For the past...I dunno...four months at least, it's been a tale of this: "things not working out." Loss of my job for reasons beyond my control, loss of relationships, a great amount of money stress, a gazillion resumes sent out, numerous interviews, and then, I started (and ended) three jobs in three months, maybe four...I've lost count. I haven't written a damn thing worth reading. Nothing has worked out. I'm not seeking perfection. See, one job, I had to leave because it was a delivery position, and the merch was just too heavy for me. Another didn't have hours. One was a three a.m. wake-up, which would be hard for anyone, but even harder for someone with sleep issues. One woman let me go for being "overqualified," even though I loved it. Very strange. Things like that.
One after another after another...nope, not right, not working out. And with it all...sleepwalking, dizziness, blurred vision, intense anxiety, and then some.
Yes, this morning, I'm feeling defeated, but on the other hand, I slept rather well last night, and I'm thinking about all of the things that I've learned over this rocky period of time -- how to have several, different, difficult, honest conversations, how to act with integrity no matter what, how to leave when it's not right for me, how to take care of myself, how to pay attention to my gut, and how to deal with endings in person, with strength of character. Mainly, the lessons have been about relationships in general, many concerning managers and owners -- how to face difficult conversations with my head held high, but with the utmost respect. It can be tricky, but I did it all with class.
There have been a lot of lessons in a short period of time. Really, it's kind of making my head spin. On one hand, I feel rather lost, but on the other hand, I feel strong and true, that through this whole experience, I know in my heart, without a doubt, that I have made the right decisions, that I have acted with kindness and professionalism, with a little added muscle, and that makes me feel, in the end, closer to my higher power.
I'm not sure what's next, but I know whatever comes, I will come to it armed with a whole world of new learning and more strength of character.
So this whole deal brings me to this: sometimes, the experience won't happen as I planned, no, and the ending won't be as I expected, and there may be loss and disappointment, but perhaps there is something else here -- all of these setbacks, tests, and "experiences of things not working out" may have happened for a damn good reason. Perhaps they were preparing me for what comes next...for what does indeed work out, and I'll be more than ready.
Sometimes a higher power's lesson is deeper than we think. I sit here this morning with a lump in my throat, but my heart feels clean and true, and that is absolutely more important to me than any money, partnership, relationship, book deal, status, or position.
If things aren't working out for you, remember, maybe it's "preparation in disguise" straight from your higher power.
Peace out,💪💫💗
C.A. MacConnell
