Often, when I have down time, I catch myself slipping into bouts of anxiety. My mind jumps from physical worries to financial worries. If I let it fester, I usually start feeling alone, worried that I don't have support, and the like. I may worry what others think of me but oftentimes, lately, I tend to worry about "my place in life." I think things such as, What am I doing wrong? What do I need to change? What's wrong with me? What can I fix? What the hell...I have no idea what I'm doing. That girl just called me for help, because she said, 'I respect you, because you have a lot of sobriety,' and I have no idea what I'm doing. Why did she call me? Who can I call? Holy shit, I'm a mess. Sometimes, I admit, it gets darker when I really get on a roll. Aye, dark as fuck.
But I am not a mess at all. In fact, I'm more solid than I've ever been, when I really take a look at things. Sometimes, I need others to remind me of that -- a therapist, a sponsor, a close friend. Sometimes, I need a cheerleader to set my mind into right thinking, to realize how much hard work I've done and how much I've grown. And then, I again begin to feel strong, powerful, wise, and unique. Right on. I am back. I am a warrior again, and I am reminded that my story is an amazing one. Life turns back to precious, because according to statistics, I certainly shouldn't be here.
But longtime sober or not, whether battling addictions or not, we're all in a place of recovery...whether it be about family issues or health issues or trauma or whatnot. Seems to me, if I sit down with any person on this planet and ask he/she/they what's really going on, I'd be surprised to know the truth, the complications, the trials, the blessings, and the pains of the person. Seems to me, we all feel like a mess much of the time. Many times, people just aren't talking about it. Or they're posting images on social media that tell half-truths. Hell yeah, I've done that. These days, most people do.
We just never know the depth of what may linger behind a person's outside appearance.
Anyway, just now, after I allowed myself some time to ruminate and feel the fear, I said this to myself: What if, what if, you just assumed it was all going to be OK? What if you just assumed it would all work out? What if you just let it unfold?
All at once, I felt a powerful sense of relief. I felt a striking release of fear, and I knew in my heart that we're all doing the best we can, and I put it all in God's hands -- my money, my pains, my work life, my writing, my desire for the one I love. I gave it all away. And I sit here now, writing to you, feeling a sense of hope and peace, knowing that everything is all good, all right. All is coming.
We all have a place here, and it's not up to me to decide what another person's role should or shouldn't be. Honestly, it's none of my business at all. And even deeper, it's not even up to me to decide what my role should be, because there's something greater out there pulling for me, for you.
Be at peace with yourself. Let it unfold. If it is time to act, act. If it is time to wait, wait. Grab that dream. Marry your true love. Take a risk and travel to Cancun. Sit at home and watch Netflix. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Be pissed off. Laugh your ass off. Take a nap. Eat cookies. Whatever it is, do it. Do you. But be your authentic self, because that's why we are all here...to play a part in a bigger design.
If we all do what's right for us, it bleeds out beauty, care, love, and healing. And when we come from this place of making decisions that are true and right for our higher selves, things eventually...simply...work out.
Years ago, I attended a self-help seminar that taught me this: I love you, I accept you, even though I don't understand you. I always remember that saying, because I know that I can never truly understand another person's insides.
But all in all, in my experience, I've found that if I put love and compassion at the forefront, I am doing great work.
So, allow yourself some time to feel the fear and feel like a mess, but then circle back and release it, because fear is bullshit. Honor the feeling, but know that everyone feels like a mess, and right here, right now, know that you deserve all that's good.
Yes, you deserve it. Demand peace.
C.A. MacConnell
