When I was little, we had two hamsters -- Butterscotch and Charlie.
Now, most of the time we kept them separate (for good reason). Despite
this separation, every now and then my brother and I would take them out
of the cages and torture them by putting them in our slippers and
pretending that they were really riding around in space ships. Not sure
if they liked the homemade space ships, but at the time, we sure thought
that they enjoyed the adventures. Seemed like they dug the rides,
especially when we made the following sound effects: "Vroom, vroom,
Roooommmmmbrrrrvroom, prooochhcrash." That is exactly accurate.
Unfortunately,
we were not too careful when it came to watching the hamsters during
their space ship travel. Soon after one of these excursions,
Butterscotch started to look really fat. We told Mom that she looked
fat, and Veterinary Mom made an "O" with her mouth, telling us that
Butterscotch was going to have babies.
I was sure that
Butterscotch's babies were from outer space, due to her slipper/moon
travel. Intently watching the cage each day, I obsessively waited for
the alien babies to arrive. Finally, one day, Butterscotch started
popping out little hamsters, and when I excitedly crept up to her cage, I
saw two tiny, disgusting, slimy beasts there. I had it all planned -- I
was going to teach them distant planet travel, show them the ropes, you
know. The possibilities were thrilling. But when I looked a little
closer, I discovered something horrifying. Butterscotch was
licking...no...chewing on...no...eating her babies. And I
realized that there might have been more little ones before I got there,
that two or three were probably already gone. Mesmerized, I watched and
watched. Definitely, she was downing them, and it was nasty. Confused, I
ran to get Mom.
When Mom observed Butterscotch's
behavior, she made this weird face -- a face that flipped between
grossed out and over-the-top calm; I suppose that Mom was trying to hide
her terror.
I yelled, "Mom! Save the babies!"
Mom
shooed me away, but after some time passed, when I returned to the
cage, only Butterscotch and Charlie were there. I decided that Mom saved
the babies, and I was convinced that they went back to their planet
where they came from. I knew all about E.T. and such. During this whole catastrophic scene, Charlie just hung out, ate, and then ran on his wheel.
Not
long after, they both disappeared. And so did the cage. And a black toy
poodle appeared in its place -- Pepper. Pepper lost her shit with a
delivery man, then my brother, and then Pepper disappeared, and a white
Maltese appeared in her place -- Tater, aka, Mrs. Potato Head. (My name
choice). Tater stuck around for about 100 years. Even when she only had
one toe left, Tater was still alive.
To this day, when
asked about Butterscotch, Mom changes the subject or starts running the
disposal. She even swears that Charlie's name was Caramel, Biscuit, or
something cute and edible. Today, now that I'm mature, I've uncovered
the real story. Now I know that Pepper is living with an old lady on a
farm, Tater's foot is still breathing and comforting a baby,
Butterscotch got on a space ship and went to join her babies on their
home planet, and Charlie went to Europe to continue his career as a
salesman/gigolo.
C.A. MacConnell
