This morning, emotionally, I was in a dark place. I suppose that one could call it "trapped in morbid reflection" or "racing thoughts" or "dread of the future" or I dunno, "just plain doom." When I head out on this train of thinking, what happens is this: one simple negative thought like "I'm ugly" or "he hates me" snowballs, and before I know it, I'm feeling extremely low, and yeah, this all may sound strange and/or dangerous to some, but I'm so used to it (it's happened since I was ten), that now, when it hits full force, I just function right through it, although it can wear me out, but I'm a trooper. And ridiculously stubborn.
I'm sure some people can relate. Maybe a lot, I dunno. I suppose we all have our ups and downs -- some more severe than others.
But recently, I've discovered something -- I'm now able to turn the dark thoughts around, and it's happening faster and faster. At one time, it seemed like it took eons for me to resurface. The last few years, it's been three days here and there. But yesterday, I turned the thoughts around after just a few hours. And today, same thing.
I realized something beautiful: where before I was overcome (I'm so used to spiraling there when it happens, it's almost second nature), now I have power over these thoughts, these feelings, no matter how difficult they seem, and I'm much stronger than I ever realized. Still working on it, but it seems like a breakthrough of sorts.
Through some really hard trudging, I find that I'm winning. Amazing. I no longer feel a victim to the dark. When it works, when I stop the thoughts and make myself exist in the moment and experience a true present, I feel empowered.
Nature has played a big part in this discovery. When walking in nature, when the focus is turned to the little things of the moment, it is impossible to delve into a dark past or ominous future. Instead, I focus on the details, and I see the raindrops on the leaves, my friend Argo the dog, the storm clouds rolling in, the ponytail man smoking a Clove, the man working on his thesis or something enormous in the window of a Subway, and the true, soulful look of another human who has been to the darkness like me. I see the sun peeking through, the robins and cicadas, and the lost wire wheel on the side of the road. I see the bumper sticker that reads, "Honk if parts fall off," and then I think, This morning, I was bed-crying, and a few hours later, here I am, laughing again.
I love that saying, This too shall pass. Aye, it is true.
Today's Truth: if you're having a dark day, just remember, it'll eventually turn around, and with practice, like everything else, there can be great change and progress. Hang in there, and soon, you'll be laughing again. Come with me.
Love and hope,
C.A. MacConnell
