I admit that I like to perform – to speak or read in front of crowds.
I find that these types of experiences energize me but ironically, I
also have a strong internal critic that's a real bear. Every day, I
fight it, and I’m sure everyone experiences this negative dialogue to an
extent -- some worse than others. When it gets bad, I call people,
walk, move, move, move. Riding horses used to help me a great deal.
Baths, meditating, being with animals, being with nature, helping
others, enjoying art, sex, laughter, acting like a goofball -- all of
these things provide temporary relief.
Or I write to you and you and especially you.
As
it is for so many, facing the self-esteem issue has been a long road
for me. As a kid, I had no real solution for my severe depression.
Desperately, my mind sought an outlet, and my brain latched on to my
self-esteem, my physical self, and my ability to achieve, and there was
(and is) a real, constant beating.
Well, the other
day, I was listening to the radio, and I heard a writer talk about her
body view. She told the story of when she visited a California nudist
place and at this particular one, when she ventured into the sauna and
glanced at the other women, she thought that they all had nearly
"flawless" bodies, in terms of society's stereotypical external
standards. From the Midwest, the writer had given birth to two children,
and she knew she was fuller figured than any of the women there. At
first, she felt like she didn't fit in at all, but then she thought
about how each supposed "flaw" on her body actually represented a piece
of her life story.
True, she wasn't living in a perfectly healthy way, but she had the following sudden internal revelation: if she hated her body, she also hated all of the experiences through which her body had carried her. As
the heat sank in, she thought back over her life; she began to honor
the ways that her body told her beautiful tale. Maybe she hadn't had
time to tone up like she wanted to, but that was because she was present
to raise her children and watch them grow. She hadn't always treated
her body well, but it still continued to perform for her. Without
retaliation or resentment, her body had selflessly continued to give
back. It represented who she was, and she realized that she had to love
this outside shell in order to honor her whole being. If she were going
to feel complete, she knew she had to forgive herself and love the
physical form that had carried her on her journey thus far.
Listening,
I thought about the ways that I've daily picked apart my body. But
these strong arms, strong legs, and good balance kept me safe while
riding horses for many years. And later, this body carried me through
yoga. My body has carried me through great trauma, as well as great
healing. With this body, I have given talks to thousands of people. With
these arms, I have hugged many people and animals. Maybe my voice or
smile helped someone laugh. Maybe I helped to save a life. The woman’s
words echoed in my mind. If she hated her body, she also hated all of the experiences through which her body had carried her.
I was reminded that my body is a vessel that represents the richness
present in my life and with this physical self, I have felt and
expressed love, and isn’t that why we are here?
C.A. MacConnell
