Same essay as the post from two days ago, below, if written by a six-year-old girl. Read the first 'The Great Teachers' first. Ha. Just messing around.
Wow, it was so cool. And so strange, I dropped my sucker. I saw this pretty girl, and she told me her name was Laurie, but she talked kinda funny, because she couldn’t hear right, but I guess she got me, because she was real nice, and she talked back all fast. Not like Grandpa, who spits when he talks, but fast. Laurie told me she was once really fat, so she doesn’t eat ice cream, but when I saw her at UDF, when I was ordering my sherbert, rainbow, you know, Laurie was staring at my lips all creepy. She told me she lost 100 pounds, and I almost threw up. Whoa, I’m glad. I had sprinkles and everything.
But I have a secret. I actually met her before! When I was at a boring meeting with my mom, because my mom used to drink cough syrup I think, and it made her fall down all the time, and her face would get all blue. Don’t know why Laurie was at that meeting, but that’s when she first talked to me too loud, and I couldn’t believe she used to be chubby, because she looked like a movie star to me, and most of those people aren’t chubby, but I guess some are. And some have big butts, now that I think about it. I dunno. Anyway, Laurie helped my mom paint her kitchen, which was kind of messy with the yellow, and she talked about heaven a lot, because she thought it sounded happy, I guess. My mom kept having her over, so they were besties, and then my mom and I started going over to Laurie’s house for tater tots, but Laurie could only have five, and I always had at least ten, which made me fart so much.
We went over all the time, and it was fun, because she had some big, scary dogs, but they gave me kisses, and wow, they had bad breath. Gross. I wouldn’t go in there if I was a bad man, though, because those dogs would probably get real mad and eat you.
Whenever we went over to Laurie’s, she stopped cleaning, and we watched movies like Toy Story, which was OK, but I like dog movies or puppets better. I liked to get in my blankie and feel the fur on those dogs. Laurie always tucked me in. We hung out at Laurie’s a lot, and mom and Laurie drank coffee, which gave them bad breath, like the dogs, but I never told them because I’m not mean. Sometimes, Mom and Laurie prayed, but they didn’t make me pray, because I was too little. Laurie stared a lot, because she couldn’t hear, but she let us come over whenever, and she even gave mom a key to the house. So, one time, Mom and I went over when Laurie wasn’t home, and Mom let me fingerpaint on the wall, which was so cool. I thought Laurie might get mad when she got home, but she gave me a high five, so she liked it.
Laurie helped my mom clean and do dishes all the time. I knew she wasn’t our cleaning lady, because we never had one, but she did lots of stuff at the house for no reason at all, which sounds weird. But then, one day, we had to move back to Ohio, because my mom got sick, and we needed Grandma, because Mom didn’t want to drink cough syrup again, I think. So, I missed Laurie when we moved, but I was happy when Mom told me she was really an angel.
Now that we’re back in Ohio, Mom tells me that Laurie was a teacher too, like my teachers at school who make us line up and do the drills, then take us to the lunchroom. Oh my god, I love pizza day. I hate pickles, but my friend Becky eats them every day. Laurie would never make me eat pickles, and I bet she’s fingerpainting right now. Mom tells me that Laurie saved her life, like a superhero. So cool that I met a superhero in real life.
The other day, when Mom dropped me off at school, I heard the big people talking about babies, which I didn’t get, but I know they said people were shooting guns, and some man told some other men to do bad things in Worshington and somewhere past the ocean too. I’ve never been there, but it sounds scary. Mom was crying about Worshington and the ocean, I think, and I sure wished Laurie was there to pop in a frozen pizza, because Mom likes pepperoni. Then I talked about Laurie to Mom, and she stopped crying. Mom tells me Laurie has to be an angel for someone else now, so that’s how come she’s not coming to Ohio.
I love my teacher at school, but we had to learn on the computer for a while, which was so boring, but Mom said we had to because everyone was getting sick, so we had to stay home. But teachers are the best, teachers like Laurie, because she let me fingerpaint and eat tater tots. She never made me eat broccoli, which tastes like grass to me. I know because I tried some once, and it was so gross. I love Laurie. I hope she comes to stay on the couch sometime.
I don’t know about Worshington, and I don’t know why people shoot guns, because they’re so scary on TV, and when the cartoons explode, it looks like it hurts. But I do know I love Laurie. And after my mom met her, she never drank cough syrup again, and she stopped tripping over stuff, and Grandma let us come over again.
When I get big, I want to be like Laurie. I’ll let everyone fingerpaint on my wall. And I don’t care if they come back, because sometimes, when one girl has a sleepover, someone doesn’t get invited, and that’s OK. Laurie taught me that if I don’t get invited, I can just help someone do the dishes or clean, because that’s nice to do. Some girls always get invited, because they’re so cool, but I only go sometimes, and I don’t get mad, because I know Laurie wouldn’t want me to cry over nothing. She even let me roller skate in the kitchen, if that tells you anything.
So if the other girls invite me, I’ll show them how to roller skate in the kitchen, which is so funny. And so hard! I asked mom if we could get a big dog too, so we might go to the pound soon. I’ll have to change my after-school time, though, because I’ll need to walk the dog probably. But I know it’s part of getting bigger. I have to maybe skip my long snack and maybe grab some orange crackers, so I have time to walk the new puppy. And then I’ll show the other girls how to change the snack time and walk the puppy. Maybe, if I’m good, I can save up for a hamster too. But those cages smell bad, because Becky has one, and there’s poo all over, I swear. But I help Becky clean it anyhow, because like Laurie said one time, friends do that kind of thing.
When I look around the kitchen, I think about Laurie, because she was always banging pots around. I loved her macaroni and cheese. I will never forget it, because she always got the animal shaped ones. One time, I heard Mom and Laurie talking about how I was supposed to have a sister, but Mom’s stomach went bad, and they had to take her out and she went to heaven, I guess. Mom didn’t know I heard because I was smiling and eating the cat face noodle.
Anytime I don’t get to stay up late, I think about Laurie and how she didn’t hear right, but she made me feel better if I had a fever, and she never talked about Worshington, like the other big people, who are always shouting at me to eat broccoli.
-- C.A. MacConnell
