No Fix, Just Me
Nothing particularly earth-shattering about this photo, other than I'm here to say that this day is beautiful, like you; it's easy for me to tell you that. It's not as easy to tell myself. Isn't that true for many of us? The negative self-talk I often hear is something I would never profess to someone else. Rather, most days, I tend to see others' positive qualities, and I tell them all the time, and I focus on facets of their personalities that I enjoy.
And so, I have to constantly ask myself this: What you hear in your head...would you say these words to your best friend? If not, then I need to change the dialogue I'm hearing inside and learn to be kinder to myself. Easy to say, harder to do.
I've noticed that when I imagine/dream about a partner, I begin feeling very insecure off and on. There are days when I'm OK with where I'm at in my life and how I look, and I feel solid as all hell, but at other times, I fiercely struggle with it. When I was little, I was taught that how I look is more important than how I feel. I was taught that feelings were shameful, and I learned how to hide them well. If there was something physically wrong, it had to be "fixed" immediately. And in my case, it was often taken to the extreme. And so, I learned how to communicate with animals instead. Considering my history, aging and physical problems can be quite terrifying for a person like me.
Appearance, the utmost importance. Think about how confusing that is to a child. Fucked up. A rather strange message and then, as we grow, the outside world constantly reiterates this false information all the time. Should be the opposite, I know...feelings and the whole person should be more important than the mere exterior, of course, but it's a hard voice to shake. Yesterday, I found myself feeling like I was about nine years old.
I've done hard work on it, but I suppose there are some things about myself that will definitely always be present; however, there is a striking difference in how I experience it, because I'm more aware now. For instance, last week, I cut my own hair, and it was uneven as all hell, and I was thrilled. For the first time in my life, I just let it be choppy, and it felt awesome. To be uneven = OK, no big deal. Suddenly, I didn't need fixing.
Of course, I eventually got a haircut, but I did let the mess sit for a while, and I loved it. May seem like a small change to some, but for me, it was huge. I've noticed that lately, small changes like this are creeping in, and I'm feeling just a little bit freer every day.
And so, let me restart this essay and begin again...
Nothing particularly earth-shattering about this photo, other than I'm here to say that this day is beautiful, like you. And me.
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
