Picture it. You're at the grocery store, wheeling your cart (the small, shorter kind) around the aisles like a speed demon because you only need butter, coffee, and shampoo, and it should really only be a "quick trip," although it took you a half hour to park, and you're semi-annoyed about the parking spot that's nearly a mile away, and you're not paying too much attention to the crowd, because this is a "quick trip." But wait a minute, you need sugar too. And maybe some Big K Diet Cola. And a frozen pizza. Oh, and your husband told you those mixed nuts were all gone. And didn't your daughter say she needed a headband for her hair? They're in the clearance bin. Before you know it, your cart is overflowing. By then, I'd say you're probably deep, deep into "shopper's blackout," whipping in and out of the other crazed people and stacks upon stacks of food stuffs.
But suddenly, you take one turn to fast, and you almost, let me repeat, ALMOST, run smack into the cart of another shopper. The horror. The biggest nightmare in shopping land. Humbled, you back off a little. Just a little, just to see who's going to make the next move. Now, what happens next is very curious...something strange I have noticed lately.
If you make eye contact with the person (which doesn't always happen), let's face it, sometimes, the spineless people just jerk the other way and bolt off; however, most of the time, one person or the other will mouth, "Sorry." And nearly always, the other person will make this weird expression. They sort of half smile, and it's a tight-lipped expression where the edges of the mouth are turned up, but the lips are pretty much missing they're pressed so tight, like a cross between a smile and a frown. I'm calling it a "Smown." (rhymes with "town.") It's a new expression name I invented. It's that look that people give when they really want to say, "Fuck you get out of my way," but instead, they're forcing themselves to be nice for some unknown reason that probably has to do with what their mom and dad told them to do back when they were eight, and they really don't feel like causing a rumble I guess.
Try it again. Walk down another aisle. Someone's got one of those carts with the kid's car attached to it, and they're blocking the entire snack aisle. It happens all the time. You roll your eyes and stop, waiting for that mofo to move. You look up at them and what do you see? I guarantee you will see the Smown. It's as if they want to say, "Listen, I've got three kids I'm shopping for, and I have to push around this ridiculous toy car, and you want me to move my cart?" But then they move the cart and throw you a winner Smown every time.
Try it again and again. I guarantee, every time, if you look up at the face right when you are about to run into a shopper, you'll see the Smown. I've perfected my Smown. It is the look of utter forced humility and happiness and accepted by shopping cart madmen and women everywhere. It has gotten me out of many scrapes.
Only problem I'm having is how to create that Smown when texting or typing. It might look something like this: :)( or even better, this :S
If you're bored today, notice the Smowns all over your world. At work, when someone cuts right in front of you to open the bathroom door, and they catch your eye -- here comes a perfect Smown. At Target, when someone reaches for the last purple bath towel that was on sale -- another Smown. At the gas station, when someone pulls up to the pump you wanted. Smown, every time. That creepy, tight-lipped, half-smile is everywhere. In most cases, when they Smown, you can't even see the person's lips at all. Everywhere, lipless creatures are Smowning. At the park, when some Mom's kid takes your kid's swing. Smown. At the office, when some asshole uses the last of the sugar for his coffee, then looks at you, shakes the empty sugar box, shrugs, and says, "Sorry." Ultimate Smown.
You get the idea.
Good luck today. There is Smowning everywhere. Beware.
:S
C.A. MacConnell
