Wrote this just now. Thinking about Larry Gross, who was my editor in CityBeat's Living Out Loud column for eight years. <3, C.A.
When to Stay
Indeed, I am grounded in this town, but I am quite a passionate person. This comes in handy with my writing, with pressing through tough times, with all of my artistic endeavors, with my family connection, with my love for nature, with my stubbornness in the arena of dream pursuit, and with loving others deeply and soulfully. This passionate side doesn't come in handy in situations that call up my childhood fears, such as when I feel less than, "heavy and ugly," belittled, or overwhelmed.
And due to trauma, my biggest trigger is this: feeling trapped.
What do I want to do when these fears arise? Run. Run like hell. Run and not look back. Disappear absolutely. Go to Arizona. Go to Seattle. Go to...anywhere but where I am. Now, there's nothing wrong with adventures. I love adventures, but I've found that when I'm feeling the insane urge to move, move, move because I feel trapped, it's always a good idea to do this: wait.
Ah, fuck, even as I'm writing that I'm groaning.
I hate waiting. But my spiritual adviser often tells me that when I feel a burst of powerful emotions, when I feel like acting out from some wild, "trapped" place, I should wait, sit with it, be with it, let it pass, and then act. She is wise, indeed. Because when I feel trapped, when I feel that crazed urge that tells me to split, if I work through it instead, I live and learn and connect with people. But it's well-ingrained in my nature to disappear and continue the marathon, fear-induced, "escape" pattern.
Shrug.
When I feel powerful emotions, take a moment, wait, and allow the racing thoughts to pass, I learn how to process the thoughts and become a better friend to someone at work. I learn how to be a better coworker in general. I learn how to hold tight in a relationship when it gets tough. I learn to leave a relationship with a friend when the time is right. I learn how to deal with emotions and trudge through the passage of time, rather than ignoring my soul's need to grow.
I learn how to do this: stay.
Sitting with emotions is definitely not in my nature. But practicing these principles is teaching me so much about how to better connect with people. Hey, my whole life, I've wanted true love; that is, a lasting partner, a friend and lover, some magic. Perhaps a higher power is teaching me just how I will experience this, through time and practice.
Perhaps I already have it.
And right now, I am thinking about how privileged I am to be clean, sober, and able to stop and muse about these things. I have A/C (granted, it hardly works, but I have it, ha). I have hot water, a safe place to live, a car that's badass in my opinion (not fancy, just mine). I can leave my apartment and go get groceries if I want. I can walk and talk and see and write, and then some. Someone helped me pay for my damn root canal. I am truly lucky.
And I can type to you about lofty ideas, such as how to push through traumatic reactions, not react, grow, and become a better person. Indeed, I can...stay.
C.A. MacConnell
