A while back, I was teaching yoga, and it was a good-sized class, like 20 people. It went so smooth. I really felt in the zone. Well, when it came time for deep relaxation, it was nice and quiet in there, so I turned the music off and went back to stretch out on my mat and relax with everyone. Well…
Right at that moment, when everyone had their eyes closed, this guy came barreling into the room with his headphones on, and he decided to lift some weights. Since he had those headphones on, he didn’t know he was breathing so loud that it sounded like he was having some rough sex for a long, long time. We could all hear it. I mean, it was so loud.
I kept thinking, I wish he would get off already. I smirked. Then I opened my eyes, and I looked up at one client who was giggling, and I just lost my shit. Then all 20 people started cracking up, and the guy was still breathing and breathing like a horse, absolutely oblivious to the class that was supposed to be going on.
THEN, when everyone was sitting up, I looked over, and the guy was leaving the room, and I saw that the back of his shirt, in big, tattoo-style letters, no lie, read this: “Buttface.” I started laughing again and told everyone what it said, and they started laughing again. Then I said “Namaste.” That’s how I ended the class.
If I would’ve thought quicker, during the relaxation, I would’ve gone up to the dude and said, “Hey, Buttface, can you keep it down? I have a class going on here.” But alas, I wasn’t quick enough. Next time, next time.
…then, later, I was on my way to meet and interview the band, Shiny and the Spoon, when I looked out my car window and saw a man wearing a wolf. I am not joking – it was a dead wolf, the whole damn thing. The wolf head was intact, sitting on top of the man’s head, and the body and legs hung down the man’s back, swinging while he walked. It was the most disgusting thing, and I was like, Dude, where the fuck are the animal rights activists on this one? Wolf man, for real. Is that even legal, ‘cause it was so unpolitically correct it was amusing. I have never seen anything like it, not in this century.
I told Shiny and the Spoon about the wolf man and the legs swinging all disgustingly, and they got a kick out of it, but we were all like, what the hell. Tomorrow, I’m expecting to see someone in a white tiger suit, blood and guts and all. Where is PETA when we need them? I was dumbfounded.
Anyway, heavily breathing buttfaces and wolf men from outta nowhere make for a bizarre week. I’m off to go breathe heavily on someone, then kill a deer with my bare hands and wear it as a parka, hooves and cute little nose and all.
C.A. MacConnell
