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Lost Glove 72
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Hello there. I just wrote this. It came to me from a daydream. Hope you enjoy the poem. XO, Love to you, C.A. MacConnell.
True News
Raindrops on my face. Earlier, tears, but no one
knows. Minus the red cheek, at four o'clock,
I am beginning again. And now, my countenance
returns -- the calm cards and poker. Beside me,
you wear an oversized slicker. With a sudden force,
you unsnap, opening it wide, scooping me close.
Fiercely, firmly, you envelop me with your right arm,
tucking me tight against your middle and suddenly,
inside the jacket, we are half-wet, yellow, and safe.
Together, we are melting into the weather, a living
impression painted into the gray, uncertain quiet.
Both humans and birds are hidden, a wicked sign.
At any moment, the sky could break. Crouching
inside their homes, millions live solely through past
and future like keen, salivating reporters. True news
rests beyond the fear and the noise, within the moment,
within the honest, primal reach, the instant celebration
of pain and joy and life and breath. True news rests
within the thunder crack. Because when the threat
comes, we are laughing, muddy and disgusting,
nibbling on cashews.
C.A. MacConnell
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Good evening. I came upon a crossroads. An opportunity popped up that had to do with my former life. I wrestled with the decision...talked with others, made the lists, and on and on, like people do. But here's what I've noticed about myself: my first gut reaction was no. And eventually, my final decision was no. It didn't change. It usually doesn't change for me. Why I spend so much time rolling it around, when I can trust my heart and my gut in the first place, I'm not sure.
I guess I'm a human being trying to navigate this planet like everyone else.
I suppose it gets tricky when I think about, Hey, should I go against my gut? Is my gut wrong? Should I change and make a leap that's against everything I feel? Sometimes, I definitely think this can be a good idea in order to grow. In the recent past, I've done this a lot regarding relationships. In this situation, it didn't feel applicable at the time, considering all of the factors.
Maybe I'm wrong, who knows. Today I find myself second-guessing my decision, beating myself up, and the like. I usually do that as well. I suppose I'll allow myself some time to process. It's OK. I'm frustrated, but I guess I can see it as an opportunity to narrow down what it is I really want to do. This particular situation wasn't it, obviously.
See, I want to do what makes my heart sing. And I can feel that when it happens, for sure. :) XO.
Until then, I guess I'll drive around and do deliveries and sing songs and dance in the aisles and write to you. Hey, wait a minute...I'm already doing what makes my heart sing. Who cares what people think of my "title." If I come across something else that gels with this notion, I'm all in.
Gratitude for recognizing this fact tonight. Always healing. Perhaps you are too. Maybe you're already doing what makes your heart sing, and you don't even realize it. Maybe we're in this together.
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email: right here.
There has been some more change going on in my life. Nonstop actually. I could use some down time, for sure, but my higher power seems to be pointing me in a new direction. I'm not certain how it's going to roll out yet, but it feels good to me. And scary too. Just muddling through it all, taking some risks and such, which has been quite jarring in the past few years. I've changed a lot, to put it mildly, and much of it has to do with walking through fear.
As I've said before, "God is in the surprise." Yes, indeed. The curveball, the unexpected, and the like. God is right there, altering the course at times, in my humble opinion. And I can choose to recognize the divinity in it and "go with the flow," so to speak, or I can resist. Up to me.
I've been tunneling through a whole big suitcase of fear, man. And to folks on the outside, I'm sure it looks messy at times. Until now, I wasn't aware of my deepest fears and how they have been running my life. I've been scratching the surface, sure, but at the present time, I'm barreling into the depths of it. Or maybe I always knew deep down, but it hadn't hit the surface, and I wasn't ready to face it all yet.
Now I know. Or I think I do, ha. Truth is, I don't know. Neither do you. We don't know. There is something bigger out there than this whole human clown show. Take a look at some ancient mountains. Or the seasons. The sky, the birds, nature in general. Nature knows more than we do.
We don't know.
This fear has nearly wiped me out numerous times; I've experienced panic, continuous racing heart, endless bouts of tears (and laughter too), and a number of physical reactions that I won't dive into here. I've experienced panic and such in the past and so, I know better now how to navigate the beast. But let's just say PTSD is no fun.
But it is also a great teacher.
Straight through it. If I don't walk through it, it tends to resurface, aye. I spent many years pushing it down, running around in circles. Many folks do this. Some continue to operate on fear their entire lives. Look around. Everyone's scared. They might seem angry. They might seem depressed. They might seem hellbent on looking perfect. They might seem overly focused on work, a relationship, or a cause. It's all around. It's all fear. Politics, money, appearances. Oh shit, and the news. Fear.
Have I mastered it? Hell no, I'm a baby too. Just like you. But I'm growing stronger in my faith every day. As a human, "trying" is everything. XO.
Be gentle with yourself. And I will be too.
For those who can relate to such human fears or for those who have experienced trauma (I am convinced that's everyone), I am sorry you have to go through this, but I can empathize. And also, as powerful as it can be at times, the fear will eventually dissipate. Just hang on, if you're walking through it like me. Hang on. Love to you. Get a fucking teddy bear. I keep planning on it, but I think I'll nab one from the stuffed animal claw machine today. I am a master at that game, ha. If you think you can beat me, you're wrong, ha.
But fear hasn't wiped me out thus far. I keep moving, despite it all.
A battle with the inner self. And a journey to make peace with the inner self. As I always say, "Look inward." It is hard work to look inward. That's why most folks, including me, often grab onto outside stuff as the "cause" or "source." But eventually, the journey always returns back to the self. I have to take a look at my part, my way of being, my feelings, my actions and reactions. That is the only way I can truly process through life's more difficult scenarios and change.
Hard truth. But don't we all do it? We grab onto news stories, outside relationships, car issues, house issues, money issues, you name it. We blame other things or other people for sadness or present circumstances, and the like. For instance, I might tell the world that I'm afraid my car might break down. Or it might change, and I might start telling everyone I'm afraid of a job situation. Or I might focus on a certain relationship issue. Doesn't matter, because the real fear rests within a lack of faith and fear within myself. Because it's not the car. It's not the job. It's not the other person.
Nothing on the outside is driving the monster.
I am.
It's what's inside.
Grinning just now. Maybe this will help you too.
It's all unfolding as you are reading this, as I am writing this. We don't know the power of the "unseen." Hang on for the ride but remember to love yourself. And I will too.
I don't know.
We don't know.
But since we both don't know, that means we're in this together. And that's a beautiful thing.
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email: right here.
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Angels
Angels 2
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Yesterday evening, I was with a group, and I was tired as all hell, feeling quite a bit of physical pain, and I was in a hurry to return home and meditate (meditation, movement, distraction, and crying help the pain the most) and then, something came over me. Even though I was pretty set on my "get home" mission, I turned around, retraced my steps, and approached a certain woman, briefly mentioning that I always liked what she had to share. She thanked me, and it was a simple, warm moment, aye.
And then, as is my Thursday night routine, I headed over to the quickie mart to pick up some ice cream and cookies. Well, as I turned in the driveway, an enormous SUV backed up...or should I say...barreled out of its parking space, missing my car by about a millimeter. If I would've pulled in one second sooner, the entire side of my car would've been toast.
I lost my breath. And then it came back, as breath tends to do. My car is my livelihood...since I do deliveries. I grinned a little, thinking about the timing and my luck.
I thought about how earlier, something came over me. Something told me to pause, to speak to that woman. If I'd chosen to leave without following my hunch, my car would've been out of commission later -- a definite mess of a wreck.
But was it luck? Or was it a little, special voice meant for me? I choose to think that it was my heart protecting me. Or God, if you will.
And it reminded me to pay attention to those little pushes, messages, feelings, and hunches.
Sometimes, I get so caught up in my routines, my overthinking, and my anxiety, that I fail to hear my heart. I lose track. Of course, I lose track. I'm a flawed human being haphazardly dancing around in this wild world, just like you. And some days, it seems like there's no damn roadmap, for sure, ha. Just little old me and my hands. Just little old you and your hands.
Grab the fuck on for the ride, as scary or joyful or overwhelming or hilarious as it may be.
We're all reaching out...looking for something or someone to hold onto. Yes. Every moment of the day. Look around. Everyone's tiptoeing around the planet with tools they learned from other flawed humans. And what a mess that is at times. And what a wondrous miracle that is at other times.
A spider web is perfect. And we are not. But when we love, we create a perfect web. That's all we have to do. That's the solution. We get lost in the wind, but the web is there, waiting for us to add on or rebuild. OK, maybe I just got hilariously lost in that terrible metaphor. See, I'm not above cracking up at my own writing.
Anyway, you get the drift, ha. Help build that damn web, if you can. And I will too.
Life is about love. Love. Simple as that. Learning to love the self. Learning to love others. Scraping away all of the bullshit one layer at a time, if we so choose, so that we can help ourselves and help one another.
Pay attention to those little pushes.
Have a great evening. I'm speaking tonight. Strangely, it's a place where my great Grandpa was one of the founders. Everything's connected.
And now, after I just wrote to you, I think I can harness this physical pain and make it there tonight. XO. See, we're in this together.
Love to you,
C.A. MacConnell
P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW!
P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email: right here.
Hi there. I've had a challenging week! Here I was with my buddy yesterday. Just sharing something from my life. <3
Do you have your copies of my books yet? Click on any of the covers below, and it'll send you to a description and purchase info. Or, go here.
I'm excited about how folks are responding to my 2025 creation, RECOVER WILDLY: DAILY SPIRITUAL ESSAYS FOR SURVIVORS. Mostly, I'm thrilled that it's helping some people. My first nonfiction book...and it's been quite a journey getting it out there. We've been so close to number one in Inner Child Self Help on Amazon, and we've been creeping down closer to number one on the general charts with all of my books. Rad. Thank you so much to all who are supporting my art. Here is my author page. More to come!
Again, click/touch any of the covers below! Love to you, C.A. MacConnell
P.S. FIVE published books by C.A. MacConnell on Amazon NOW!
P.P.S. Need writing help? M.A. English/Creative Writing, Hollins University. Over 30 years of experience in all genres. You name it; I can do it. PHOTOS: custom, signed prints. Or prints on metal or canvas, ready to hang. Email: right here.