As the past few months have been an upheaval for me, naturally, I've been thinking about change. I've always been big on routine, a subject that could be a whole essay in itself, and I delve into it in Book Five, but for now, I'll simply say this: I'm often obsessed with numbers, cleaning, times, food choices, chairs, and the placement of all things in all environments. For instance, someone could move a paper clip on a desk, and when I walk into the room, that's the first thing I notice. Hm, something is wrong here, I'll think, and then I'll spy the paper clip, as well as the different angle of the stapler on a table, a missing pen, and a number of other oddities. Oh yes, the thoughts can be distracting, especially when I'm trying to focus on work, but they also allow me to see the details in things -- films, photographs, poems, stories, and the world in general.
And so, I view it as a gift as well.
Anyway, I developed this coping mechanism when I was little, in my attempt to make sense out of my chaotic world, one that offered little direction in terms of life skills and managing change. I've done a lot of work on control issues, but when stress erupts, the old behaviors creep out, and instead of serving as a positive force, my repetitive notions can let loose and take a hold of me, becoming somewhat difficult to manage. I may obsess about my face, my age, my body, my teeth, and the like, and then it evolves into a whole rabbit hole of negativity.
But what's behind it all? The feeling of a need for control.
When I think about it, I suppose we all do this in certain ways. Some people try to control the universe by repetitively washing their cars, or working out, or obsessing about a career so much that the other aspects of their lives suffer. Others may adopt ten dogs, buy lottery tickets, delve into the land of constant doctor visits, or any number of other "control" choices.
Although my reaction may veer into the more extreme, it seems that I'm not unique here.
But in reality, none of us ever have control over any events, and all of these coping mechanisms are simply absurd. Because one day, when a little girl was walking to the bus, a piece of ice fell from a tree just the right way that it took her life. Another day, a strange storm brewed, and a boat capsized; the three men survived, but their lives were altered forever. After a fluke hit, a football player suffered cardiac arrest. In a random coffee shop, a scout spied a customer, tugged her shirt, and in a month, the unknown girl became a movie star. I went to Hollins University because I thought I wanted to ride horses, but I ended up diving into the writing program instead.
The ultimate truth -- none of us truly know what the future may bring.
But herein lies something even more complex. You see, although I can't predict the future, I've had hunches.
On many walks, my gut has "spoken" to me, telling me to head a certain direction. Recently, I listened, and I saw an eagle. Such things have occurred for me numerous times, and I've both avoided danger and come upon beauty. Before I even applied to schools, I had visions of the Virginia mountains. Certain days, I've had a notion that something was wrong with a friend and seemingly out of nowhere, the person's image popped into my head, and within a day or two, I've randomly run into the person.
Although I'm not a fortune teller, and I don't have actual control over the future, I do believe that my higher power is leading me when I pay attention. And with all of these changes going on, the fear has pushed me into leaning on my higher power even more. Fear alone can be a great catalyst, a motivator, a lovely force, when I turn it into reliance upon something greater.
Maybe today, I may regress here and there, grabbing onto some rather comical control mechanisms, but I'm also aware, and I'll allow myself to dream a bit, listen to my higher power, and know that regardless of my human limitations, my life, right here, right now, is sacred, and since I am here, still breathing, after all of my scrapes with trauma, I know that there's a reason, and every moment, something out there is pulling for you and me.
Thank you for my gifts, God. Thank you for my weirdness, because it is wonderful.
Rest assured; whether we know it or not, when led by our hearts, in the end, we're all heading toward some form of peace.
C.A. MacConnell
