This was a film shot. I love this. :)
I'll Take the Risk
I'll Take the Risk
Hope you have a good day, regardless of what's going on in life and such. In general, I'm just pressing forward, doing the footwork, and leaving the rest up to the universe. "Suit up and show up," as they say. Here I am, absolutely powerless.
I've had a lot going on, as I'm sure many others do right now -- heavy ongoing stress, physical reactions, curveballs, financial hardships, exhilarating news, devastating news, many unknowns, pretty much all of that noise, and I've been blindsided by change, feeling rather shocked and surprised one day to the next.
But for the past six months or so, it's all been quite a solo venture. I've been spending a great deal of time meditating, as this is a time when I feel it's necessary to be quiet, listen carefully, and be true to myself. Whenever I get worked up, my first response tends to be a kneejerk reaction -- the desire to escape my feelings and feel better. Often, in the past, I'd panic, reaching for the phone, readings, a certain person, doctors, groups, or the like. Holy shit, I wanted to get rid of the feelings and feel better, sure...
But I've noticed that lately, my response has dramatically shifted; life's events have changed me. Instead, I've chosen to look inward. This feels wise and necessary, as these circumstances are not something I feel I can navigate through looking outward.
I've had a lot going on, as I'm sure many others do right now -- heavy ongoing stress, physical reactions, curveballs, financial hardships, exhilarating news, devastating news, many unknowns, pretty much all of that noise, and I've been blindsided by change, feeling rather shocked and surprised one day to the next.
But for the past six months or so, it's all been quite a solo venture. I've been spending a great deal of time meditating, as this is a time when I feel it's necessary to be quiet, listen carefully, and be true to myself. Whenever I get worked up, my first response tends to be a kneejerk reaction -- the desire to escape my feelings and feel better. Often, in the past, I'd panic, reaching for the phone, readings, a certain person, doctors, groups, or the like. Holy shit, I wanted to get rid of the feelings and feel better, sure...
But I've noticed that lately, my response has dramatically shifted; life's events have changed me. Instead, I've chosen to look inward. This feels wise and necessary, as these circumstances are not something I feel I can navigate through looking outward.
Instead, I've been calling upon my inner strength; this route feels right and true to me. Sure, there have been a lot of tears, but feelings are fleeting, and they certainly haven't killed me thus far, and over the years, I've felt the gamut -- you name it, everything from a cavernous depression to a year's worth of panic attacks, and then some. And I'm still here. So, I let them roll in, but I continue to open myself to what's next, what's new, and embrace the uncertainty of change.
This has all affected me physically as well. At the moment, my left arm and hand are numb; it comes and goes. Scary, right? Normally, I'd be jumping on that piece. And I admit I dove into chaos at first. But this morning, I'm not, because I know that in the past, I've had a number of physical reactions to stress, and my anxiety often tunnels into the land of somatic responses, and this is no different. So here I am, amazingly saying this: numb arm? Fuck it, take a walk, do some yoga, get dressed, go to work. I've learned that if I needed the ER, there would be no question involved, and I would know. I'll eventually find a solution, and it'll all roll out. And oftentimes, after I push through the mental aspects, the physical problems fade as well. It's all interconnected.
And so, I sit, wait, listen, and act accordingly. There is a bit of risk involved. But therein lies faith as well. Bring it on.
Also, I've been laughing more, and I've been feeling closer to my higher power (higher self, God, soul, The Great Spirit, whatever you want to call it) as well. Not sure how this will all pan out, but I feel strange and new. Pressing forward feels right. Scary and uncomfortable, but right.
Ready for a new me. Ready for surprises. Ready for the curveballs. Bring it on. I'll take the risk, and I'll continue to look inward, because I rarely give myself enough credit for the horrors I've faced over the years. Wisdom comes from these battles. I'm learning to trust this wisdom.
C.A. MacConnell
