I am a completely different person than I was in August through December. It has only been three months, and now I feel strong as hell. That's a long way to journey in a short time.
It was a lot of hard work, and then I woke the hell up.
Now, I feel as if I haven't quite caught up with myself yet. Of course, there are some things that haven't changed. I have some bad habits, and I'm rather stubborn, but I'm all right with it, and I still LOVE movies, hawks, driving with the music cranked, graveyards, walks of 4-5 miles, and pretty much every animal, except I'm a little wary of possums, raccoons, and coyotes, but wolves are indeed majestic. I love the mountains, Virginia, the Outer Banks, the Nevada desert, and the thought of moving as soon as I am able. In my daydreams, I see a long driveway, and a white fence. I see a gate. Whenever I stop to "meditate," (I like to call it daydreaming) this vision pops up. Not sure if it's mine, or if I'm visiting, but it's there.
And I see the love of my life.
No matter how much I may grow or change, I'll never let go of these dreams. When I was little, I used to see similar visions. Back then, it was horses -- hundreds of them, and at ten, I was riding, and later, I became a horse trainer. Then I started dreaming of Virginia, and I have no idea why, because one day, it just appeared in my mind. And I ended up going to school in those mountains. I lived there for around six years.
I believe in these visions. I always have, and far beyond doctors, scientists, and the practical things (although they are important too!), many times, my dreams and visions have kept me alive.
It's beyond romance or childish wishing. Rather, it's magic or divine, if you will. You see, I believe that God, as we say, is inside us.
Trust yourself. Stay the course. You deserve good things. And no matter whether a person is accepting an award or shoveling shit, we are all human. What difference is the geography? And no matter how many are around, in the end, I am alone, and there is a sole purpose.
People choose sides, but it's not about the external events. These happenings are mere distractions. What it's really about is this: how I face the fear and the noise. Just plug away. Something's coming.
All this week, I've read people's thoughts about how they can't believe someone would make fun of an illness. It has been happening to me for 24 years. It has happened to others for centuries. But through my words, through my emails, talks, posts, and direct speech, I've fought my own fight.
There is a time to do just that.
And now I'm ready for the white fence, the long driveway, peace, quiet, and the love of my life.
C.A. MacConnell
