C.A. MacConnell
12/31/2019
12/28/2019
12/27/2019
12/22/2019
12/21/2019
The Gruesome Raccoon
A few years back, I was teaching a group riding lesson to three kids.
We were in the indoor ring, because it was winter and suddenly, Flakey
and Cliff, two of the schoolhorses, started to act shifty. Flakey was
definitely twitchy and nervous. Now, Flakey was a nervous type, but I knew him like he was my brother,
and he was acting stranger than usual. Cliff was slightly moving his
big body a little more than normal, which was an effort for Cliff, so
that was odd to me as well. And Buddy, the pony, just stood there, which
was typical of Buddy. Nothing ever got to him, so he was a star
schoolhorse (minus running out of the ring door a few times), but I
really couldn't count on Buddy for any alerts.
Then Flakey backed up, pointing his nose up and down, blowing air through his nostrils.
I thought, Maybe a storm's coming. Maybe the vet's here. Maybe there's a truck coming -- shavings guy or the hay guys. Something of the sort. But then I looked up...and there, dangling from the rafters, was a bear-sized, nonathletic, clumsy-as-hell raccoon. Quickly, I told the students to back up the horses so that the raccoon didn't fall on them. Of course, I assumed that the raccoon wouldn't fall, but I felt like I had to be safe, just in case. Well, the raccoon did indeed fall. And it fell right in the middle of the ring. And the frenzied thing landed in a shuddering lump.
Flakey stomped and pawed at the ground. Cliff moved his big body around. Buddy did nothing.
Then the raccoon stood up on his hind legs.
I figured I could just wave my arms around and scare it away. I thought, Yeah, if that raccoon's bear-sized, I have to act like a bigger bear. Genius. Well, the closer I got, the bigger that raccoon stood up, and I swear that a creepy smile spread across its face. And then I realized that it was probably a rabid raccoon, or that it had been poisoned, so the animal was not even close to being in its right mind, and then the terrible truth became clear: this raccoon wasn't afraid of me at all. So I stood in front of the horses, "protecting them," but I also realized that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.
The raccoon smiled at me, standing taller and taller.
Perhaps it was chuckling, drooling, spitting up poison. At any moment, I thought that it would put on a top hat, some tap shoes, grab a cane, and start dancing around the ring. I'd seen a few raccoons in my day, and I knew they could be somewhat creepy, but this was the most ghoulish raccoon that I had ever seen. And then the creature did do a weird, menacing dance across the ring, and in the process, it came closer and closer to me, until it was only a few feet away.
At one point, I thought it might jump right on top of me. After all, it seemed to have taken a real liking to me, as if mauling my face might be a good idea. I looked back at Flakey.
Big-eyed, I swore Flakey was saying, What the hell do we do?
There was nothing I could do. I could tell the kids to dismount, but I figured they were safer up high. I mean, I sure as hell wasn't safe on the ground. So I just stared at the dancing, sinister, rabid raccoon, stood there, and did nothing. I knew I was powerless.
The standoff lasted about ten minutes, but it felt like three hours. Finally, the beast jerk-walked to the ring door and made its way outside. But before it left the ring, it turned around and looked at me with those glowing, red eyes, slowly crawling away in a lump of gruesome, half-dead, zombie-ish, hair-raising, poisonous, slug-like alien goo, as if it were Jabba the Hutt's dreadful cousin.
I realized that this riding lesson was for me, the teacher. I thought, Sometimes, if I kick back and wait, and follow my instincts, the situation fixes itself, and I don't have to do anything at all. Then I calmly smiled, looked at my wide-eyed students, and asked, "Okay, now whose turn is it?"
C.A. MacConnell
Then Flakey backed up, pointing his nose up and down, blowing air through his nostrils.
I thought, Maybe a storm's coming. Maybe the vet's here. Maybe there's a truck coming -- shavings guy or the hay guys. Something of the sort. But then I looked up...and there, dangling from the rafters, was a bear-sized, nonathletic, clumsy-as-hell raccoon. Quickly, I told the students to back up the horses so that the raccoon didn't fall on them. Of course, I assumed that the raccoon wouldn't fall, but I felt like I had to be safe, just in case. Well, the raccoon did indeed fall. And it fell right in the middle of the ring. And the frenzied thing landed in a shuddering lump.
Flakey stomped and pawed at the ground. Cliff moved his big body around. Buddy did nothing.
Then the raccoon stood up on his hind legs.
I figured I could just wave my arms around and scare it away. I thought, Yeah, if that raccoon's bear-sized, I have to act like a bigger bear. Genius. Well, the closer I got, the bigger that raccoon stood up, and I swear that a creepy smile spread across its face. And then I realized that it was probably a rabid raccoon, or that it had been poisoned, so the animal was not even close to being in its right mind, and then the terrible truth became clear: this raccoon wasn't afraid of me at all. So I stood in front of the horses, "protecting them," but I also realized that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.
The raccoon smiled at me, standing taller and taller.
Perhaps it was chuckling, drooling, spitting up poison. At any moment, I thought that it would put on a top hat, some tap shoes, grab a cane, and start dancing around the ring. I'd seen a few raccoons in my day, and I knew they could be somewhat creepy, but this was the most ghoulish raccoon that I had ever seen. And then the creature did do a weird, menacing dance across the ring, and in the process, it came closer and closer to me, until it was only a few feet away.
At one point, I thought it might jump right on top of me. After all, it seemed to have taken a real liking to me, as if mauling my face might be a good idea. I looked back at Flakey.
Big-eyed, I swore Flakey was saying, What the hell do we do?
There was nothing I could do. I could tell the kids to dismount, but I figured they were safer up high. I mean, I sure as hell wasn't safe on the ground. So I just stared at the dancing, sinister, rabid raccoon, stood there, and did nothing. I knew I was powerless.
The standoff lasted about ten minutes, but it felt like three hours. Finally, the beast jerk-walked to the ring door and made its way outside. But before it left the ring, it turned around and looked at me with those glowing, red eyes, slowly crawling away in a lump of gruesome, half-dead, zombie-ish, hair-raising, poisonous, slug-like alien goo, as if it were Jabba the Hutt's dreadful cousin.
I realized that this riding lesson was for me, the teacher. I thought, Sometimes, if I kick back and wait, and follow my instincts, the situation fixes itself, and I don't have to do anything at all. Then I calmly smiled, looked at my wide-eyed students, and asked, "Okay, now whose turn is it?"
C.A. MacConnell
12/14/2019
Don't tell anyone...
...but THE HOUSE OF ANCHOR is my favorite. Find it here.
Click link for a startling description!
Genius,
C.A. MacConnell
12/13/2019
12/12/2019
12/11/2019
12/10/2019
The Origins of Santa (For Adults Only)
In ancient times, in a land far, far away, somewhere cold all of the
time, otherwise known as "nipply," somewhere white where snowmen ruled
the earth and could creepily talk and sing like Burl Ives, there was
born a male child with a bowlful of jelly (Beefeater Gin). It wasn’t a
virgin birth at all. Actually, Grandma Claus got around. Anyway, out of
the womb, the male child came laughing and singing. Of course he was
laughing and singing. He was full of gin. They meant to name him
"Santana," because they believed him to be musically inclined, but it
came out "Santa" by accident.
Santa's first word was “cookie.” His second words were, “Do boys still like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I think they do, so let me create some out of toothpicks like MacGyver would.” By the time the male child was 10, his hair was all white, and he had a beard, so everyone at school made fun of him at first, but then they were really nice, because they figured out that Santa could buy them alcohol, since he looked so old. So he laughed with his bowlful of jelly (Scotch) and went to many parties and looked at the women snow angels and exclaimed, “Ho, ho, ho!” All of the women got mad and beat him up until his cheeks were rosy, which was kind of scary and kind of fun and made puberty interesting.
Back then, Santa wore red and green tie-dyed shirts and sold “presents” at school for a living, hiding cash and extra “toys” inside the gap between his Hanes crew socks and his big black combat boots. His Claus parents were worried, so they locked Santa in the wood shop to punish him for being so sneaky. No one in the cold land had ever sold "presents" before. Santa had no idea what to do, so he smoked his last joint, and then he became extremely creative. Right then and there, he picked up a hammer and made a fifty foot doll house. Then he thought, What the fuck am I going to do with this fifty foot dollhouse? It's so cold around here, all anybody wants are space heaters from Wall-Mart, and the market is ridiculously terrible these days with this economy. His parents became very, very mad at him for cussing, so they made him give the dollhouse to a pretty girl in the next village, a girl who later became his wife, Mrs. Claus, but she's a person we won’t mention anymore because she’s never mentioned much because she’s just there to make Santa eat. In fact, lets just “X” out the previous sentence all together. Actually, lately, women are making a comeback, so lets keep her in but don't tell her.
Anyway, Santa liked the idea of giving girls presents so much that he couldn’t stop, because Santa had that kind of personality. Then when he ran out of girls, he realized that some boys were all right too. He only liked “good” boys and girls, ones who were quiet and followed the rules. Santa’s parents were worried for a while, but he made them an outdoor sauna in his wood shop, so they got all quiet and spent the days in the sauna, getting pruny and relaxing.
Then Santa popped some acid and began making mass quantities of brilliant toys in his wood shop, and suddenly, there were so many toys that he needed serious help. At rehab, Santa found some big-eared troublemakers -- a gang of Elves who were new in town, connected with the Old Town Williamsburg mob, and having rumbles all the time. Santa suggested to the Elves that it might be healing for them to come check out his presents at the wood shop. So they did. Like Santa, the Elves got addicted to the presents, so they had to work for Santa to continue their habit. It worked out beautifully. Side note: there was a lot of cookie eating, but one of the Elves was a dentist, so it was no problem.
Everybody was eating a lot of late night pizza, straight mayo and Doritos, and getting chubby, so they all needed exercise, so Santa told the Elves they needed to help him deliver presents on foot to the entire world on one night of the year, which was some super amazing exercise. Santa picked December 24th, Christmas Eve, because Jesus appeared to him in a peyote-induced dream and told him to do that, and he figured he’d better listen.
So at first, all of the Elves and Santa carried mass amounts of toys all over the Earth. Wearing long hair and tie-dyes, they traveled by foot, and they really had to hurry to make it through the oceans in one night. But they made it. Some houses were hard to break into, so they just shoved Santa down the chimney, and they could usually escape alarm systems that way, but sometimes they would run into wild animals and cobwebs and soot. Every now and then, Santa left presents, and then he took some things, such as flat screen TVs, pool tables, jewelry, and sometimes, Chia pets and fruitcakes. He would then wrap these goods up and deliver them to a neighbor, where he would then “accidentally” pick up more expensive things and pass them on to the next neighbor. Ingenious. But sometimes he kept the small stuff that was worth a lot of money. But he didn’t tell the Elves. He didn’t want them to worry. It worked really well. Side note: Santa invented recycling.
Not only did he not get arrested, but everywhere in the lands, people were leaving him milk and cookies, which was perfect, because on Christmas Eve trips, he and the Elves always had a wicked case of the munchies. Grandma and Grandpa Claus were so proud of Santa, they gave him a red and white suit, a red and white hat, a black belt, a carton of cigarettes and a noogie.
When Grandma and Grandpa Claus mysteriously died young in an accident involving carefully placed icicles, Santa happily came into some cash. He decided he needed to invest. So he went down the lane, and he got a great deal on a souped-up magic sleigh from the out-of-business car dealership sale, but then Santa had no way to pull the sleigh. Even though it was magic, it still needed help, because the dealership lied about the steering issues. Aha, Santa repeatedly saw dead deer while he was walking around, because people were building too many houses and making the deer lose their homes, which made Santa sad. So he decided to recruit some of the extra deer to try and pull his sleigh.
At first, the deer didn’t want to. They wanted to run and play and jump and be deer, but Santa slipped them some choice deer food one day, which involved hormones and steroids, and the deer started smiling more and decided to become a team led by Rudolph, the town deer drunk with the red nose.
From then on, Santa rode in his souped-up magic sleigh with deer pulling his way, and together, they all delivered presents to all the good girls and boys on the night of December 24th. Sometimes, Santa still visits local Christmas Lands and Malls and Churches, making guest appearances, where he always wears his red suit, his white beard, his hat, his black belt and boots, sometimes glasses, and where good boys and girls sit on his lap and sometimes urinate on him. No worries, when this happens, Santa looks out at the long line waiting to see him, finding a woman with a nice rack, looks right at her, laughs with his bowlful of jelly (Absolut Vodka) and says, “Ho, ho, ho,” then later shows her the magic Santaland House.
The End
C.A. MacConnell
Santa's first word was “cookie.” His second words were, “Do boys still like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I think they do, so let me create some out of toothpicks like MacGyver would.” By the time the male child was 10, his hair was all white, and he had a beard, so everyone at school made fun of him at first, but then they were really nice, because they figured out that Santa could buy them alcohol, since he looked so old. So he laughed with his bowlful of jelly (Scotch) and went to many parties and looked at the women snow angels and exclaimed, “Ho, ho, ho!” All of the women got mad and beat him up until his cheeks were rosy, which was kind of scary and kind of fun and made puberty interesting.
Back then, Santa wore red and green tie-dyed shirts and sold “presents” at school for a living, hiding cash and extra “toys” inside the gap between his Hanes crew socks and his big black combat boots. His Claus parents were worried, so they locked Santa in the wood shop to punish him for being so sneaky. No one in the cold land had ever sold "presents" before. Santa had no idea what to do, so he smoked his last joint, and then he became extremely creative. Right then and there, he picked up a hammer and made a fifty foot doll house. Then he thought, What the fuck am I going to do with this fifty foot dollhouse? It's so cold around here, all anybody wants are space heaters from Wall-Mart, and the market is ridiculously terrible these days with this economy. His parents became very, very mad at him for cussing, so they made him give the dollhouse to a pretty girl in the next village, a girl who later became his wife, Mrs. Claus, but she's a person we won’t mention anymore because she’s never mentioned much because she’s just there to make Santa eat. In fact, lets just “X” out the previous sentence all together. Actually, lately, women are making a comeback, so lets keep her in but don't tell her.
Anyway, Santa liked the idea of giving girls presents so much that he couldn’t stop, because Santa had that kind of personality. Then when he ran out of girls, he realized that some boys were all right too. He only liked “good” boys and girls, ones who were quiet and followed the rules. Santa’s parents were worried for a while, but he made them an outdoor sauna in his wood shop, so they got all quiet and spent the days in the sauna, getting pruny and relaxing.
Then Santa popped some acid and began making mass quantities of brilliant toys in his wood shop, and suddenly, there were so many toys that he needed serious help. At rehab, Santa found some big-eared troublemakers -- a gang of Elves who were new in town, connected with the Old Town Williamsburg mob, and having rumbles all the time. Santa suggested to the Elves that it might be healing for them to come check out his presents at the wood shop. So they did. Like Santa, the Elves got addicted to the presents, so they had to work for Santa to continue their habit. It worked out beautifully. Side note: there was a lot of cookie eating, but one of the Elves was a dentist, so it was no problem.
Everybody was eating a lot of late night pizza, straight mayo and Doritos, and getting chubby, so they all needed exercise, so Santa told the Elves they needed to help him deliver presents on foot to the entire world on one night of the year, which was some super amazing exercise. Santa picked December 24th, Christmas Eve, because Jesus appeared to him in a peyote-induced dream and told him to do that, and he figured he’d better listen.
So at first, all of the Elves and Santa carried mass amounts of toys all over the Earth. Wearing long hair and tie-dyes, they traveled by foot, and they really had to hurry to make it through the oceans in one night. But they made it. Some houses were hard to break into, so they just shoved Santa down the chimney, and they could usually escape alarm systems that way, but sometimes they would run into wild animals and cobwebs and soot. Every now and then, Santa left presents, and then he took some things, such as flat screen TVs, pool tables, jewelry, and sometimes, Chia pets and fruitcakes. He would then wrap these goods up and deliver them to a neighbor, where he would then “accidentally” pick up more expensive things and pass them on to the next neighbor. Ingenious. But sometimes he kept the small stuff that was worth a lot of money. But he didn’t tell the Elves. He didn’t want them to worry. It worked really well. Side note: Santa invented recycling.
Not only did he not get arrested, but everywhere in the lands, people were leaving him milk and cookies, which was perfect, because on Christmas Eve trips, he and the Elves always had a wicked case of the munchies. Grandma and Grandpa Claus were so proud of Santa, they gave him a red and white suit, a red and white hat, a black belt, a carton of cigarettes and a noogie.
When Grandma and Grandpa Claus mysteriously died young in an accident involving carefully placed icicles, Santa happily came into some cash. He decided he needed to invest. So he went down the lane, and he got a great deal on a souped-up magic sleigh from the out-of-business car dealership sale, but then Santa had no way to pull the sleigh. Even though it was magic, it still needed help, because the dealership lied about the steering issues. Aha, Santa repeatedly saw dead deer while he was walking around, because people were building too many houses and making the deer lose their homes, which made Santa sad. So he decided to recruit some of the extra deer to try and pull his sleigh.
At first, the deer didn’t want to. They wanted to run and play and jump and be deer, but Santa slipped them some choice deer food one day, which involved hormones and steroids, and the deer started smiling more and decided to become a team led by Rudolph, the town deer drunk with the red nose.
From then on, Santa rode in his souped-up magic sleigh with deer pulling his way, and together, they all delivered presents to all the good girls and boys on the night of December 24th. Sometimes, Santa still visits local Christmas Lands and Malls and Churches, making guest appearances, where he always wears his red suit, his white beard, his hat, his black belt and boots, sometimes glasses, and where good boys and girls sit on his lap and sometimes urinate on him. No worries, when this happens, Santa looks out at the long line waiting to see him, finding a woman with a nice rack, looks right at her, laughs with his bowlful of jelly (Absolut Vodka) and says, “Ho, ho, ho,” then later shows her the magic Santaland House.
The End
C.A. MacConnell
