Secretly, inside random churches, I've been playing awesome grand pianos and also, I've been banging around on untuned, ancient, broken pianos, writing some new songs. While I'm waiting on news about my nonfiction, I've been creating new fiction. Much of my next book is rolling around in my head, but some of it is already written; my books always begin this way. I've been taking photos, seeing the beauty in all of the little things.
I create nonstop, the same way that I always have, as far back as I can remember. I've never been one to "take breaks." Simply, creating is a part of my life, a part of who I am, and I just roll with it, whether the final product is dark, humorous, uplifting, spiritual, hilarious, gritty, or light. And every time I create something new, whether it be photos or songs or writing, no matter my age, I feel like a child again.
What a journey.
And creating is an enormous part of my personal growth.
A recent upheaval of change pushed me into riding a wave of feelings but now, when joy rolls in, it's a new kind of joy...so calm...a new, lasting peace, a new kind of happy, a feeling that's settling in as the result of hard, internal work. It's taken a warrior-like amount of intensity, faith, and trust; I've learned to practice long term patience, make difficult decisions, persist through primal feelings (tumultuous rage, loss, and fear), maintain a place of humility, sit with enduring physical pain, live in the moment, consistently pray away fear, pursue decades of continuing professional help, and listen to the strong support of spiritual advisers, among many, many other things. Many days, the feelings were so fierce, the goal was to simply stay sober and stay alive. And that in itself, friends, can be a lofty goal.
I always say, "I've never been perfect at this mess we call 'life,' but one thing I'm good at is this: I keep trying."
Trying.
Trying is everything.
Yesterday, a woman, a stranger, told me I was beautiful. Looking into her eyes, I could tell that she meant that she was connecting with my spirit, and I drank in that complement, because our bodies, faces, fingers, and toes are merely a shell of who we are; it's all about the heart. And when it comes to my heart, I believe that my journey is one that's leading me into connection -- how to better love and be loved. And if, in the process, that creates some kind of beauty, well, then I consider it a "big win." Because now she's not a stranger. Now she's a new friend.
And so, what's next? I am not concerned about that. Right here, right now, I feel whole, and that is something. Truly, that is a miracle.
Of course, when I'm done writing to you, I suppose I'll decide on some breakfast, brush my teeth, wash my face, and get ready for the day. And if I have moments of doubt, if I fall back into old thinking, if all things again turn overwhelming, I have learned that perhaps the answer is simply this: do something small and above all else, never give up.
My experience has shown me that tiny, right actions add up, creating ridiculous, awesome miracles.
Love to you.
C.A. MacConnell
