Man, this would make the funniest SNL skit.
A 'Tit'illating Morning
A while back, I was at the doctor's office, chilling in the waiting room, reading a Science magazine about the deep, dark workings of the brain. The writing was dry as hell and man, it was quiet in there. The room was packed, and I was deep into reading my article (skimming and popping my gum), when I heard a loud voice announce this: "Hello everyone! I'm here!"
Startled, I looked up.
The voluptuous, loud woman fiercely smiled. Red-faced and perky, she held her tiny newborn baby in a body sling. Swinging her body from one side of the room to the other, she searched for a place to sit.
Well I assumed that's what she was doing. Not the case.
People moved to get up, but the woman shook her head, turning them down on the "here, lady with baby, take my seat" gesture. She waved her arms, swinging that baby around, nearly bowling people over.
I was confused, but oh so intrigued.
Then, without warning, the woman whipped out what appeared to be a 100-pound breast, showing the saucer-sized nipple and all to the world. She stuck the gargantuan nipple in her baby's mouth, and then she proceeded to walk around, talking to people, swinging her large body, the Planet of Boob, and the tiny, sling-bound baby all over the room. She nearly smashed the watermelon-sized milk sack into my face. This was not a case of some woman nursing her baby in a quiet corner, oh no. This woman was standing in the center of the waiting room with a completely visible mammoth-sized tit, and she didn't give a fuck what anyone thought about it.
I looked around. Dude with the People Magazine kept his face buried in his reading. His face was as red as a baboon's ass. Others just looked up and smiled.
Nearly shouting, tit lady walked over to chat it up with the nurses, while that disc of a nipple popped in and out of the baby's mouth. Greeting everyone in the room, the woman then bantered with the nurses about her appointment and all the while, she moved, swung, catapulted, and fired that boob around. It was as if that knocker had a life of its own. For a moment, I wondered if that tit had eyes and a mouth. When the nipple fell out of the baby's mouth, the mother laughed, stuck that amazing teat, her nipple planet, back in its place and then, led by her chest, she moved to chat it up with another waiter.
I thought the poor baby might choke, but he/she seemed as happy as hell. Who wouldn't be thrilled with that never-ending supply of nutrition? Suck, suck, gurgle, gurgle. The sucking sound echoed throughout the waiting room. I was mesmerized by Baby Momma, but it was time for me to see the doc, so I rose up, taking one last look at the size Z boob, wondering if the woman would squirt milk all over the room in some kind of Wild Kingdom protest, but all she did was swing around and chat, swing around and chat.
Cantaloupes, honeydews. I got to thinking, how do women find bras for that kind of thing? I certainly had no idea. I'm all for breast feeding in public, oh yeah, but this bold woman could have easily fed a small nation with one squirt of her magnificent juice.
Mother Earth, in the flesh,
C.A. MacConnell
