now, as I write, I sit here feeling the fear itself, realizing that my attempts at fixing my neck and tooth are not the real fears at all. Fuck no. The real fear is this:  the fear of loving and being loved. Because when we love, or when we accept love, it can be terrifying to many, especially to those who grew up in alcoholic homes. When we truly love, there is no control involved.

To some, like me, the idea of loving can feel like a "free fall," because growing up, healthy examples of love weren't even present. To me, if I defined love as a child, it would include these words only:  abandonment, loss, pain, separation, anxiety, shame, and any other number of negative feelings. And I've carried this view into my adulthood.

As I've spent years digging into these false notions, uncovering my warped sense of love, I've realized that when it comes to real love, real closeness, the possibility of loss and pain have terrified me so much that I've never really allowed myself to fully dig in. And so, I've often kept the world at a distance. And so, deep inside, I have remained perpetually lonely. Why? Because that's an oddly awful, yet familiar, feeling. Because to me, growing up, I was lonely 24/7, and this place of emptiness often enters into me like an old friend; it is as comfortable to me as my favorite pair of skate sneakers. Easily, I can slip right into this lonely, distant role.

And I surround myself with people -- friends, lovers, coworkers, family members -- who keep me trapped there.

But now I'm coming to a place in my life where it feels as if inside me, a switch has gone off, and something is shifting, and the distance is clearing. Now I see that I can change this child heart -- one full of self-loathing, darkness, and fear, because I can create a new sense of love, one that is fresh, positive, and unique, one that is all mine. This idea of change, this altering of perception, hasn't entered into me overnight; the process has taken nearly 23 years of hard work, and I feel that I'm still a baby on the journey.

But I see that the challenge is this -- I can feel the fear, but I can reach out, move through it, and allow myself the chance to be vulnerable.

I believe that God loves me with a kind, gentle heart, one absent of control, because I have...and we all have...free will. And I believe that God wants me to find a way to love others in this way as well. And perhaps within the "free fall" of love, God is there to help me learn how to fly.

So, what's the next step?  Take care of me, so I can take care of others. Simple, the next right thing. Ha, breakfast.

C.A. MacConnell

Jukebox

 

C.A. MacConnell

Well, Look at You

an essay for you today...

Well, Look at You

At the grocery, I was in line at the "robotish self-checkout" and at first, no stations were available. So, I waited in that space that was technically part of the grocery aisle. You know the feeling -- when you stand there, random shoppers try to come through, and usually one or two appear with the "kid car-cart," and they barrel on in, and you're totally in the way. Every time.

Yes, in the way, I scanned the stations. Still nothing open.

But when I looked at the station directly to the right, I saw a short-haired, thin woman slowly checking out, filling up her bags, pressing the buttons on the screen, heading for the credit card machine. Her movements were slow, jerky, slow. And by her side, stretched out on the floor, looking regal, there was a tan, medium-sized, pointy-eared, beautiful service dog. He wore a crimson coat with a tag that read, "Ask to pet me. I'm friendly."

To the dog, I said, "Well, look at you. You're so beautiful."

Then the dog turned his head, staring back at me through incredibly soulful, black eyes, and he rose up. Ever so gently, he began to approach me.

So, I asked the woman, "Can I pet him while he's working?"

She smiled wide and said, "Yes, you can."

The dog came closer, and he rubbed his nose on my leg. Then he looked at me again as if to say, "Go ahead, touch me. But only you."

And I did. I told him I loved him. I could've stayed there all day.

Now, while all of this spiritual dog energy was going on, several checkout stations had become open, and the line was quickly growing behind me, but I didn't care. I was having a moment -- a silent connection with this dog -- and it meant the world to me.

But just then, the woman behind me angrily asked, "Are you going to check out?"

With that, I jumped, rolled my cart forward, and the dog seemed to smile, heading back to his owner's side. I looked back at the line, whispered, "Sorry," and moved to an open station. Indeed, I knew I was caught up. See, the past two days had been rough and for that minute, when I was connecting with the dog, I forgot about my restless mind. I forgot that I was at the grocery. Indeed, I lost all sense of time and place. All that mattered was the innocent creature in front of me...and the love coming from his eyes. He was so incredibly gentle and kind with me.

And I thought, Hey, world, wake up, that is God.

All the way home, I felt the connection stay with me. See, ever since I was little, I had often connected more with animals than with humans. And some particular animals have struck me more than others, just as some people have hit my heart harder than others.

All creatures possess awesome personalities, trials, triumphs, and quirks. And all are so unique. And yet each and every being understands the language of love. Truly, the Spirit of the Universe speaks to me through the eyes of so many creatures.

Well, look at you. You're so beautiful.

C.A. MacConnell

No Crybabies.

 

Heya. Took this photo in Kentucky, when I was inside a tattoo parlor, waiting on getting some ink done. It was some time ago, and I can't remember which one I was getting, but I think it was the hawk on my back...that hurt like hell, I admit, but I was a beast. All of mine are rather old school, all black and white. I like getting animals mostly, and my artist likes doing animals, so it's a win-win. I have a tiger, a lion, a wolf, and a hawk. I also have some other random designs, stars, and the like. In the future, I may get another to cover a scar on my back, not sure. I'm rather attached to the scar at the moment, which is a strange notion, I know. 

I'm not feeling well, and my tooth and neck hurt, and I have to isolate, so it's a quadruple whammy, but I have everything I need at the moment. And as I said, I am a beast. :) <3 

C.A. MacConnell

Ford

 

C.A. MacConnell

Electric

 

Hey there. Here's a cool shot I took down by an airport one day. Pretty rad, I think. :) Ah, lately, I've been overwhelmed. I'd like a vacation. The last time I had a vacation was...let's see...like 2000 I believe. I have gone on some short trips to Virginia, like every two years, but those were just one day in and out, kinda thing. Last time I was in an airplane was around 2005, I think...but that was for a specific purpose, not a real vacation. I dunno, just musing about it. I'd be cool with an at-home vacation too. I'm not too picky, for real. I'm one of those folks who likes to make no plans....some people plan vacations down to the minute. Not me. I like to go w/ the flow and do very little. I'm easily amused, that's for sure. This morning, I was amused by a little boy who was heading for the bus...he had his lunch box, his back pack, his matching outfit, and he looked over at me, waved wildly, and said, "Well, hello ma'am!" Made me smile. A little gentleman, all suited up for the school day and so proud of it too. :)

Daily, I've been working on revisions for Book Five, and it's coming along well...it's around 300 pages at the moment, but there's still a lot I want to add as well. Indeed, it is a memoir. Speaking of which, if you've known me in the past, no worries -- I will change names & features, as well as leave out locations, or I'll be vague. I have no desire to throw anyone else under the bus...I fully intend to just focus on the important aspects of my personal journey and share it in the hopes that it will help others heal. That's the goal, because when I was going through certain situations in the past, I had absolutely no guide, no book to read, and no help at times...I'd like to be that help for another if possible.

In the meantime, make sure to check out my other books...just look right on this page and click on the book cover, and it'll send you to a description and pricing and such. Or, you can see my Amazon Author Page right here.

About to get off work. Just a note to say hello and send you some love.

C.A. MacConnell

Old Friend, Way Out

 

Old Friend

Way Out

Hey there. Two photos I took recently. Very different moods, I know. That's how I roll sometimes, and it can be tricky some days, as it is for all of us...but one thing you'll always get with me -- I'm real, transparent, and honest, whether gritty or cracking up, and I like to convey that in my art as well. I feel that these intricacies bring us together. Hope you dig them. 

Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

Untitled

 

C.A. MacConnell

Hollins University Main Building

I used to sit in these rockers all the time...brought me a sense of peace. This photo was taken w/ film. I've always liked it. Hope you have a good day,
C.A. MacConnell

 

Photo: Workday

 

C.A. MacConnell

Spoon

On your side,
behind me,
you were temperate,
serenely sleeping.
In front of you,
on my side,
I was wintry, twitchy,
bone pale, static,
feeling your hand
at my waist,
feeling your elbow
at my back,
feeling your pulse,
feeling your slight
weight, suddenly
awake.

C.A. MacConnell

Perfect Fit

I’ve lived numerous different lives. Not in any particular order -- I've been a horse trainer, a blogger, a speaker, a yoga teacher, a musician, a music writer, a limousine “go-fer,” a homeless wreck, a drunk, a Catholic school girl, a barista, a shit-shoveler, an editor, a caregiver, a mentor, a nudist, a failed hippie (I hated The Dead and weed), a patient, a novelist, and more. And then there were other times when I was sick or lost, and I felt like I was merely "existing," when I was “in between.” Maybe I called out to hawks, horses, or the Universe for some sense of direction, and the whole world seemed so quiet.

Days became weeks. One morning, I’d put on my horse boots. Another, I’d slip into my yoga pants. Skate shoes? A flannel? Nothing felt right. I’d cut my hair, dye it black or red, or not. Maybe another tattoo, a piercing. Still, the world was weird. Summer bled into autumn, winter, spring, and it all seemed to run together, whether I was clad in shorts, sweatpants, or loose jeans. Around me, others seemed to be wearing suits, aprons, or fluorescent orange, steadily keeping time with focused schedules.

But then, maybe the car died, and after some service and random conversations, I suddenly became the “car dealership worker.” Sooner or later, something always happened. Sometimes, direction didn't appear clearly. Rather, it rolled in messily. But indeed, it rolled in.

But when I think about the moments that I loved the most, achievements don’t spring to mind. I don’t think about winning ribbons at horse shows, but I miss watching the horses canter across the fields. I don't reminisce much about hanging out backstage at rock shows; I think of the joy of the music, and the chance meetings, the times when strangers changed my life forever. And with my books, I cherish the moments when I was lost in creativity, or other times when people approached me and expressed that my words touched them, made them feel an escape, made them able to tune out the world for a time. I’ve always enjoyed getting “lost” in things, and if I can provide that feeling for someone else, cool.

When thinking about my numerous riding students, the kids who stand out are the most "difficult" ones – the girl who couldn’t remember the course, the tiny, talented one who cried every lesson, and all of the troublemakers, yes, who touched my heart. Those were the ones who challenged me, made me alter my teaching, or made me laugh. In 1996, I won a slew of writing awards, but not much later, Seattle street skaters helped me stay alive, when I was nothing but a hopeless case. In 1999, a friend took me strawberry picking when I was so ill, I couldn't even remember how to smile, eat, or blink. He smiled for me. He carried me. And he did all of this while he was sick too.

All in all, it's the small things, and the tricky flaws, that still touch me -- Evan's sharp, black-rimmed glasses; Big Mark, who gave the perfect hug, a trail tree that's shaped like a "4," a long walk with the messy geese and ducks all around, the morning Jerry dropped his plan to put my desk chair together, and yes, the sky. Always, the sky, whether blue or black. The details, the minutes -- one teen’s heavy, blue eye-shadow, the smell of fresh-cut hay – yes, the small stuff is everything.

I've spent a good part of my life seeking the "perfect fit.” But there’s never a perfect fit. Instead, beauty bleeds out from human connections and imperfections. Buried within these moments, there rests a curious thing: love.

C.A. MacConnell

Chicago Fire

 

C.A. MacConnell

Kiss.

 

I came upon this moment when I was in Yellow Springs one day, hiking solo. I've always liked it...just in the right place at the right time I suppose. Hope you have a nice evening. I think I'll get some snacks and watch a movie. Sounds good to me.

Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

Always, There is Light.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Ache

Just a li'l one for you today. Not a prize winner, ha, but I've held on to it just for the feel. Sometimes I think rules and teachings can be put aside, just for the feel. :) Have a good day. Expect a miracle, C.A.

Ache

Man,
I thought my eyes
were 20/20.

What will we
hell-yes-into-the-night-create.

I love these hours
too.

I am home,
polishing silver.

C.A. MacConnell

I've Had Hunches: Reliance vs. Control

As the past few months have been an upheaval for me, naturally, I've been thinking about change. I've always been big on routine, a subject that could be a whole essay in itself, and I delve into it in Book Five, but for now, I'll simply say this:  I'm often obsessed with numbers, cleaning, times, food choices, chairs, and the placement of all things in all environments. For instance, someone could move a paper clip on a desk, and when I walk into the room, that's the first thing I notice. Hm, something is wrong here, I'll think, and then I'll spy the paper clip, as well as the different angle of the stapler on a table, a missing pen, and a number of other oddities. Oh yes, the thoughts can be distracting, especially when I'm trying to focus on work, but they also allow me to see the details in things -- films, photographs, poems, stories, and the world in general. 

And so, I view it as a gift as well.

Anyway, I developed this coping mechanism when I was little, in my attempt to make sense out of my chaotic world, one that offered little direction in terms of life skills and managing change. I've done a lot of work on control issues, but when stress erupts, the old behaviors creep out, and instead of serving as a positive force, my repetitive notions can let loose and take a hold of me, becoming somewhat difficult to manage. I may obsess about my face, my age, my body, my teeth, and the like, and then it evolves into a whole rabbit hole of negativity.

But what's behind it all? The feeling of a need for control.

When I think about it, I suppose we all do this in certain ways. Some people try to control the universe by repetitively washing their cars, or working out, or obsessing about a career so much that the other aspects of their lives suffer. Others may adopt ten dogs, buy lottery tickets, delve into the land of constant doctor visits, or any number of other "control" choices.

Although my reaction may veer into the more extreme, it seems that I'm not unique here.

But in reality, none of us ever have control over any events, and all of these coping mechanisms are simply absurd. Because one day, when a little girl was walking to the bus, a piece of ice fell from a tree just the right way that it took her life. Another day, a strange storm brewed, and a boat capsized; the three men survived, but their lives were altered forever. After a fluke hit, a football player suffered cardiac arrest. In a random coffee shop, a scout spied a customer, tugged her shirt, and in a month, the unknown girl became a movie star. I went to Hollins University because I thought I wanted to ride horses, but I ended up diving into the writing program instead. 

The ultimate truth -- none of us truly know what the future may bring.

But herein lies something even more complex. You see, although I can't predict the future, I've had hunches.

On many walks, my gut has "spoken" to me, telling me to head a certain direction. Recently, I listened, and I saw an eagle. Such things have occurred for me numerous times, and I've both avoided danger and come upon beauty. Before I even applied to schools, I had visions of the Virginia mountains. Certain days, I've had a notion that something was wrong with a friend and seemingly out of nowhere, the person's image popped into my head, and within a day or two, I've randomly run into the person. 

Although I'm not a fortune teller, and I don't have actual control over the future, I do believe that my higher power is leading me when I pay attention. And with all of these changes going on, the fear has pushed me into leaning on my higher power even more. Fear alone can be a great catalyst, a motivator, a lovely force, when I turn it into reliance upon something greater.

Maybe today, I may regress here and there, grabbing onto some rather comical control mechanisms, but I'm also aware, and I'll allow myself to dream a bit, listen to my higher power, and know that regardless of my human limitations, my life, right here, right now, is sacred, and since I am here, still breathing, after all of my scrapes with trauma, I know that there's a reason, and every moment, something out there is pulling for you and me.

Thank you for my gifts, God. Thank you for my weirdness, because it is wonderful.

Rest assured; whether we know it or not, when led by our hearts, in the end, we're all heading toward some form of peace.

C.A. MacConnell