Yesterday, I was hyper-focused on my sore neck.
Today, the neck is better, and so I'm obsessing about a tooth.
Often, I channel my worries into tangible objects, and my mind will turn every bit of focus onto something I believe I can grasp, measure, and control, such as these examples: a flat tire, a sore throat, a money situation, my writing, a personal encounter, a work problem, and other such daily issues. More often than not, I veer toward somatic fears. But now I'm aware of it, and in some ways, being aware truly takes the fun out of it, ha.
Nonetheless, when I grab a hold of an obsession at any given time, that thing may become my focus for the day, the week, or the month, depending on redirection/distraction attempts. For a while, I'll channel all of my fears into that...one...thing. And when the fear claims the tooth, for instance, the tooth seems to hurt more. And then all I think about is the tooth, and then it's hurts even worse. Welcome to my tunnel of never-ending fear, a wild, circular ride. One thing is clear: obsessing never helps the situation. And yet I try. And try again.
It never works. It's a temporary fix, and the fear simply festers and grows.
Because once the tooth problem is fixed, I'll grab onto something else. Depends on the moment. Hyper-focus on tangible objects has never stopped fear in its tracks, because if I don't address the bigger issues, the next day, I'll quickly pick something else, attempting psuedo-control. Often, my new focus changes as swiftly as the weather.
But these smaller focus objects and obsessions are mere symbols of the bigger monsters.
You see, my real, intangible fears rest deeper -- fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of getting sick, fear of people judging me, fear of facing big life issues with no support, fear of long-term suffering and pain, fear of loss, fear of being trapped, and the like. That's where the real beasts live, and I try like hell to cover them up.
But the solution is simple. Now that I've written about the biggies, I can enjoy the rest of my day, because sharing it with you has cut the power of it all in half. And if you're still reading, and you can relate to these above-stated essential human fears, and you know you're not alone, then perhaps now you feel better too.
That's why we're here.
C.A. MacConnell
