In ancient times, in a land far, far away, somewhere cold all of the
time, otherwise known as "nipply," somewhere white where snowmen ruled
the earth and could creepily talk and sing like Burl Ives, there was
born a male child with a bowlful of jelly (Beefeater Gin). It wasn’t a
virgin birth at all. Actually, Grandma Claus got around. Anyway, out of
the womb, the male child came laughing and singing. Of course he was
laughing and singing. He was full of gin. They meant to name him
"Santana," because they believed him to be musically inclined, but it
came out "Santa" by accident.
Santa's first word was
“cookie.” His second words were, “Do boys still like Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles? I think they do, so let me create some out of toothpicks
like MacGyver would.” By the time the male child was 10, his hair was
all white, and he had a beard, so everyone at school made fun of him at
first, but then they were really nice, because they figured out that
Santa could buy them alcohol, since he looked so old. So he laughed with
his bowlful of jelly (Scotch) and went to many parties and looked at
the women snow angels and exclaimed, “Ho, ho, ho!” All of the women got
mad and beat him up until his cheeks were rosy, which was kind of scary
and kind of fun and made puberty interesting.
Back
then, Santa wore red and green tie-dyed shirts and sold “presents” at
school for a living, hiding cash and extra “toys” inside the gap between
his Hanes crew socks and his big black combat boots. His Claus parents
were worried, so they locked Santa in the wood shop to punish him for
being so sneaky. No one in the cold land had ever sold "presents"
before. Santa had no idea what to do, so he smoked his last joint, and
then he became extremely creative. Right then and there, he picked up a
hammer and made a fifty foot doll house. Then he thought, What the
fuck am I going to do with this fifty foot dollhouse? It's so cold
around here, all anybody wants are space heaters from Wall-Mart, and the
market is ridiculously terrible these days with this economy. His
parents became very, very mad at him for cussing, so they made him give
the dollhouse to a pretty girl in the next village, a girl who later
became his wife, Mrs. Claus, but she's a person we won’t mention anymore
because she’s never mentioned much because she’s just there to make
Santa eat. In fact, lets just “X” out the previous sentence all
together. Actually, lately, women are making a comeback, so lets keep
her in but don't tell her.
Anyway, Santa liked the idea
of giving girls presents so much that he couldn’t stop, because Santa
had that kind of personality. Then when he ran out of girls, he realized
that some boys were all right too. He only liked “good” boys and girls,
ones who were quiet and followed the rules. Santa’s parents were
worried for a while, but he made them an outdoor sauna in his wood shop,
so they got all quiet and spent the days in the sauna, getting pruny
and relaxing.
Then Santa popped some acid and began
making mass quantities of brilliant toys in his wood shop, and suddenly,
there were so many toys that he needed serious help. At rehab, Santa
found some big-eared troublemakers -- a gang of Elves who were new in
town, connected with the Old Town Williamsburg mob, and having rumbles
all the time. Santa suggested to the Elves that it might be healing for
them to come check out his presents at the wood shop. So they did. Like
Santa, the Elves got addicted to the presents, so they had to work for
Santa to continue their habit. It worked out beautifully. Side note:
there was a lot of cookie eating, but one of the Elves was a dentist, so
it was no problem.
Everybody was eating a lot of late
night pizza, straight mayo and Doritos, and getting chubby, so they all
needed exercise, so Santa told the Elves they needed to help him deliver
presents on foot to the entire world on one night of the year, which
was some super amazing exercise. Santa picked December 24th, Christmas
Eve, because Jesus appeared to him in a peyote-induced dream and told
him to do that, and he figured he’d better listen.
So
at first, all of the Elves and Santa carried mass amounts of toys all
over the Earth. Wearing long hair and tie-dyes, they traveled by foot,
and they really had to hurry to make it through the oceans in one night.
But they made it. Some houses were hard to break into, so they just
shoved Santa down the chimney, and they could usually escape alarm
systems that way, but sometimes they would run into wild animals and
cobwebs and soot. Every now and then, Santa left presents, and then he
took some things, such as flat screen TVs, pool tables, jewelry, and
sometimes, Chia pets and fruitcakes. He would then wrap these goods up
and deliver them to a neighbor, where he would then “accidentally” pick
up more expensive things and pass them on to the next neighbor.
Ingenious. But sometimes he kept the small stuff that was worth a lot of
money. But he didn’t tell the Elves. He didn’t want them to worry. It
worked really well. Side note: Santa invented recycling.
Not
only did he not get arrested, but everywhere in the lands, people were
leaving him milk and cookies, which was perfect, because on Christmas
Eve trips, he and the Elves always had a wicked case of the munchies.
Grandma and Grandpa Claus were so proud of Santa, they gave him a red
and white suit, a red and white hat, a black belt, a carton of
cigarettes and a noogie.
When Grandma and Grandpa Claus
mysteriously died young in an accident involving carefully placed
icicles, Santa happily came into some cash. He decided he needed to
invest. So he went down the lane, and he got a great deal on a souped-up
magic sleigh from the out-of-business car dealership sale, but then
Santa had no way to pull the sleigh. Even though it was magic, it still
needed help, because the dealership lied about the steering issues. Aha,
Santa repeatedly saw dead deer while he was walking around, because
people were building too many houses and making the deer lose their
homes, which made Santa sad. So he decided to recruit some of the extra
deer to try and pull his sleigh.
At first, the deer
didn’t want to. They wanted to run and play and jump and be deer, but
Santa slipped them some choice deer food one day, which involved
hormones and steroids, and the deer started smiling more and decided to
become a team led by Rudolph, the town deer drunk with the red nose.
From
then on, Santa rode in his souped-up magic sleigh with deer pulling his
way, and together, they all delivered presents to all the good girls
and boys on the night of December 24th. Sometimes, Santa still visits
local Christmas Lands and Malls and Churches, making guest appearances,
where he always wears his red suit, his white beard, his hat, his black
belt and boots, sometimes glasses, and where good boys and girls sit on
his lap and sometimes urinate on him. No worries, when this happens,
Santa looks out at the long line waiting to see him, finding a woman
with a nice rack, looks right at her, laughs with his bowlful of jelly
(Absolut Vodka) and says, “Ho, ho, ho,” then later shows her the magic
Santaland House.
The End
C.A. MacConnell
