I'm not really a religious type, but every now and then, when I get in my super-depressed mode, I picture a group of angels up there in Heaven, just for kicks. There they are -- a whole, white-clad group of blonds who are laughing at me and whispering, "No worries. We've got everything covered." Actually, they're not fully laughing. They're giggling. In spite of my annoying sadness, heaviness, and dark thinking, the vision always makes me chuckle a little.
I need to live in Arizona.
Anyway, in this vision, they're the stereotypical kind of angels -- wings and flowing robes and all. Some have harps, you know. Here and there, a mysterious Renaissance instrument. Not sure why they're usually blond, but they are. Little Shirley Temple curls, the works. Why not. If one is going to have an angel vision, one must go all out, I say. Fuck Santa. My angels could take him out with one swipe of a lute or dulcimer, just saying.
My point is this: all things change. Feelings, situations, people, nature, even my angel vision. Things circle back, but they're always new. What is dark will change to light. What is wet will become dry. And vice versa. Check out those trees. Yes, bare again. But soon, back to full. Might as well just hang on for the ride, because the ride changes too. One day, it's my birthday, and I'm watching a rock show, and I'm in love. Another day, it's Christmas, and I can hear the click of the heater, and I know I missed someone's birthday, but I wonder if he knows my name, and I don't really care anymore (about the name thing, not about the birthday 😀. Sometimes it's nice to just send peace and love, just to do it. I do that all the time). Live, love, laugh, be transparent, forget the rest. That's me. It's so quiet here. Peaceful. There was a time when all I heard was violent yelling outside my window, and all I felt was fear. The angels are right. See, they have it covered. If I hang on, the outsides change along with my insides.
All around me, people talk about children, families. I know none of this. I don't know what it's like to have a baby or greet my husband when he comes home from work. They talk about full-time jobs, steady, big careers. I don't really know this either. Recently, I was at a lunch where I was the only person who had never lived with anyone (besides in a dorm). At first, listening to all of these conversations, I was stumped, unsure what to say or how to add to the talk. Then I thought this: who cares. Those winged ones have a plan for me too.
My New Year's resolution -- to continue to try to fulfill God's plan for me, as best as I know how, which is hilarious and flawed at times, and to honor the differences in the paths of those around me. Maybe angels aren't exactly how I picture them, but I do believe there's something out there, helping me along.
And so I write to you. And I wish you well. I won't be celebrating really, because, well, that's just who I am.
I like this quiet. No worries. We've got everything covered.
C.A. MacConnell
P.S. You might not hear from me much for a while, because while I'm working on getting my young adult book to an agent, I'm going to self publish my second book, The House of Anchor, so that's going to be a huge chore. Coming soon. :) Until then, peace out. I wish you all the love in the Universe!💜💔💝💛💙😁
