I started to write you some thoughts, and I deleted the entire thing. I soon realized that the words were coming from a place that I don't need to embrace anymore. You see, there have been several periods in my life where I have indeed "lost everything," so to speak. I had to completely rebuild myself, putting it mildly.
As a result, I spend a lot of time ruminating about this: when will it happen again? I might worry about my car, or my A/C unit, or the people below me making noise, or my workday, but the theme is the same: when will it happen again?
Trauma can create such a tunnel of thinking. But that's all it is...thinking.
So, I deleted the entire thing, because I looked over on my desk, and I read these words that have been so important to me from time to time: your story is different now.
I wanted to begin again, and so I am...
Many days, I don't give myself enough credit for all of the endless years of hard work I've done in recovery, therapy, and life in general. I've been a warrior, a beast, the strongest of the strong. I've been through many wars in this lifetime. My largest battle was in 1999, when I had to relearn everything -- writing, reading, speaking, walking, sleeping, everything. I had to relearn how to blink and tie my shoes. I had to relearn how to eat. That's how sick I was.
Sometimes, it feels as if I carry that experience around like a suitcase. When will it happen again?
But it hasn't.
And it won't. Ever. I...am...new. Every day, sometimes throughout the day, I have to remind myself that I...am...new.
As I sit here writing to you now, I have everything I need. I don't feel joyous and free, but I feel curious and alive. I have not lost everything. I am moving forward, inch by inch, day by day. And sometimes, moving forward can look messy. That's right...the greatest warriors have setbacks and times of intense darkness too. The greatest warriors rejoice and weep.
But they keep going.
Like me.
And you.
And that's why we're here, to connect with our hearts, to love each other, to help each other create a new story that's childlike, spontaneous, creative, loving, and unique.
Right here, right now, friend.
That old shit is old news.
Your story is different now.
And so is mine.
Hello, warrior, thank you for being here. I can't do this without you.
And this is simply amazing. And so am I. And so are you.
Enjoy your evening. I hope my words will help you too.
C.A. MacConnell
P.S. Photo I took yesterday. Called "Stars." :)
