P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW!
P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email: right here.
Life. As of late, I've been considering how strong the pull of the "old self" proves to be. I suppose that statement is kind of cool, since I recognize the fact that there is a "new self." Yes.
Daily, I have glimpses of the new peace. I am experiencing a taste of the acknowledgement of my unbelievable strength and courage. I have moments of seeing how amazing my journey has been.
And it has been...amazing. Unbelievable at times.
Like many folks, it's a miracle that I'm still here. Let's just say, I am a fucking warrior. The memoir is already written. That's right, the whole shebang, an entire book. But I feel I wrote it for myself, not to share with the world. Someday I may rewrite and reconsider, I'm not sure.
You see, most days, I'm doing a lot better than I think I am, so to speak. Over the holidays, I had a bumpy spot, for sure, and it is still lingering. "In a rut," as some might say. Indeed.
But as I'm writing to you, I realize the "rut" isn't about losing everything, as I sometimes fear. Instead, it's just a blip that I'm pushing through.
And oftentimes, I'll think it has to do with outside shit. For instance, I'll want to fix things or control the course of my life. But really, what it has to do with is another level of trusting my higher power. Getting to this place has been quite messy, as I've trooped through some ugly feelings. And I'm still trooping, I admit. It has to do with staying put, feeling the feelings, and allowing events to unfold. Tough stuff.
So, here I am.
When I wrote my fifth book, I was thinking a lot about love, all kinds of love. I was longing for it, I suppose. Certainly, I was getting in touch with the child inside. And sometimes, I was longing for love from a person or persons.
Nothing wrong with that. Love between people is beautiful. But there is more...
Now, I'm coming more into a place of learning that speaks of this: the love is already there. There is no need to search. It is all around you. It is within you. Screw the rut. You are stronger than this. I can't say I'm in this place all of the time but when I am, it is magnificent.
As humans, we seek outside reminders, I guess. And the reason for this, in my case, usually stems from shame. And so, when I'm not strong enough, I look to the outside for reinforcement. For me, the "love reminders" come from people, nature, animals, and the like. But it always rolls in, when I ask for the connection.
But really, it's inside. Like people say, You can't find a true soul partner until you love yourself. Easy to say, harder to internalize. <3 And also, it's an impossible expectation to look to one person to fill all of the needs. Rather, it comes from multiple sources.
See where it comes from. Notice. Go there.
Thank you for being here. You are an important part of my journey, sharing these words with me. I'll tell you what I need to hear: you're OK. God loves you, and if you're looking for an answer, just listen. And if you're in a "rut," that's all right; it'll change. It always does. I'm ready to rock and roll. Are you?
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW!
P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email: right here.
Did you ever notice the words that they use in the weather report? I've been checking it out lately, making a note. Or news titles? They repeatedly use words like this: "plummet, warning, dead, recalled, severe, disappointing, loneliness, stuck, haircut, disappeared, money, steer clear, near-death, massacre, top ten, your health, worried, quitting, kidnapped, oppressive"...you get the drift.
When I was little, the news had some scary reports, sure...but it wasn't so driven by fear. There were stories about neighborhoods and displays of kindness. There were highlights of artists. Some days, musicians rocked out live tunes right in the middle of the morning report. Perhaps there was a showcase dedicated to a certain individual who was making a difference, helping folks. Half of the news cast would depict groups gathering together to participate in the community, to do good works.
What has happened? Fear. Fear. Fear. Recently, I heard someone say that there are only two primary emotions: love and fear. If there's fear, there's no love. And fear is a lie.
So, where is the love? Where...is...the...love?
During my workdays, when I'm aware, I see the love all around. I really attempt to focus on the little things...which, in my opinion, are everything. See, these people who consistently touch my heart day in, day out, are golden to me. I have key relationships with folks who trudge through the days with me, and there is great love present within our inside jokes and simple existence. When I think about it right now, it warms my heart. Every day, I'm surrounded by this love, when I see the light. Love can come from various sources. Oftentimes, I expect it to come from one certain source but then, I come upon a surprise, and that particular person may not fill the need, so to speak. Instead, love rolls in from some stranger, or an animal, or an acquaintance, and the like. I always try to appreciate this random love but sometimes, I get caught up in the fear of the world as well.
Notice where the love is coming from, I tell myself. Revel in that.
For everyone, I'm sure it's hard to maintain a distance from the outside pressure of fear at times.
When I think about my life, my goals, my dreams, I suppose this daily love is key in pushing me forward. Big wins are fun, sure, but daily love and connection equal steadier contentment. When I'm aware of this support, I'm more in touch with the divine nature of things as well.
When someone is passing away, no one is present for the show, taking selfies, and the like. We are there to hold a hand, to shed a tear, to be present to for a beautiful life. Real. Genuine. Soulful. And as far as I can tell, none of us are getting out of here alive. And so, the day-to-day fear is a lie. The love is what matters.
Remember. Your heart. Remember. Look around. Focus on the heart of it all.
I am telling myself as well. Fear is a lie. I understand these words, but it's harder to own it, take it to heart, and experience it, living my life through the lens of love.
Today, I am putting this thought at my heart's center.
And also, I don't know. As I walk about my day, I could be a part of someone else's experience of love too. And it may be something extremely necessary, even if I don't even realize my contribution to someone's life. Let me be that person today.
I also heard this: "Are you going to look for the pile of shit? Or are you going to look for the pony?" Ha, I'm trying to see the "pony;" that is, to see the world through the lens of love.
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW!
P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email: right here.
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P.P.P.S. Have a great evening. I intend to. ;) <3 Hope you liked my essay. I've been writing a great deal of music, and it's fun. <3