Four Sisters.

 

Four Sisters

Took this some time back. They looked so happy, but yet, the path was treacherous that day. <3 to you,

C.A. MacConnell

Never Give Up, Ha.

 

Here I was at McDonalds, hahaha. It was -3 out, w/ a -17 wind chill I believe, and yet, I walked 5 miles. Actually, I had a blast...believe it or not. I'm doing it again tomorrow. It felt like being a kid for some reason. I was toasty...the key is NO AIR. You can't let any air in. I was so layered, I looked like a Weeble Wobble.

Love, C.A. MacConnell

Wish List

I'm gonna disappear for a little bit. If you're interested in my writings, I have a bunch of samples on here, all genres; hit up the "Labels" column on the right side of this page. You'll find a little of everything. Even better, check out my Amazon Author page, where you'll find my four novels. I'd love to have you join my journey.

This is the only holiday-ish poem I have. I'm not into celebrating certain days at all. Never have been. But I am into celebrating the feeling of love. Truth:  in my life outside of writing, I've been a lone soldier for many years, but I feel a closeness, an intimacy, when I write. Or when I look at pictures, movies, when I hear a certain voice or song, when I read into words or photographs and imagine where the story might go. Ah, and when I'm laughing. But often, I feel like a distant observer trooping through the world. I believe I'd like to learn more about true intimacy, though; I feel it with three of my longtime friends. And learning about it more sounds fun. I've spent many years solo, repairing trauma, getting to know who I am, and of course I'm still learning, but I'm proud of this journey, so whatever way it goes from here, I'm content with it. Not to mention, I'm stubborn as all hell, and I'm a strange, introverted bird, and I have some bad habits, ha. But who knows what or who might roll in. God has a way of surprising me lately.

A little, heartfelt piece that I wanted to share with you, one of many that I've written about love, one that comes from the kind of intimacy that I know...

Wish List

You, me, inside
the fire light.
On days like this,
I miss the left
side of your jawline.
I miss the slightly
larger shape,
the almond
of your right eye.
We will rest
in one simple room.
East or west,
north or south,
we will feel time
for what it is --
low lit, silent
and momentous.
Holiday, come.

C.A. MacConnell

P.S. On a practical note, I sure hope my soul mate doesn't arrive before I get these teeth fixed, haha. Also a work in progress, haha. Oh well, love me with jacked up teeth or not at all.

Missing Windows

 

Missing Windows

Much love, always, 
C.A. MacConnell

When Facing You

Someone drew
a white tiger
on every
inch
of duct tape,
and suddenly,
I was called upon
to study
the stripes.

C.A. MacConnell

Hawk, Sunrise.

 

C.A. MacConnell

Big Cat, and an essay. I'll Take the Risk.

 

This was a film shot. I love this. :) 

I'll Take the Risk

Hope you have a good day, regardless of what's going on in life and such. In general, I'm just pressing forward, doing the footwork, and leaving the rest up to the universe. "Suit up and show up," as they say. Here I am, absolutely powerless.

I've had a lot going on, as I'm sure many others do right now -- heavy ongoing stress, physical reactions, curveballs, financial hardships, exhilarating news, devastating news, many unknowns, pretty much all of that noise, and I've been blindsided by change, feeling rather shocked and surprised one day to the next.

But for the past six months or so, it's all been quite a solo venture. I've been spending a great deal of time meditating, as this is a time when I feel it's necessary to be quiet, listen carefully, and be true to myself. Whenever I get worked up, my first response tends to be a kneejerk reaction -- the desire to escape my feelings and feel better. Often, in the past, I'd panic, reaching for the phone, readings, a certain person, doctors, groups, or the like. Holy shit, I wanted to get rid of the feelings and feel better, sure...

But I've noticed that lately, my response has dramatically shifted; life's events have changed me. Instead, I've chosen to look inward. This feels wise and necessary, as these circumstances are not something I feel I can navigate through looking outward. 

Instead, I've been calling upon my inner strength; this route feels right and true to me. Sure, there have been a lot of tears, but feelings are fleeting, and they certainly haven't killed me thus far, and over the years, I've felt the gamut -- you name it, everything from a cavernous depression to a year's worth of panic attacks, and then some. And I'm still here. So, I let them roll in, but I continue to open myself to what's next, what's new, and embrace the uncertainty of change. 

This has all affected me physically as well. At the moment, my left arm and hand are numb; it comes and goes. Scary, right? Normally, I'd be jumping on that piece. And I admit I dove into chaos at first. But this morning, I'm not, because I know that in the past, I've had a number of physical reactions to stress, and my anxiety often tunnels into the land of somatic responses, and this is no different. So here I am, amazingly saying this:  numb arm? Fuck it, take a walk, do some yoga, get dressed, go to work. I've learned that if I needed the ER, there would be no question involved, and I would know. I'll eventually find a solution, and it'll all roll out. And oftentimes, after I push through the mental aspects, the physical problems fade as well. It's all interconnected.

And so, I sit, wait, listen, and act accordingly. There is a bit of risk involved. But therein lies faith as well. Bring it on.

Also, I've been laughing more, and I've been feeling closer to my higher power (higher self, God, soul, The Great Spirit, whatever you want to call it) as well. Not sure how this will all pan out, but I feel strange and new. Pressing forward feels right. Scary and uncomfortable, but right.

Ready for a new me. Ready for surprises. Ready for the curveballs. Bring it on. I'll take the risk, and I'll continue to look inward, because I rarely give myself enough credit for the horrors I've faced over the years. Wisdom comes from these battles. I'm learning to trust this wisdom.

C.A. MacConnell

Prayer Request

an oldie but goodie. :) <3

Prayer Request

Last night, I got kidnapped.
I was trapped
inside a hot

sanctuary.
I was shifty
in the church pew –
a cramped place
I have never called home.

Last night, I got lucky.
I discovered
a blank stack

of prayer request paper.
Three by five,
I drew you wearing suns.
I’ve never seen you like this,
but that's the way I always

picture you.
I drew me next to you.
I was reaching

for your middle.
I drew a taller me –
wild-haired,
stick hands nearly touching
the place where your belt

should be.
My fingers got lost
between your loops.

I've never seen me like this,
but the pencil made me
a lead-grey, dipping,
V-necked dress.
Your mouth

was a line.
My mouth
was a circle.

C.A. MacConnell

Hawk, Lunken

 

Hope you have a good night! Hopefully, I'll catch up with myself soon, and I'll be on a more regular writing schedule. Life has been busy as all hell and full of change. Thanks for your support on this site, if you're visiting. 

Love,

C.A. MacConnell

Leaves

 

C.A. MacConnell

Success: More, Less, Balance, and the Moment

What is success? Society and the media in general tend to lean toward money, fame, power, and looking good. All of the outsides, yes. And I catch myself easily focusing on the simplicity of this idea, as if there's some sort of tangible answer, something concrete...and if I attain this "thing," then I will be happy, and I'll stay that way. Seems so. Many outside influences often point that direction. Fleeting? False? Perhaps. But...what if I say this...honestly, some of these things have truly made me happy -- awards, surprise gifts, money, horse ribbons, achieving goals/dreams, a date with an old crush, new haircuts, and the like. Sure, some of this shit is cool. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I love the rush. And what's wrong with that? Winning is fun. More, more, more.

And then there's the other side...the religious and/or spiritual folks, who veer toward looking inward, rather than focusing on outward appearances and accolades. Here's what they say:  look inside. Meditate, pray. All is coming. Let your higher power be your employer. The answer is internal, right? And some of these things have made me happy as well. And what's wrong with that? Less, less, less. But these ideas tend to sway and change within me too. I've known some seemingly peaceful gurus, and I've known some pretty miserable and/or unhealthy folks who have become lost within spiritual gaga. Some days, meditation makes me feel peaceful, but hell, other days, sex and a rock show do the trick. Help others, sure, but one morning, wouldn't it be fun to drive to the Outer Banks simply because I want to, for me? Or maybe chill on the couch and binge on Netflix just because. Cobra Kai!

So, what if I went entirely against the grain and looked at it this way -- maybe it's not one or the other. Maybe it's both ideas, and more. A hell of a lot more. Let's try this again. What is success? More is less? Less is more?

My first answer tends to roll on out this way -- success equals peace of mind, laughter, love, and freedom from suffering. That about covers it, right? Not necessarily...

Other days, I'd say it's this:  do what you love and work hard. This helps sometimes, but I've still felt a hole with this idea too.

Maybe it's simply this:  I'd like to be able to pay my bills. Yeah, that's cool for a while, but then it becomes monotonous.

When something hurts:  success equals a life free of pain. My back doesn't hurt anymore, but now the neck does; it's always something.

Or this:  do what you love, and your life will be your work. Sure, but then everything is work. What about pure play...play for no reason at all?

When I'm lonely:  find your true family. I found one. Then that didn't work, so I found another. Then I wanted the first one back. Confusing.

Here's one:  feel good about the way you look...fuck the haters. I felt good about my hair, but then my teeth looked crooked, so the haters changed.

Parents love this:  don't ever quit one job before you have another. I've done this multiple times, and it turned out all right.

Some days:  help others and live in gratitude. Yeah, but sometimes I feel tired, mad, afraid, or any number of human feelings, and I'm not grateful. Rather, I need to process things, or I need to be alone and rest.

How about this -- laugh, play, be free. Right, but what about other people?

And still other moments:  dream hard, follow the course, and never give up. Sure, but there are some things that just don't pan out.

So, which one is it? Ha, I'd say it's all of them, and there are numerous other "success definitions." My life continues to haphazardly change in a way that's elusively grey. With age and experience, my perspective changes. And as with many of my findings, my idea of success isn't simply "all or nothing."

So, I'll win that award and celebrate the victory. Or maybe I'll ride a bicycle and study the nature of the season. Pray, meditate, fast, do what I do, then climb Catawba Mountain and whether or not I'm happy, I'll take a beaming, fake or real selfie. I'll slap on some makeup, or I won't even shower and head out for a walk. Maybe I'll exercise or eat that cookie. Yoga one day, bath the next. Spend my whole paycheck on a ticket out west or save every penny. Help a friend or dive into the mosh pit. Slip into an expensive gown or tux, pray to my higher power, or slide off my old sweats and screw my lover for hours. Write this piece or delete it and take pictures. Do whatever. Do it all. Live fully. Do me. See what makes me happy, right here, right now. It'll change tomorrow. Do me.

Just as my version of a higher power changes and evolves over time, my view of success changes day to day as well. Many factors alter my view -- time, trauma, therapy, others' suggestions, joyful happenings, mistakes, failures, achievements, navigating through fear, looking within, looking outside of myself, asking questions, studying nature, creating, never giving up, giving up, and taking in results.

If I fully express my unique self, I am always paying attention to the moment, and as far as I know, this moment is all I have, and if I had to make a grand statement about the definition of success, I'd say that the answer sits in a realm beyond the idea of "more or less;" rather, the answer rests in the balanced individuality of the being; true success lives and breathes within the moment. And since we are all created in such mysterious, varied ways, something tells me that my higher power would agree.

Am I right? I don't know. Balance it out. Do you.

C.A. MacConnell

Fall to Touch 3

 

C.A. MacConnell

The Kind

I just wrote this. I love it. So simple, but it holds a li'l power. Love you, C.A.

The Kind

Last night, an old man forced me to smile, as if my face
were no more than a sticky envelope, a love letter trap.

Think of the closing view – the dark, the blackout, the feel
of tongue over teeth, the clenching, the grinding of bone

on bone. Somewhere, a thick elephant herd, an extended
family, marches on, turning up dust. Wrinkles vice-grip

those eyes. Black. Creases. Think of the solemn dance,
the hunger, the search, and the noise. Think of the kind,

huge hearts.

C.A. MacConnell

Fuct.

 

Yo, 

Check out The House of Anchor, my sophomore work. :) This photo was one of the inspirations for the work. I took the photo a long time ago...I was in Roanoke,  VA, downtown, hanging out by the market. I also remember that my friend Chris was eating Chinese takeout, sitting on a bench nearby. Every time I saw that guy, he had a box of takeout, ha. He'd eat some noodles, then spout out something brilliant, then eat some more noodles. A humble genius.

The dialogue is unbelievable in The Anchor. Ha. I loved writing it. I hope you get a chance to read it.
Hope you're happy!

C.A. MacConnell

P.S. 25 years today.

First Date

Have a nice evening. 

C.A. MacConnell
:) <3

Facing

C.A. MacConnell

I Spy

The sunset road
stretches out before me
like a pale, lined tongue.
Let me follow the limit.
I never wear a seat belt.
I never look both ways.
Lost inside a red,
deserted place,
my figure is fine.
Driving alone,
junkyard tires
kicking up dust,
I am barely twenty-two,
tearing across Wyoming,
looking for horse plates.

C.A. MacConnell

Wind's Coming, and a Note to You.

 

Good morning. Letting Book Five sit to gain some perspective, before I start revising that sucker again. It's a rather large project, and it's a difficult undertaking; nonetheless, the process of writing it has already changed me forever, and it continues to do so each moment, even as I'm gathering more information.

As a direct result of writing this work, I have been catapulted into change, so much so that I can barely keep up with myself, my life, and my feelings, and I admit that I'm definitely still processing it all, but at the same time, there are moments when I feel freer and stronger than I ever have.

I feel challenged. I feel afraid, angry, lost, confused. I feel somewhat alone, but I also feel that it's crucially necessary to trust myself, my inner spirit, and my choices, rather than rely on others for direction. I am feeling a more profound sense of self, but I'm not quite there yet, ha. Kind of in between the noise and the calm. A hell of a lot of noise.

Doing the best I can, I suppose. This is all very new to me, and recent events have challenged pretty much all of the beliefs I've held for a very long time. And so, I'm tired too. Half full, so to speak. I need a whirlpool. And free massages. A stuffed animal. A long hug. Stuff like that.

In the meantime, while things settle down, I show up, feel uncomfortable, and continue to stay the course. That's all I know to do. And today, I know I'll take a walk, meditate, do some chores, and see what else unfolds. One day at a time, as they say.

Sometimes, I want to just hop in my car and take off. And if I had the means, I probably would. But then again, wherever I ended up, I'm sure I'd come upon the same lessons...and I'd have to revisit them eventually, so the way I figure, might as well push through it now. Then take off. Something like that. Or, take off and learn them wherever. Ha. Who knows? I have no idea.

What I'd really like to do is to be able to spend all of my time on this book. I'd still take my walks, but other than that, I'd focus, because I think this work is that important. But at the moment, that's not doable, and I suppose I'm still living it. I've seriously thought about selling my car, but then I'd be stuck without wheels...coming from a woman who was nicknamed "Driverwoman" in college, that plan seems unwise.

Ah, I think I'll just make some coffee and do some reading for now. And muse about true love. And take some pictures today. Let some joy roll in. Grinning as I write this. See, letting things settle down in the midst of feeling an internal lion's roar.

Hope you're enjoying your morning, wherever you are. Stay tuned for news on my latest project, and in the meantime, you can find my other four works on Amazon. Just click on any of the book covers to the right, and it'll lead you to the page, as well as a description. Also, my author page is here.

If someone asked me this morning, what is my goal? Freedom. Play. Freedom.

C.A. MacConnell