I love this one, because I'm a fan of simple tree shots, and I adore the emotion it captures. Hope you like it as well. My "God thoughts" this morning. Indeed, this is an essay in disguise. It's going to sound strange at first, but keep reading...
God, See Above
How will I support myself?
What the hell am I going to do? My car is old, and there are problems, and I use it for my livelihood. I can't afford a new car in any way.
How can I do this? It seems impossible.
My body is broken. Something is wrong with me, inside and outside.
I'm so afraid. How can I ever get through this?
Am I good enough?
I wrote four books. Wow. Actually, six. Two aren't out yet.
I take a lot of pictures and people seem to like them.
Is anyone reading or supporting art?
Why the hell am I doing this stuff?
It's fun, I dunno. It keeps me alive.
I want to write books and ride horses and relax. How can I do this?
I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me.
There's been so much stress in the past few years, I'm not sure I'll ever recover.
I wonder if I'll ever have a partner who loves me. I love someone, and I've never been able to tell him, and it sounds ridiculous, and maybe it's a fantasy or a secret, but to me, it's the truth, and I can't get past it, and I can't seem to let it go.
I am ridiculous.
I am a dreamer, and I love it.
I am alone in this.
I am a hero.
I am completely lost.
I am strong.
I am terrified.
I want to do big things.
I don't know if I have the energy to work today.
I am a piece of shit.
I'm awesome. Look how much I've been through.
I am so unbelievably strong.
I am a warrior.
I'm tired of being strong.
I wonder if anyone loves me.
I believe in God, but I'm afraid of God sometimes.
I wonder if I'll ever love myself. People tell me to do that all of the time.
People tell me that God loves me, but I only believe it 50 percent of the time.
I'm exhausted.
We're all going to die.
I'm fifty. I don't give a shit about possessions. I actually don't even give a shit about anything. All I want is love.
I need a blankie.
God, see above.
When I share what's in my heart, the right people draw close to me. When I share what's in my heart -- my fears, my innermost insecurities, and my most vulnerable, transparent thoughts, the truth and the light begin to settle in. When I am real, when I am my authentic self, when I am in touch with all of these raw emotions -- good, bad, and indifferent -- and I can release them to the universe, then, and only then...am I fully in touch with my place in the universe exactly in this moment.
God, here I am, right here, right now. Here you see the vulnerable and broken and lost thoughts inside of me. God, see above. Thank you for listening and loving me, even with all of this mess, because even the mess is a part of who I am, and it's important to my journey. I'll let you take care of these thoughts and lead me to the next step, one moment at a time. I have no idea what I'm doing.
None of us do.
I act and react based on present and past experiences, unless I let it all out and become willing to change my perspective to see that which is unexpected, divine, unique to me, and mysterious. God, see above. Today, each minute, let me celebrate myself -- even the mess that rests within me -- because I am alive, and I am important. Because we are all in this together, and even my insecurities might lead me to help someone today. Because my deepest feelings might actually guide me to be a part of saving someone else's life. Maybe, just by writing this, I made a difference.
Nature knows more than I do. I have no idea.
God, see above.
Today, I am humbled by your mystery. And now a smile is creeping across my face, and my feelings have settled, and they are all important, because they are all a part of who I am. I am important. We all are. And God, I feel you with me again. I can't wait to see what happens next.
God, see above.
C.A. MacConnell C. 2024
There's been so much stress in the past few years, I'm not sure I'll ever recover.
I wonder if I'll ever have a partner who loves me. I love someone, and I've never been able to tell him, and it sounds ridiculous, and maybe it's a fantasy or a secret, but to me, it's the truth, and I can't get past it, and I can't seem to let it go.
I am ridiculous.
I am a dreamer, and I love it.
I am alone in this.
I am a hero.
I am completely lost.
I am strong.
I am terrified.
I want to do big things.
I don't know if I have the energy to work today.
I am a piece of shit.
I'm awesome. Look how much I've been through.
I am so unbelievably strong.
I am a warrior.
I'm tired of being strong.
I wonder if anyone loves me.
I believe in God, but I'm afraid of God sometimes.
I wonder if I'll ever love myself. People tell me to do that all of the time.
People tell me that God loves me, but I only believe it 50 percent of the time.
I'm exhausted.
We're all going to die.
I'm fifty. I don't give a shit about possessions. I actually don't even give a shit about anything. All I want is love.
I need a blankie.
God, see above.
When I share what's in my heart, the right people draw close to me. When I share what's in my heart -- my fears, my innermost insecurities, and my most vulnerable, transparent thoughts, the truth and the light begin to settle in. When I am real, when I am my authentic self, when I am in touch with all of these raw emotions -- good, bad, and indifferent -- and I can release them to the universe, then, and only then...am I fully in touch with my place in the universe exactly in this moment.
God, here I am, right here, right now. Here you see the vulnerable and broken and lost thoughts inside of me. God, see above. Thank you for listening and loving me, even with all of this mess, because even the mess is a part of who I am, and it's important to my journey. I'll let you take care of these thoughts and lead me to the next step, one moment at a time. I have no idea what I'm doing.
None of us do.
I act and react based on present and past experiences, unless I let it all out and become willing to change my perspective to see that which is unexpected, divine, unique to me, and mysterious. God, see above. Today, each minute, let me celebrate myself -- even the mess that rests within me -- because I am alive, and I am important. Because we are all in this together, and even my insecurities might lead me to help someone today. Because my deepest feelings might actually guide me to be a part of saving someone else's life. Maybe, just by writing this, I made a difference.
Nature knows more than I do. I have no idea.
God, see above.
Today, I am humbled by your mystery. And now a smile is creeping across my face, and my feelings have settled, and they are all important, because they are all a part of who I am. I am important. We all are. And God, I feel you with me again. I can't wait to see what happens next.
God, see above.
C.A. MacConnell C. 2024
