The Past: Changing the Story
Good morning. I hope that my transparency will help you. I've been sober, in recovery, for 27 years. In that time, I've persevered through enormous mountains...a whole book is being written about these happenings. Honestly, I've never met anyone who has had experiences such as mine. I'm 5'2" and tiny. When people meet me, they have no idea. Looks can be deceiving. If my looks matched my journey, I'd probably have a body like He-man, ha. I suppose that's true for many.
But every day, the journey continues to get deeper; I read a lot of different books, and I use numerous, various tools from outside sources, including everything from natural healing to meditation to professionals, and everything in between. I just keep trying. I may not be perfect, but I'm perfect at "trying."
But this morning, I'm brought back to the basics, a certain wise text, because I am experiencing “… huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 27)
I am experiencing this change in real time, on an extremely deep level. Lately in my life, there have been many setbacks and lessons. All of this has been pointing me to a new challenge every morning, which is this notion: I can choose to be fearful and obsessive, or I can choose to be peaceful and light. At the moment, day to day, as problems come up, whether serious or mundane, I find myself flipping back and forth between these two ways of being.
But now, for me, it is a choice. And that is a new, awesome gift. Uncomfortable and confusing as all hell at times, but it's a gift.
For sure, for much of my life, my reaction to events was not a choice, because the past trauma was too powerful, and I wasn't aware. Now I'm aware, and I'm responsible for my reactions to people, places, events, etc.
Interestingly enough, to someone who's had extreme trauma, feeling peaceful or being happy about good things can rock the system...suddenly, my past kicks in, and my whole being feels like this: oh no, this can't be right, this can't be good, I have to be fearful and controlling, because that's what I know, everything is a mess, and I don't have control, and I'm trapped, and I can't get out, and I'm about to lose everything! I may even have flashbacks or panic, which happened to me one morning this very week. By evening time, I was eating pizza and cookies, and I had turned it around. My whole body and mind tend to want to grab on to what I know, which is crisis, fear, turmoil, feeling trapped, and the like.
But when "what I know" doesn't work anymore, when I have discovered/experienced that there is another way of being, I have to allow that which is unfamiliar to creep in. What is unfamiliar to my body and mind? Peace, lightness, the understanding that I deserve good things, laughter, love, connection, all of the wonderful parts of life that trauma has kept me from experiencing.
It's time to know that I have worked hard, to know that I have moved through the worst of the past, to know that I don't have to keep going back there, to know that I am powerful, to know that all of this is leading me to the light and most importantly, to know that I can even change the story of my past, and to trust that God is leading me to that which I've wanted all along.
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
