'American Beauty' - Thomas Newman (from the 'plastic bag scene')

Photo: Gracie

Gracie

Heyman Talent Agency, Cincinnati

C.A. MacConnell

Photos: Leap 1,2,3

 

Some of my favorites in my collection. Enjoy the shots. I find these comforting and inspiring. Hope you do as well.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Something Greater

Something Greater

Miami Meadows

C.A. MacConnell

Ah, Rejection

As an author, over time, I've received a slew of rejection letters, a whole hell of a lot of criticism, endless feedback, comments and emails and letters...you name it. As it goes for any artist, really. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. Sometimes I win big, and yes, sometimes I'm in the gutter. From hot sex to crying by my lonesome. From a scorcher to a hailstorm. Redwoods to toothpicks.

You get the drift.

And any human being, no matter the profession, has to be prepared for a lifetime full of rejection. Maybe you didn't make the high school basketball team. Maybe that rocker guy fell for another girl. Or maybe, he's just not into you. Maybe that girl married another girl, not you. Maybe your parents slammed your new idea to become a sculptor. Or, your best friend found another best friend and quietly drifted away, disappearing. No gadget can find him. He doesn't want you to find him.

Yes, rejection comes in many forms, and sometimes it feels like several rejections appear in my life all at once. Maybe several different losses creep in together. I'd like to say that I immediately bounce back from rejection, but I don't. I turn things around in my head, lose sleep, beat myself up, swallow hesitantly with that lump in my throat, you know. It's all part of the process, and it takes me a while sometimes. I may sit in the losses for a spell, and the feelings can be fierce.

But eventually, I decide this:  whatever it was, it was not the right fit, or it was not in the universe's plan for me, or it was just a really fucking funny mistake. That's possible too. Maybe some situations have no meaning at all, other than this:  how will I respond and react?

But after I mull it all over, acceptance comes in, and I realize that I have everything I need on the inside, without the outside approval. And with acceptance comes some muscle. Suddenly, after pushing through another rejection, I have a keener sense of my own vision. I am better able to freely explore who I really am, which, in turn, allows me to find the right fit, the job that does work, the relationship that sings, the friendship like no other. He or she will crack me up.

Rejection clears the way so that I can refocus and move into a deeper place of connection and truth.

C.A. MacConnell

Jeans

flash poetry for you. Right here, right now, C.A.

Jeans

Maybe you live
here.

Maybe I'll be
back.

Hands in pockets,
I see the twisty
driveway. 

I see the castle,
someone else's shack.

No matter.

One dog, two cats.

A slate roof.
The attic room,
a cone.

The fence,
belt-looping
dandelions.

The shutters,
fitting the frame
like thin,
broken jeans
hugging skin.

Maybe you live
here.
I'll be wearing
faded black.

I ache for the casual
silence.

Maybe you live here.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: You Will Be Rewarded for Your Courage

You Will Be Rewarded for Your Courage

C.A. MacConnell

F'n Rad Road Ragers.

Comedy for you today. Woohoo! <3 C.A.

F'n Rad Road Ragers

Back when I taught yoga, I was driving through the hilly streets, cruisin’ along nice and slow (okay, I was speeding and late as usual), listening to a new yoga CD my buddy sent me from L.A., testing it out (always good to test out yoga music before using it in class…I learned that lesson the hard way. One time I accidentally started a class with Led Zeppelin). Anyway, so I was getting my serenity on, when I looked to my left and there, at a stop light, two cars were running, but both were still sitting there when the light turned green. Very suspicious…

A gargantuan, terrifying, well-toned, enraged Big Man jumped out of the second car, and he half-leaped right up to the window of the first car. Leaning in, he put his face right in front of the skinny, young Kid in the first car. Then the Big Man screamed, “I’m gonna kill you, mother! I’m gonna skin you. Woohoo! I’m gonna fuckin' kill you!”

I’m not sure why he wanted to kill the Kid, but the “Woohoo” made it all the more ultra creepy. And all in all, it made for incredibly interesting background noise to my yoga music. Ah, the serene sounds of the streets of home. Wide-eyed, tuning in, I thought, What if we created yoga hard core street music? It would sound something like this: “Om, shanti, I’m goin ta kill you mofo, skin you alive. Peace, Peace.” Perhaps it wouldn’t be a bestseller, but if you can hold a tree pose or handstand to “I’m goin ta skin you alive,” then dayum, you are one crazy spiritual human, if you ask me, and you don’t even need to be doing yoga. Fly right on outta earth, because you should be catapulted to planet heaven or some shit, as far as I’m concerned.

Now here’s the ridiculous part. The wimpy-looking Kid was yelling back.

Dear Kid, I have some news for you. Big Man wanted to skin you alive, kill you, and he meant it, and he was enormous, and he could easily flatten your ass. The only reason he didn’t was because his wife begged him to calm down, and it took some work. But if the Big Man felt so inclined, we’re talking messy steamroller action here. So Kid, it would’ve been a good idea for you to just sit in your car and cry, bro. I mean, not just tear up, but really cry -- blubbery and snotty and shit. Or at least apologize for whatever stupid thing you did before the light changed. Just sayin. Because, here we had a case of this...


versus this:


I would’ve sucked it up, if I were the wimpy Kid. I mean, I’m one tough person for real, and I’ve been known to stand up for myself in some ridiculous scenarios on the streets, but holy crap, I’m no dumbass, and if that Big Man screamed that shit at me, I don’t care how pissed I was, I’d be offering to wash his car and give him cookies. I mean, there’s a time to talk back, but there’s also a time to be smart and suck it up and kiss the scary Big Man's ass and buy him a choco malt or some cookie dough ice cream with sprinkles and take him on over to the auto-car wash and soap suds up his SUV and dry that fucker with a goddamn Kleenex.

Woohoo,
C.A. MacConnell

💞💞💞💞💞

Photo: Third Wheel

Third Wheel

Miami Meadows

C.A. MacConnell 🐍

Photo.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Koi

Koi

Miami Meadows

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: House

House

Milford, OH

My favorite house.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Friends

Friends

The Gorge Trail.

C.A. MacConnell

When to Stay.

Wrote this just now. Thinking about Larry Gross, who was my editor in CityBeat's Living Out Loud column for eight years. <3, C.A.

When to Stay

Indeed, I am grounded in this town, but I am quite a passionate person. This comes in handy with my writing, with pressing through tough times, with all of my artistic endeavors, with my family connection, with my love for nature, with my stubbornness in the arena of dream pursuit, and with loving others deeply and soulfully. This passionate side doesn't come in handy in situations that call up my childhood fears, such as when I feel less than, "heavy and ugly," belittled, or overwhelmed.

And due to trauma, my biggest trigger is this:  feeling trapped.

What do I want to do when these fears arise? Run. Run like hell. Run and not look back. Disappear absolutely. Go to Arizona. Go to Seattle. Go to...anywhere but where I am. Now, there's nothing wrong with adventures. I love adventures, but I've found that when I'm feeling the insane urge to move, move, move because I feel trapped, it's always a good idea to do this:  wait.

Ah, fuck, even as I'm writing that I'm groaning.

I hate waiting. But my spiritual adviser often tells me that when I feel a burst of powerful emotions, when I feel like acting out from some wild, "trapped" place, I should wait, sit with it, be with it, let it pass, and then act. She is wise, indeed. Because when I feel trapped, when I feel that crazed urge that tells me to split, if I work through it instead, I live and learn and connect with people. But it's well-ingrained in my nature to disappear and continue the marathon, fear-induced, "escape" pattern.

Shrug.

When I feel powerful emotions, take a moment, wait, and allow the racing thoughts to pass, I learn how to process the thoughts and become a better friend to someone at work. I learn how to be a better coworker in general. I learn how to hold tight in a relationship when it gets tough. I learn to leave a relationship with a friend when the time is right. I learn how to deal with emotions and trudge through the passage of time, rather than ignoring my soul's need to grow.

I learn how to do this:  stay.

Sitting with emotions is definitely not in my nature. But practicing these principles is teaching me so much about how to better connect with people. Hey, my whole life, I've wanted true love; that is, a lasting partner, a friend and lover, some magic. Perhaps a higher power is teaching me just how I will experience this, through time and practice.

Perhaps I already have it.

And right now, I am thinking about how privileged I am to be clean, sober, and able to stop and muse about these things. I have A/C (granted, it hardly works, but I have it, ha). I have hot water, a safe place to live, a car that's badass in my opinion (not fancy, just mine). I can leave my apartment and go get groceries if I want. I can walk and talk and see and write, and then some. Someone helped me pay for my damn root canal. I am truly lucky.

And I can type to you about lofty ideas, such as how to push through traumatic reactions, not react, grow, and become a better person. Indeed, I can...stay.

C.A. MacConnell

Short Story: While You're Down There.

A fiction sample for you, from the archives. Much love, C.A.


While You're Down There

by C.A. MacConnell

Stifling. The air. A hot, damp, thick Seattle summer evening. Seven-thirty on the nose, it was time for Charlie to head home. She scanned the crowd and spat. It was her secret, buried bad side that flew out of her mouth only when no one was looking. A simple thing - spitting - but it felt good. It seemed like she had spent her entire life with her mouth pursed in a tight petal, acting demure. Spitting, every now and then, gave her a tiny, wet release. When no one was looking.

Standing at the entrance to Seattle's Pike Place Market, Charlie removed her apron. Under the apron, Charlie was thin. Well put together. She was thirty-three, but she looked twenty-six, give or take a few.

With a bony finger, she tucked her hair behind her right ear. For ten years, she'd maintained neat, straight, brown hair with short bangs. She slid on bug-style, sexy sunglasses, hiding her deep brown eyes.

Moving forward, Charlie waited to cross the street. Wind blew at her dress enough to reveal her pale, clean, long legs, and her slender ankles. When she went out, anywhere, she wore dresses with closed-toe sandals. Market rules on shoes. Calf-high boots in the winter. Her classy look never varied. When she walked the Seattle streets, heads turned.

The lights were taking forever. Red. No change. A dirty skate kid rolled up, handing her a flyer for the latest show at the Seattle Art Museum.

Charlie read the brochure, then tore it to shreds. At heart, she was a painter, but she never painted anymore. Not for ten years.

For ten years, she'd lived in the city of rain. Ten years. No variation. For spending cash, she worked at The Market. The job was filthy, and the hours were long, but it was simple. Charlie was wickedly smart, but she liked the grunt job. It gave her an excuse to have short, rough nails. Besides spitting, this was her only flaw. Bad hands. And being part of the downtown scene was all that she had left of her creative side. She took home leftover produce, and she liked the ease of it. Among all market employees, Charlie stood out. Everyone thought she was spitting gorgeous. Daily, men and women whistled at her. So she stayed. For ten years.

Something must be wrong with the light, Charlie thought. No change. Still, she stood there waiting, sweating, and musing about her life. Ten hours a day, four days a week, her job was to stand with a dripping, half-cut nectarine and force testers on the tourists. To the boss, fruits and vegetables were gold. Charlie’s stand was the largest in The Market. Daily, tourists weaved through her aisles, squeezing skins; what they took home had to feel ripe.

When they packed in on her at lunchtime, Charlie gave it her all. She'd yell, "Last chance! Eastern Washington nectarines and peaches! Come and get 'em!" over and over until, on the busiest days, her voice turned hoarse. Sexed-up.

--
For ten years, Charlie had taken the same route home.

She still hadn't gone far. Still waiting on the damn light. All around her, people started shifting and complaining, but Charlie said nothing. She waited. Like a sniper, she waited. As usual, in each hand, she carried a plastic bag full of avocados, lettuce, peaches, almonds, and more. One bag split. She paused to check the damage. She'd lost everything. She shrugged, littered, and finally walked forward. One bag was enough for her and Danny, her husband, anyway.

But when she neared the bus stop, when she looked up again, she saw someone strange and new. There was a man, an oddly young, white-haired man; he was heading toward Seattle's Best Coffee. Quickly. On a mission, perhaps. The man looked cool. Retro.

Charlie thought about stiff Danny. A handsome, slick computer suit. She and Danny were a horrific match. They both said so daily. But they stayed together, acting out parts in their modern, cold apartment uptown. It held angular furniture, the kind that looked better than it felt. What kept them together was the sex, and the codependency that Charlie knew everything about, but she didn't care. Long ago, she'd decided that she wasn't changing anytime soon. "Anytime soon" had turned into ten years of Charlie waiting on Danny and his cocaine to come home.

The white-haired man stopped in front of Seattle's Best Coffee, studying the building.

Curious, Charlie watched him. Her stomach hurt, gurgled. Then she felt her gut start to boil, as if it might rupture. She put a hand at her aching belly. Something seemed wrong.

Danny always thought it was cute. Her shrugging, her spitting silence, her stomach aches.

Charlie liked the sex.

The white-haired one rocked from foot to foot, the way Charlie's fish stand lover did. The fish guys were two stands down from her stand. While the boss timed her, during Charlie's coffee breaks, she watched the men throw salmon. Hands gloved in slime, the fish men sang to the tourists, reeling them in, smiling and wiping grimy fingers on grimy aprons that were already black from the day before. Daily, Charlie imagined their hands turning into slick, human fins. Danny had taken away many of her things -- her paints, her brushes, and her blank canvases -- but Danny couldn't steal her imagination. This, and the spitting and the sharks, was Charlie's little secret.

For ten years, she'd been picking up sharks, banging them. Her current one was twenty-three, and he had quite the stamina. Kid was always asking Charlie to leave Danny and run away to Portland, but when he looked at her with watery blue eyes, begging, "Please," Charlie shrugged and answered, "Maybe." She'd said "maybe" to a different shark for ten years. Please, please, please.

The white-haired man wasn't moving. Customers slipped in and out of Seattle's Best, and he stood there, staring at the window.

Charlie had never seen him near the Market. Not a customer or worker. She studied the back of him.

He wore slick black gloves. Black combat boots, a black leather jacket. Too many layers for summer.

Charlie moved closer.

The white-haired man slowly reached inside his jacket, pulling out a black gun.

Drooling, Charlie put a hand over her mouth.

Slowly, he aimed the gun at the glass window of Seattle's Best Coffee and shot. Then he stood there smiling, watching people run.

Behind him, like a firm statue, Charlie waited. Maybe he'll kill himself, she thought. But he didn't. It didn't seem like he was looking for money or blood. Charlie spat.

Everywhere, people scattered into alleys. Even after the shatter, the screams, and finally, the sirens, the white-haired man stood still, putting his gun on the ground, surrendering, hands up.

While they cuffed him, he looked back at Charlie.

Amidst the chaos, she was the only one standing out in the open. A still, naked, easy target.

The shooter's expression remained flat, expressionless. His v-shaped mouth was closed tight, upturned at the corners like an envelope's seal. Then he smiled at her.

Charlie shrugged. For a second, she thought about smiling back, but people were looking. Still hiding, but they were looking. The shooter's only visible audience, she stood tall, full of rage and peace and utter fear and no one was near. No one came out of hiding. She felt like her body might split in two, and half of her would roll away like a splintering, wooden wheel. She'd never felt so bare, so exposed. No more than a blank piece of thin, wet paper about to tear.

Repeatedly, the shooter turned his head to look at her. He smiled one last time before the cops got rough. When the police hauled him away in a dark cruiser, the sky leaked rain.

She'd better get home. Surely, Danny was waiting, wanting her to make him a meal. But for some reason, it felt good to connect with a criminal. Charlie had never even stolen a single grape.

Nobody died that night.

--
The next morning, Charlie didn't kiss Danny, because she knew he hated her strawberry lip-gloss.

They had sex on the kitchen table.

In his stiff suit, Danny gave her a stiff hug and left.

As usual, wearing a pretty dress and sandals, she took the bus to work.

Mornings, Charlie had to carefully arrange the fruit and vegetables to attract people. Colors sucked them in. She was good with colors. But numbers were difficult. Sometimes, she cheated customers. Sometimes, they cheated Charlie. But she figured it all worked out in the end, one way or another.

Lunchtime. It happened every day. When she bent down to pull out a crate of nectarines, her boss laughed and said, "While you're down there, why don’t you do me a favor?" He said this when her eyes were level with his zipper. His mustache was thick, a spongy mess hanging over his lip.

Charlie thought about peeling him, but she smiled, shrugged, turned, and became good and quiet, hauling out the heavy crate, acting like nothing happened. For ten years, she acted like nothing happened.

"Last chance. Come and get 'em," Charlie muttered to the tourists.

On her way home that night, it rained hard. She accepted the feel and kept on walking, oblivious, imagining she was in the desert.

At the bus stop, she thought about Danny saving her from Dr. Mom and Dr. Dad. When Charlie was ten, she got a "B" once, which made her sniffle.

Mom said, "Suck it up, Charlotte. Life's rough. Work harder."

Mom and Dad were doctors who liked to save the world. To Charlie, Mom was a Type A bitch, and Dad was a shoe sole.

After the "B," Charlie made an apple wood carving in Art class. Because it looked so real, and she was hungry, she bit into it. She got splinters in her teeth. And a bloody lip. Other kids laughed at her. Laughed and laughed. Charlie decided that day to never, ever create anything that real again. Then, when no one was looking, she spat.

Her bus came and went. Charlie sat still. After ten years of Danny, uptown, thick silence, suits and sex on hard, angular chairs, Charlie's teeth chattered. She felt a subtle, stirring anger, and then full-on fury bled into her. She pictured Danny coming home from the office, wearing his fresh-pressed suit, and his striped, expensive tie. She pictured Danny opening and shutting and opening and shutting the blinds. She pictured him doing lines on the glass den table, then leaving without a word. Then she saw him returning at six a.m., redressing, wanting sex and breakfast.

Always home by eight p.m. Ten years of home by eight. She should be there, boiling something.

Another bus came. And went.

People did what doctors told them to do. If Charlie didn't, Dr. Mom would give her that look, and that look meant that no matter what, Charlie was no more than bruised fruit. Suck it up, Charlotte. Life's rough. Rough enough to give her splinters. Later, alone, she had to pick them out of her lip, in the basement, in the dark, tasting blood and spitting and tasting blood until it tasted good.

Then Charlie thought about the shooter. She thought about his nature -- unpredictable and cool. She thought about what she could do, since she wasn't home, boiling dinner. She could find her lover, the kid shark. Please. Maybe. No. She had another idea.

She returned to the bus stop. Here it came. It was the wrong bus to take her home, but suddenly, it was the right bus to Charlie. Why not, she thought. Why not just get on the wrong bus, get off at the wrong stop, and stay there. Forever. Why not.

Riding, she pressed her pale face to the window, watching the human blur outside. Another bus, then another, a few cell calls, and she arrived where they were holding him, the shooter.

She crossed the street without looking. Suddenly, feeling was everything. The rain was the bullet kind. All around, people ran for cover. No control over the weather and the way the peaches weren't ripe yet. They came around with time. Danny was probably home, nursing a bloody nose, wondering why she wasn't there, slicing pears.

She acted slutty with the officers, getting the shooter's name. Aaron something. She sketched it down.

For ten years, Charlie had access to Danny's money. For ten years, she'd refused to borrow cash. But she remembered the passwords. All letters. Letters came easy to her. A few calls to Key Bank, a few emails on her cell, a few transfers, presto. Finally, she had a reason to harvest the goods.

That summer, jails were overflowing. It wasn't hard to bail Aaron out.

Aaron's white hair was slick. His big eyes were shaped like sideways avocados, turning into pistachios when he squinted at her.

Charlie picked at the remnants of mushrooms under her nails.

Aaron came forward to the free side.

Side by side, they walked like any old couple. Criminal and artist, interchangeable.

Aaron put his jacket around her shoulders. His eyes opened and changed. More like plums.

Charlie thought of pistachios. She loved them until the boss saw Charlie breaking shells with her teeth, and he gave her that look that said, While you're down there.

Danny might be calling the cops, looking. No, he wouldn't want them finding his coke. Either way, right then, there was nothing better than wild, convict Aaron and the rain. That was enough.

Together, they took the bus to Aaron's pad, a dive in Belltown.

Inside, when Aaron kissed her, he kissed her. He swallowed her. He sucked her in. Lip to lip, he held her there. She felt him grow into her. She felt her insides tear.

His hair moved like white fire.

Aaron rested his head on her blue dress, and they slept this way.

--
In the morning, Charlie stretched out naked on the futon. Her body tingled, feeling new.

Aaron looked strangely peaceful, lightly snoring on his side.

She slipped a pretty dress over her head, ran her fingers over her bangs, smoothing them, and stood, looking around.

Aaron's place was simple. One knife, one fork, one pan. No clutter.

She made coffee. Seattle's Best. Black. She felt cold, damp, chilled, as if she were inside a melon. Sipping from the mug, she tiptoed around, rummaging, finding Aaron's other gun under a couch pillow.

She slipped the gun into her purse. One last time, she looked at him. Aaron was strange, dangerous and beautiful, and he had never even spoken to her. She thought about poking him, just to make sure he was real. She thought about squeezing him, testing his age. Then she decided that it was better to wonder. In the moments with Aaron, words had been replaced by lips, jackets, and the sound of his and her breath, breath and only breath, breath alone. With him, she was fresh juice. She was thirsty and alive.

Quietly, she slipped out the door like a thin letter. Heading to work, she felt pensive and alert. She hadn't missed a day in ten years, and she wasn't about to break that vine. When the rain came down hard enough, Charlie drank it. She had to finish things with the boss.

Morning wasn't bad. Charlie weighed apples and caught bananas, yelling, "Last chance! Eastern Washington nectarines and peaches! Come and get 'em! Last chance!" She was perky. She sold it like a lady.

Around lunchtime, Charlie had a bad taste in her mouth. She was sick of hard furniture, lists, and bringing home leftovers. She was sick of Danny leaving, coming home, leaving, sick of his missing nose cartilage, sick of lines on the table, the fruit, the bruises, the fruit, the skins. Nothing was ever fully skinned, edible, tangible, real, whole. No matter how much she touched handsome Danny, he was never better, never ripe.

"Come and get 'em!" she yelled. "Last chance!"

The boss was rotten too. People could be tricky. She could get too close, and they locked her up, and no matter how gorgeous the house or the market colors were, they were still prisons. Suck it up, Charlotte. Life's rough. This much was clear.

The boss cracked his knuckles over and over, like he was trying to get at a nut's insides. Crack, crack, crack. He had leftover lunch on his mustache.

Charlie fixed the fruit, and when she bent down, when her mouth was level with the boss' zipper, when he said, "While you're down there," she reached her hand inside her purse, pulling out her bug-style sunglasses, slipping them on. Then she reached deeper, finding the cold gun with her bad hands.

She shot at the star fruit, the kiwis, and all of the produce until guts were everywhere. The boss screamed, running down the aisle, backing his fat body against the fish stand.

Smiling, Charlie stood still, holding the gun loosely.

The boss' eyes widened, apricot-sized. Then he covered his face with his hands, crouching low in front of the fish stand's glass case.

She raised the gun again, pointing it at his apron. She said, "While you're down there," smiling. Her finger brushed the trigger.

Then she spotted the blue-eyed kid, her lover shark, who had a wicked tremor going on. He stood up tall, moving his skinny body between Charlie and the boss, right in the line of fire.

Charlie stared into his watery, grape eyes.

One tear drifted out of the kid's left eye, cleaning his market-soiled face. "Please, Charlie, please," he said.

Charlie spat, putting the gun down. She whispered, "Why not."

Nobody died that day.

Argo the Dog

Argo the Dog

In case you haven't been following my blog for years...Argo is a dog, a German Shepherd, down the street. I believe he's a retired police dog. 

When I first started visiting him, a few years back, I had to walk on the opposite side of the street because he was so fierce. Day by day, as a year or so went by, I stepped closer, and I eventually made it up to his fence. It took a very, very long time to gain his trust and friendship.

Now...here's where we are. In love.

You just never know what time and love can do.

C.A. MacConnell

The Perfect Round

Winning and losing and everything in between. I think we all have those major childhood embarrassing moments we never forget, ha. Enjoy. From the archives...

The Perfect Round

As a preteen, one day, I was at the Kentucky Horse Park, and I was nervous because it was my first big show with my horse Rojo (Southern Accent). He was an experienced, 15'3 chestnut gelding, and Rojo was quite a "packer," as we called them, meaning, he knew his job, and he always seemed content with his mission, whether at home or at the shows. Ro was kind, loving, upbeat, dependable, and always positive; he never held a grudge.

When we went in the ring that day, we had an absolutely flawless, perfect jumping round. Unfortunately, Ro was ultra-excited about the perfect round as well, so much so that right after the last jump, nearly mid-air, he let out an enormous, rodeo-worthy buck. Of course, this put me out of the ribbons completely. Now, Ro was a registered quarter horse, and his hind end was extremely strong. He didn't act up much (hardly at all), but the rare times he did buck -- boom -- the rider, any rider, was toast. (A few years before, I watched him do it to his former owner on a trail ride. One buck, and she was gone). Usually, bucks wouldn't throw me, but this buck was massive; it definitely caught me off guard. So I went flying over his head, and I landed in the soft ring sand. Ro was still so jazzed up that he went tearing around the horse park. All around, people yelled, "Loose horse! Loose horse!" like they did, while eating a sandwich or teaching a kid or walking a dog.

I remember feeling the sand in my pants, and I remember the long, horrific walk out of the ring and back to the barn. Head down, tears, the works. The epitome of horse show humiliation. At the time, it seemed like the end of the world, similar to the day when I had a piano recital, and my second page of notes was blocked by a piece of paper, and I couldn't see what was next, so I just banged my hands on the keys, made some terrifying sound, and left. And it was all recorded -- this monstrosity of sound. (My last piano recital ever)

Show horses were hilarious when they got loose. Usually they took a quick trip around, a victory lap or two, and then they went back to the barn, or the ring, or right into their stalls. Many times, they ran around crazed, heads held high, and then they'd end up chilling somewhere, quietly grazing, as if to say, Well, that was fun. Now I want my dinner. Usually it was quite anti-climactic.

So it didn't take long for Rojo to end up right back where we were stabled. When I saw him, he was chilling in his stall, eating hay. He didn't feel bad about it. I think he thought he did the right thing -- helped his girl have a perfect round, and then let the whole horse park know how awesome he was. Seemed to make sense to him, to celebrate his victory. And yes, the pro show horses knew when the round was good or bad, for sure. But he did know that I was mad at him, and he knew he was in trouble for some reason, but I think he was confused as to why.

When my trainer found me, he smirked a little, patted me on the back, and said, "Man that was the best round ever! If you just would've hung on, you would've won the class!" Then he chuckled. He was trying to get me to lighten up, but it didn't work. Getting bucked off was one thing, but getting bucked off after a perfect round really hammered home the embarrassment and such. In our makeshift show tack room, my trainer's brother tried to comfort me through a few jokes and a hand on my shoulder. I remember looking at him, nodding, and listening intently, hiding in the shade of the red and black curtains. Teary, I smiled at him a little.

To this day, when I bring up this show to my Dad, his entire face sinks, and he says, "Oh, God, I remember that day," and he says it in this deep, drawn-out, dreadful tone, as if we're talking about a world catastrophe. Like the piano recital, ha.

As kids, I suppose these things are catastrophes. And then we learn to ride on. And the people around us give us the strength to do so. And we get ready for the next show. Time for a comeback.

Me years later, as a Prof. Trainer

C.A. MacConnell

P.S. A day later at the show with Rojo, I signed up for an equitation jumping class in the big ring, and the jumps were bigger than I'd done with him, and we rocked it. And we ended up getting ribbons in the small ring as well. It ended up sweet.

Photo: Never Give Up.

Never Give Up

Something my mom has taught me! Happy Mother's Day. And happy day to all of you trudging this road called...Life.

Love to you,

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Farm House

Once, a Farm House

C.A. MacConnell

The Shop

Hope you're well. We all lead separate lives, but are they really separate at all? Here's a poem for you. Working on getting Book Three out there to you. In the works, every single day, pressing forward. Love, love, 💕💙-- C.A. 

The Shop

The clean, fresh
sheets. The fat cat
fed. The fish tank
tomorrow. Whites.
The final spin.
The heavy weight
of spotless silence.
No, no ring
tone near her beige
bedroom. Far past time.

The cream Eldorado
is locked, three deep,
in The Shop,
where the filthy,
full-lipped mechanic
lovingly
smokes menthols.
Her pretty ride
will still make
the night owl.

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: See You Soon

See You Soon

C.A. MacConnell

Photo: Garden

Garden

Ault Park

Working behind the scenes...stay tuned. :) <3 u,

C.A. MacConnell