Onward and Upward
When I did some digging on thought patterns, I discovered the following: some experts say that we have 50,000-70,000 thoughts per day. Others claim as many as 100,000. Any way you look at it, that's a big number...which brings up some questions...
How many of these thoughts are positive?
How many are negative?
How many are true, false, or uncertain?
How many are just absolutely unnecessary?
And most importantly, if I'm needlessly ruminating, what is this telling me?
A lot, actually.
Like many, I often fight against extreme anxiety -- compulsive, negative thinking -- and when I become more conscious of the thoughts, and I focus on them, it can be damn uncomfortable. Awareness makes it even more interesting, because then I can even become anxious that I’m anxious, or afraid that I’m afraid, or I can perhaps doubt the joy when it rolls in, and then it snowballs, and I'm faced with any number of different, strange thought patterns -- the worst-case scenario, dark thinking, here we come, all aboard! I suppose that I've been chiseling away at it one level at a time and for sure, I have battled rumination and obsessive thinking my whole life. Sometimes, I still find myself in the trap, but now I can see what amps it up...
Oftentimes, obsessive thinking rolls in when I'm bored or when I feel stuck in a situation that seems like a trap.
For instance, I've felt stuck in a certain family dynamic scenarios. I've felt trapped in work environments that are sedentary, don't interest me, or ones that lack challenge. And then there were many seemingly forced relationships -- no magic, no movement. I may know that a situation isn't right for me from the get-go, but I stay there because I lean too much on others' opinions, advice, or concerns.
In these "stuck" places, my thoughts often run wild. My mind's telling me this: something's wrong here. Make a change. Listen to your heart.
But there is always another side to obsessive thinking, one where I feel freer. As Shakespeare wrote, To thine own self be true. And if I pay attention to my body/mind/spirit reaction to the outside world, and I trust the process, I can move on, make changes, and grow onward and upward.
Guess what, regardless of what other people think, none of my thoughts or current life situations have to be keepers. And I can change my route, and my thoughts, and turn them into something beautiful. And what comes next: the anxious thoughts subside, slowly evolving into that elusive little creature we call serenity.
I don't need outside approval. I can trust my heart.
C.A. MacConnell
