What is success? Society and the media in general tend to lean toward money, fame, power, and looking good. All of the outsides, yes. And I catch myself easily focusing on the simplicity of this idea, as if there's some sort of tangible answer, something concrete...and if I attain this "thing," then I will be happy, and I'll stay that way. Seems so. Many outside influences often point that direction. Fleeting? False? Perhaps. But...what if I say this...honestly, some of these things have truly made me happy -- awards, surprise gifts, money, horse ribbons, achieving goals/dreams, a date with an old crush, new haircuts, and the like. Sure, some of this shit is cool. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I love the rush. And what's wrong with that? Winning is fun. More, more, more.
And then there's the other side...the religious and/or spiritual folks, who veer toward looking inward, rather than focusing on outward appearances and accolades. Here's what they say: look inside. Meditate, pray. All is coming. Let your higher power be your employer. The answer is internal, right? And some of these things have made me happy as well. And what's wrong with that? Less, less, less. But these ideas tend to sway and change within me too. I've known some seemingly peaceful gurus, and I've known some pretty miserable and/or unhealthy folks who have become lost within spiritual gaga. Some days, meditation makes me feel peaceful, but hell, other days, sex and a rock show do the trick. Help others, sure, but one morning, wouldn't it be fun to drive to the Outer Banks simply because I want to, for me? Or maybe chill on the couch and binge on Netflix just because. Cobra Kai!
So, what if I went entirely against the grain and looked at it this way -- maybe it's not one or the other. Maybe it's both ideas, and more. A hell of a lot more. Let's try this again. What is success? More is less? Less is more?
My first answer tends to roll on out this way -- success equals peace of mind, laughter, love, and freedom from suffering. That about covers it, right? Not necessarily...
Other days, I'd say it's this: do what you love and work hard. This helps sometimes, but I've still felt a hole with this idea too.
Maybe it's simply this: I'd like to be able to pay my bills. Yeah, that's cool for a while, but then it becomes monotonous.
When something hurts: success equals a life free of pain. My back doesn't hurt anymore, but now the neck does; it's always something.
Or this: do what you love, and your life will be your work. Sure, but then everything is work. What about pure play...play for no reason at all?
When I'm lonely: find your true family. I found one. Then that didn't work, so I found another. Then I wanted the first one back. Confusing.
Here's one: feel good about the way you look...fuck the haters. I felt good about my hair, but then my teeth looked crooked, so the haters changed.
Parents love this: don't ever quit one job before you have another. I've done this multiple times, and it turned out all right.
Some days: help others and live in gratitude. Yeah, but sometimes I feel tired, mad, afraid, or any number of human feelings, and I'm not grateful. Rather, I need to process things, or I need to be alone and rest.
How about this -- laugh, play, be free. Right, but what about other people?
And still other moments: dream hard, follow the course, and never give up. Sure, but there are some things that just don't pan out.
So, which one is it? Ha, I'd say it's all of them, and there are numerous other "success definitions." My life continues to haphazardly change in a way that's elusively grey. With age and experience, my perspective changes. And as with many of my findings, my idea of success isn't simply "all or nothing."
So, I'll win that award and celebrate the victory. Or maybe I'll ride a bicycle and study the nature of the season. Pray, meditate, fast, do what I do, then climb Catawba Mountain and whether or not I'm happy, I'll take a beaming, fake or real selfie. I'll slap on some makeup, or I won't even shower and head out for a walk. Maybe I'll exercise or eat that cookie. Yoga one day, bath the next. Spend my whole paycheck on a ticket out west or save every penny. Help a friend or dive into the mosh pit. Slip into an expensive gown or tux, pray to my higher power, or slide off my old sweats and screw my lover for hours. Write this piece or delete it and take pictures. Do whatever. Do it all. Live fully. Do me. See what makes me happy, right here, right now. It'll change tomorrow. Do me.
Just as my version of a higher power changes and evolves over time, my view of success changes day to day as well. Many factors alter my view -- time, trauma, therapy, others' suggestions, joyful happenings, mistakes, failures, achievements, navigating through fear, looking within, looking outside of myself, asking questions, studying nature, creating, never giving up, giving up, and taking in results.
If I fully express my unique self, I am always paying attention to the moment, and as far as I know, this moment is all I have, and if I had to make a grand statement about the definition of success, I'd say that the answer sits in a realm beyond the idea of "more or less;" rather, the answer rests in the balanced individuality of the being; true success lives and breathes within the moment. And since we are all created in such mysterious, varied ways, something tells me that my higher power would agree.
Am I right? I don't know. Balance it out. Do you.
C.A. MacConnell
