I admit that I can't stand it. I'd rather hide, go for a walk, screw, go on a roadtrip, anything to avoid it. But of course, if I avoid it too long, it festers, and it must be faced if any sort of growth can occur...and if the relationship can continue.
Arrgh.
So I've noticed some interesting things that have happened as of late. I had a conflict with one girl, and we talked about it, and it went smooth, like Creamy Deluxe. No prob. With another, we talked, and it snowballed into a mess of circular nothingness; that is, we got nowhere, and we had to agree to disagree, let it go, and just move on. Nothing was really settled. We just agreed to bury it.
Two different people, same approach by me, but yet, the result was strikingly different. Interesting. Can't say my approach was perfect, or even close, but I'm trying to stand up and be brave, for sure.
When dealing with conflict, family is always tougher. Buttons are pushed. Then more buttons. Then there is nothing left but buttons and pushing and more buttons and pushing. Sometimes it's best to air shit, expect nothing, and walk away. Or never bring anything up in the first place...keep it light.
Or let it sit.
Depends.
But whatever the issue, and whatever the outcome, I try to be wholly honest, and I still learn about me, and in the end, I learn how to better love. Also, I'm reminded that I'm not perfect, and neither is anyone else.
Hey, we're all doing the best we can with what we have to work with...and sometimes, our toolbox is far from full.
Mostly, I'm a quiet, introverted person and not much conflict slams into my life. Sure, I'm guilty of stuffing things rather than expressing anger, but I've gotten better at voicing it in the right way, and this helps with the depression too, which is anger turned inward, really. So "they" say.
Get. It. Out. Somehow. If not to the person directly, then to a close friend, therapist, or the hawks, whatever you wish. Scream at the sky. Hit a pillow. Chill, then have a talk. Run, then make a call. Just get it out, I say. Maybe I don't have to address anyone directly. Maybe I can just yell at the woods. They listen, they do. Especially those trees in the swamp, just sayin'.
Otherwise, stuffed conflict lurks in my foot and gives me an ache that won't go away. Or it settles in my heart, and I'll be all at once cold and alone. Or I'll feel a pain in my neck. A soreness in the shoulder. A headache, a stomachache, wherever the ignored feelings choose to settle.
I don't have all the answers, but when I face conflict, when I get it out somehow, I know it won't become trapped within the depths of my skin and bones and turn me into a depressed death machine, and I'll come out on the other side as a stronger version of little ol' me.
C.A. MacConnell
P.S. My friend Mike, yo. How are you? Peace to you, bro. Face the fear and do it anyway, today, and I will too.
