Bridge , Chicago.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Sisters

 

C.A. MacConnell

Snail

 

Here's a little guy, just going about his day. I did pick him up and move him to the grass. :) Hope you have a good day! Love,

C.A. MacConnell

Carousel.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Good Morning.

 

This is one of my favorites. So simple, but it gives a feel...I love those. Can't find that in a class, and I'm glad, because I'm rather enjoying exploring photography with no rules. :) Just me I guess, ha. I haven't been following the rules lately, and it feels great.

C.A. MacConnell

Beach

 

Nikon, film.

C.A. MacConnell

Tongue

 

C.A. MacConnell

You were hand-woven by spiders.

Good evening. I'm feeling creative tonight. I'm always feeling creative. I get in trouble all the time. I've never had writer's block. I just keep going and going, whether or not anyone's around, haha. Comes in handy with writing at least. Did not come in handy during my "I think I'm Picasso" era. Let me tell you, I am the worst painter and drawer on the planet, probably in the history of the universe. Ha. Hope you like the piece. The first line is the title in this one.

You were hand-woven by spiders.

The night we met, light
came through
your sun,
your iris.
Swimming straight out of
the bayou,
you shone.
Back then,
you wore the perfect shade –
a faded sweater,
a home-threaded,
shy cut, an original
number – made of only the finest
Spanish moss.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo.

Good morning. Love,
C.A. MacConnell

Once Raced Champions

An ancient saddle sitting around at a barn where I rode for a short while. I was curious about the story behind it, because it appeared to be a racing saddle, and the barn was a hunter/jumper one, so it stuck out. Also, the tree was coming apart so much that the stitching was visible, which meant it was well-used at one time as well...used in rain and such, all kinds of weather. If it was just sitting in a barn, it wouldn't simply come apart like that unless it was incredibly old. Wondered if it was left behind by someone who owned the farm before -- perhaps it was a racing farm at one time. Not sure. In any event, someone put some long hours riding in this saddle, and when I took the shot, I felt the strange historical presence. 

Kind of wondered if it was some magnificent, champion jockey's saddle tucked away, leaving a mark, and no one was aware of how special it was.

C.A. MacConnell

Take Me.

 

Good morning. I've always liked simple tree shots. They're so subtly expressive to me. Just my thing. Perhaps boring to some -- not shots of skydiving or lions roaring, but I like the simpler photos. With people too...rather than vast landscapes and such, I love photographers who capture a subtle expression. I enjoy seeing that in film too...the background hidden images or close-ups. I like to look close. It's fun. :)

C.A. MacConnell

Girl at Park.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Love.

 

Good morning. We all have bad days, eh? Remember to love yourself...everything always changes! Never give up. :) <3

C.A. MacConnell

Rooster

 

A while back, I had a barista job and sometimes, I walked to work. This little fellow used to talk to me when I passed by him; he was quite friendly and extroverted. In the next yard, there was a devilish chihuahua who jumped wildly behind his fence and acted like he wanted to kill me every day. On the other side, each morning, on top of a wall, there sat an enormous German Shepherd, and I always waved and talked to him, and he never bothered me, but one day, I watched him leap down off the wall and attack a man. :0 Took a chunk out of his leg I believe. In spite of that vision, I must say, I still walk close to the dog's wall. I just did today. I'd like to say I'm courageous, and I suppose I am in some instances, but I'm also ultra-stubborn when it comes to my routine.

C.A. MacConnell

Onward and Upward

Onward and Upward

When I did some digging on thought patterns, I discovered the following:  some experts say that we have 50,000-70,000 thoughts per day. Others claim as many as 100,000. Any way you look at it, that's a big number...which brings up some questions...

How many of these thoughts are positive?

How many are negative?

How many are true, false, or uncertain?

How many are just absolutely unnecessary?

And most importantly, if I'm needlessly ruminating, what is this telling me? 

A lot, actually.

Like many, I often fight against extreme anxiety -- compulsive, negative thinking -- and when I become more conscious of the thoughts, and I focus on them, it can be damn uncomfortable. Awareness makes it even more interesting, because then I can even become anxious that I’m anxious, or afraid that I’m afraid, or I can perhaps doubt the joy when it rolls in, and then it snowballs, and I'm faced with any number of different, strange thought patterns -- the worst-case scenario, dark thinking, here we come, all aboard! I suppose that I've been chiseling away at it one level at a time and for sure, I have battled rumination and obsessive thinking my whole life. Sometimes, I still find myself in the trap, but now I can see what amps it up...

Oftentimes, obsessive thinking rolls in when I'm bored or when I feel stuck in a situation that seems like a trap.

For instance, I've felt stuck in a certain family dynamic scenarios. I've felt trapped in work environments that are sedentary, don't interest me, or ones that lack challenge. And then there were many seemingly forced relationships -- no magic, no movement. I may know that a situation isn't right for me from the get-go, but I stay there because I lean too much on others' opinions, advice, or concerns. 

In these "stuck" places, my thoughts often run wild. My mind's telling me this:  something's wrong here. Make a change. Listen to your heart.

But there is always another side to obsessive thinking, one where I feel freer. As Shakespeare wrote, To thine own self be true. And if I pay attention to my body/mind/spirit reaction to the outside world, and I trust the process, I can move on, make changes, and grow onward and upward.

Guess what, regardless of what other people think, none of my thoughts or current life situations have to be keepers. And I can change my route, and my thoughts, and turn them into something beautiful. And what comes next:  the anxious thoughts subside, slowly evolving into that elusive little creature we call serenity.

I don't need outside approval. I can trust my heart.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Preview

Good morning. Looking forward to getting these chores done so I can relax. I'm bad at resting and relaxing. Remember to be compassionate toward yourself and others today. I know I'm doing the best I can. I'm sure you are as well. In this life, with its ups and downs, we all need a cheerleader! I'd like Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri from the old SNL skits to be my cheerleaders, hahaha, genius. I hope that you find whatever fills your heart deeply. I hope that I do as well, so that I can share it with you. Love to you, C.A.

<3 Here's a tiny little poem I just created right now. :)

Preview

For a split
second,
you licked
my collarbone.

C.A. MacConnell

Here We Are.

 

Good morning. Here's a bright photo to brighten your day. Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

From the Petal

Good morning. This one's from the point of view of the petal...

From the Petal

Two years gone from the vine.
I hear that
Mom once lived at the flower shop, but
I’m violet.
I’ve never seen any familiar
Rose.

Soon.

I’m stuck to the stranger's sock
Sole,
A purple bruise
On the foot.
I hold the job of the
Strange. Fat. Flat. Ugly. Joke.

Peel me
Off.

Remember Robin.
Maybe he never sang so.

That
One

Landed --

I loved him.

Pretty wing,
Pretty

Much everything.
Wind, bring him back
Here.

As honest a torn leaf
As they come,
I’m fitting in
Nowhere,
And let it be

Known --

On the sidewalk,
I’m terrifying to the

Rest.

Little girls
Spy the red ones.
Little girls
Collect the others in
Buckets.

-- C.A. MacConnell

Hoping

 

C.A. MacConnell

Photo, and a Note. :)

Good morning. I've been doing heavy revisions on Book Five, and I've been sleeping a lot. It's taking a lot out of me. Some people say...why are you doing this, if it's that difficult, if it makes you feel so many strong emotions? Well, I've felt the gamut of strong emotions in my lifetime, and I've barreled through those, and I suppose, deep down, this feels like what my higher power wants me to do.

The next right thing, so they say.

It's a strange process indeed. Mostly because, with this one particularly, the process is a completely internally driven one. So, here I am, trying. The only thing pushing this forward is the god inside of me. I did get a small grant, but it was tiny, so I have no real financial support for it either, so I'm attempting to work full time as well as finish this book, which would make anyone sleep a lot, ha. Trust me, it's a lot to take on.

But none of this is stopping me. Why? I feel like I have a story to tell. And I feel like it could change lives in the future, and I feel like that is more important than the difficult aspects of the process. And so, I take the risk, a huge internal risk, an investment in the betterment of myself, and an investment in others who have experienced similar struggles. Even if it never gets published, I feel that it will change me forever and brighten my life. And if it does that, then I can brighten the lives of those around me. And so, I barrel through it, driven by one thing:  hope.

I suppose I could be all wrong about this mission, ha. And I'm sure if that's the case, then I'll learn that as well. Maybe it's just for me. Maybe it's simply necessary heavy-duty journaling, and I'll save it for me, who knows, but I keep rolling with it, and it'll be done soon.

If you haven't seen me around, that's why. I miss you, and I love you, and I can't wait to see you again, although I may be new to you.
C.A. MacConnell

See the Light.

 

I've been down the past few days, and I came across this photo...made me smile. Hopefully, it'll do the same for you.

Love,
C.A. MacConnell

The Reach

With his careful tools, one lonely man
carved a perfect, nude, stone sculpture.

A single woman penned a lofty book,
one about a shy, misunderstood

monster, a recluse who was half
machine. Others wrote elusive,
naked songs and poems. Nomads

poured out bibles and speeches.
Soliloquies. Today, each moment,

the world still cracks, falling in love
with Marilyn Monroe. And here I am,

digging into the stream, trying
to express what lies inside,
but like the rest, I'll never quite

reach. I'm sure you already know.

C.A. MacConnell

Tiny Flame

Tiny Flame

Good morning! Early riser here. My heart feels fierce, and I'm feeling rather open and vulnerable upon waking. Willing to see what my higher power has in store. I have a new higher power, one with a gentle, kind, huge heart. As the cliche goes, I've just been trying to do the next right thing and keep it simple.

I'll let the rest unfold.

Looking forward to what comes next.

Love,

C.A. MacConnell

Open House

I've always thought of this as a song. I love the rhythm of it...if you want a look inside my tricky brain -- here I purposely use some harsh words, but sometimes, the rhythm still holds the piece in a gentle place, so it's tricky, back and forth, when it comes to the overall feel. :) I like the strange feel of it. Hope you have a good day. Love, C.A.

Open House

I think you would
like this place.

Shower water turns cold to shock.
Think short, kid fingers
burning in the snow.

I slip into my blue jacket.
I lace up my combat boots.

Outside, some windows slide open,
and the rest resting slam
shut. Somewhere, sweat

darkens a neck. Others
surely shiver home, straight

into the vein. Scattered in the square,
sleeping on benches,
tattooed girls cross and uncross,

pulling at wide-stretched
ears, twitching and laughing

near lonely, old men. Late skater boys
fuck, snake, paint, relate.
One of them, the smallest,

a half-finished painting…
well, he looks like you –

gaunt and buried within a yellowish glow
of lamp. I want to walk
with you. I want to step

on the heels of your shoes.
Alone feels right in this artist

light. Muted, a heavy makeup, it hides
the deepest flaws.
A splinter breaks free.

Now it’s caught in my curls,
and love is the man

who finally pries it loose. Well, now I am
almost inside. I feel almost
pretty. I think you would

like this place.

C.A. MacConnell

Bloodlines

The octopus
has three

hearts
and nine

brains.
A blue whale's

heart weighs
1,500 pounds.

Female
killer whales

experience
menopause.

Orangutans
are ticklish.

In a herd,
nearly the last

eight wild
prairie horses

graze slowly,
never

a race.
The old

stallion
rears up,

one fellow
showing

his ribs.

-- C.A. MacConnell

Reflection

  

C.A. MacConnell

Hoodie

 

C.A. MacConnell

Presence

Yesterday, I was praying, and I glanced up at the sky -- I'm often looking up, because I'm usually hunting for birds and right then, I saw this striking image of a bird in the clouds, perhaps the Great Thunderbird, who knows. So amazing to me. So clear too. Gave me chills. Lately, I've been feeling closer to my higher power. And it's weird...I've been feeling the presence of others with me too -- my Mimi, my friend Evan, my cat, my bay horse, and others who have passed. Seems like they all want me to feel safe. :)

I suppose I can be dreamy, but lately it feels rather special. Anyway, I thought I'd share the miracle.

Expect a Miracle,

C.A. MacConnell

Free Fall: from Fear to Love

For the past year, I've had a lot of fear. Actually, my whole life, I've had a lot of fear. But lately, the fear has buried its way into my neck and for a while, I've had some pretty bad neck issues. And during this time, I suppose I held onto the fear and tried to control it. My mind focused on my neck, my tooth, a situation at work, a schedule change, my writing life, or any number of different things. I thought that if I could simply fix the neck, all would be OK. Or, if I could fix the teeth, all would be OK, or, if I could land a huge book deal, all would be OK, and on and on, ad infinitum...

But once I temporarily fixed one thing, I'd grab onto another, creating a never-ending train of this:  control, fear, control, fear. And the deeper fears never went away; they just festered and grew.

I've done this my whole life.

And all the time, I watch other people act in similar ways. One man may be truly afraid of his current custody battle and divorce situation, but instead of feeling those feelings, he focuses on overworking. A woman may be nervous about her child's health issues, but instead of grappling with those emotions, she buys ten horses and spends all of her days at the barn. A teenager could be terrified of the change of leaving home for college, but instead of expressing the fear, they drink and eventually drop out.

Look around. All over, people are dodging relationship issues, certain life situations, and random emotions.

I've noticed that when I circle around whatever deeper emotions I may be having, and I grab onto something else, attempting some ridiculous control, the true emotions remain there, unaddressed, unsolved, and they become buried in my body -- my back, my neck, my rapid heart, and the like. Or it can snowball and turn into a panic attack or dark thinking if I really run wild with the "control approach."

For many years, I've been doing a lot of hard work on these notions, and I've been having some breakthroughs. Now I can have really horrific days, and I can even venture into hell territory, but I can pull myself back, and I don't have to head into the rabbit hole of "losing it all," as I may have in the past. I can feel godawful fear, and I may still sink into attempts at control, but I'm aware of my patterns and since I'm aware, the control attempts are lessening. What is emerging is this:  my ability to face the true issues head-on. And sometimes, I am successful right in the moment. Not perfect, but some awesome growth is definitely present.

Here's an example. This morning, I woke up with a swiftly beating heart, and I was scared as all hell. Right away, I regressed and tried to control it. I focused on my tooth, my neck, my work, and I ran through a "body scan," as I sometimes do, searching for a reason for the fear, searching for something wrong with me. And then, all at once, I let all of the control go.

And right now, as I write, I sit here feeling the fear itself, realizing that my attempts at fixing my neck and tooth are not the real fears at all. Fuck no. The real fear is this:  the fear of loving and being loved. Because when we love, or when we accept love, it can be terrifying to many, especially to those who grew up in alcoholic homes. When we truly love, there is no control involved.

To some, like me, the idea of loving can feel like a "free fall," because growing up, healthy examples of love weren't even present. To me, if I defined love as a child, it would include these words only:  abandonment, loss, pain, separation, anxiety, shame, and any other number of negative feelings. And I've carried this view into my adulthood.

As I've spent years digging into these false notions, uncovering my warped sense of love, I've realized that when it comes to real love, real closeness, the possibility of loss and pain have terrified me so much that I've never really allowed myself to fully dig in. And so, I've often kept the world at a distance. And so, deep inside, I have remained perpetually lonely. Why? Because that's an oddly awful, yet familiar, feeling. Because to me, growing up, I was lonely 24/7, and this place of emptiness often enters into me like an old friend; it is as comfortable to me as my favorite pair of skate sneakers. Easily, I can slip right into this lonely, distant role.

And I surround myself with people -- friends, lovers, coworkers, family members -- who keep me trapped there.

But now I'm coming to a place in my life where it feels as if inside me, a switch has gone off, and something is shifting, and the distance is clearing. Now I see that I can change this child heart -- one full of self-loathing, darkness, and fear, because I can create a new sense of love, one that is fresh, positive, and unique, one that is all mine. This idea of change, this altering of perception, hasn't entered into me overnight; the process has taken nearly 23 years of hard work, and I feel that I'm still a baby on the journey.

But I see that the challenge is this -- I can feel the fear, but I can reach out, move through it, and allow myself the chance to be vulnerable.

I believe that God loves me with a kind, gentle heart, one absent of control, because I have...and we all have...free will. And I believe that God wants me to find a way to love others in this way as well. And perhaps within the "free fall" of love, God is there to help me learn how to fly.

So, what's the next step?  Take care of me, so I can take care of others. Simple, the next right thing. Ha, breakfast.

C.A. MacConnell

Jukebox

 

C.A. MacConnell

Well, Look at You

an essay for you today...

Well, Look at You

At the grocery, I was in line at the "robotish self-checkout" and at first, no stations were available. So, I waited in that space that was technically part of the grocery aisle. You know the feeling -- when you stand there, random shoppers try to come through, and usually one or two appear with the "kid car-cart," and they barrel on in, and you're totally in the way. Every time.

Yes, in the way, I scanned the stations. Still nothing open.

But when I looked at the station directly to the right, I saw a short-haired, thin woman slowly checking out, filling up her bags, pressing the buttons on the screen, heading for the credit card machine. Her movements were slow, jerky, slow. And by her side, stretched out on the floor, looking regal, there was a tan, medium-sized, pointy-eared, beautiful service dog. He wore a crimson coat with a tag that read, "Ask to pet me. I'm friendly."

To the dog, I said, "Well, look at you. You're so beautiful."

Then the dog turned his head, staring back at me through incredibly soulful, black eyes, and he rose up. Ever so gently, he began to approach me.

So, I asked the woman, "Can I pet him while he's working?"

She smiled wide and said, "Yes, you can."

The dog came closer, and he rubbed his nose on my leg. Then he looked at me again as if to say, "Go ahead, touch me. But only you."

And I did. I told him I loved him. I could've stayed there all day.

Now, while all of this spiritual dog energy was going on, several checkout stations had become open, and the line was quickly growing behind me, but I didn't care. I was having a moment -- a silent connection with this dog -- and it meant the world to me.

But just then, the woman behind me angrily asked, "Are you going to check out?"

With that, I jumped, rolled my cart forward, and the dog seemed to smile, heading back to his owner's side. I looked back at the line, whispered, "Sorry," and moved to an open station. Indeed, I knew I was caught up. See, the past two days had been rough and for that minute, when I was connecting with the dog, I forgot about my restless mind. I forgot that I was at the grocery. Indeed, I lost all sense of time and place. All that mattered was the innocent creature in front of me...and the love coming from his eyes. He was so incredibly gentle and kind with me.

And I thought, Hey, world, wake up, that is God.

All the way home, I felt the connection stay with me. See, ever since I was little, I had often connected more with animals than with humans. And some particular animals have struck me more than others, just as some people have hit my heart harder than others.

All creatures possess awesome personalities, trials, triumphs, and quirks. And all are so unique. And yet each and every being understands the language of love. Truly, the Spirit of the Universe speaks to me through the eyes of so many creatures.

Well, look at you. You're so beautiful.

C.A. MacConnell

No Crybabies.

 

Heya. Took this photo in Kentucky, when I was inside a tattoo parlor, waiting on getting some ink done. It was some time ago, and I can't remember which one I was getting, but I think it was the hawk on my back...that hurt like hell, I admit, but I was a beast. All of mine are rather old school, all black and white. I like getting animals mostly, and my artist likes doing animals, so it's a win-win. I have a tiger, a lion, a wolf, and a hawk. I also have some other random designs, stars, and the like. In the future, I may get another to cover a scar on my back, not sure. I'm rather attached to the scar at the moment, which is a strange notion, I know. 

I'm not feeling well, and my tooth and neck hurt, and I have to isolate, so it's a quadruple whammy, but I have everything I need at the moment. And as I said, I am a beast. :) <3 

C.A. MacConnell