There's been so much going on in the world that it's hard to know what to write about. I aim to come from the gut -- a true, honest place. That's where I will begin.
I'll start with the pain.
I've been afraid.
I struggle with anxiety anyway, but the past five months have really charged it up. I've still been in contact with support groups and outside help, but the anxiety has been raging onward and upward. Between the pandemic, money issues, living issues, health issues, and protests, I've noticed some interesting changes going on inside myself...
Physically, during this time, solely from the anxiety, on and off, I've had violent shaking and tremors all over, rapid and irregular heartbeat, heart palpitations, bouts of insomnia, a numbness in my right leg, and restless leg syndrome. I also went through a period when I became overly focused on my breathing...if you do that, ironically, it's damn hard to breathe. Then you try and stop, but you become more focused on it, and it becomes truly labored. It's a mind fuck, really. Same with the rapid heartbeat. If you focus on it, it gets worse. I've had that every single night for years, but it's been worse lately.
I also went through several spells when I thought that I had developed symptoms of the virus, but I didn't have it. Basically, the idea of it lurking around, and the fear of the unseen were so ever-present in my consciousness that I began to feel as if I were truly sick. At that point, I admit I kind of wanted to be, because I wanted to get it over-with, and I didn't want it to be my anxiety causing the issue, but it was.
Indeed, now I'm a mask and hand sanitizer advocate. I won't leave home without it. Because of panic and anxiety issues, I had to ease into wearing the mask by putting the thing on my face at home and wearing it all around my apartment, like a secret superhero, eventually becoming comfortable enough where I could go out without fear of having a panic attack. See, in the past, I've been in several traumatic situations where I've been "trapped," so wearing the mask was a real trigger for my panic, and at first, when I tried it out, I had a bad episode in Kroger.
But through practice, as in other similar situations I've dealt with, I have overcome this mask fear, and now, I feel better with the mask on, ha. The mind is a curious thing, eh? Now I'm afraid when others are not wearing them. And around here, some choose not to. I felt that way as well until I had to get a swab stuck up my nose (which burns and makes your eyes water), and I saw the Urgent Care packed with sick people, and I heard the nurse calling from the desk to give a slew of people their test results. For 45 minutes, while I waited, I listened. One right after another, on and on. Every single one was positive.
I started this piece with the pain. But I'll end with the recovery.
Now all of this anxiety talk may sound rather intense; however, as I write to you, I'm feeling blessed and grateful, because I have people to call -- professionals, family, friends, and more. Sitting here, I realize that I have all of the support I need to shuffle through this mess. All I have to do is reach out.
That is where God comes in, for me. God provides me with the people who continually help save my life. Just my experience.
So it's July 30, almost noon. As of today, I'm about 290 pages into my fourth book, thanks to this pandemic. And I just worked hard to release all of my books in Ebook version. And over the course of this pandemic, I learned that my sarcasm is too much at times. I learned that I need to work on being direct and strong, rather than beating around the bush. I've been promoting like mad, and it's paying off. I've been able to spend a lot of family time here and connect with my brother in Texas. When I'm not stuck in my feelings, I've been able to focus on my art. Yesterday, a chiropractor worked on my aching neck, and he really cracked me up, literally and figuratively. Today, I am so spoiled that I will get to experience a massage. What a gift, especially since I haven't touched anyone in so long. Many of us haven't. Hey, I just went for a five mile walk, and on the way, I said "Hello" to all of my neighborhood canine friends.
Despite the political divisions and invisible, preying sickness, there is so much in this world -- good and hard and bad and seemingly mundane and brilliant -- that makes me feel alive.
Yes, I feel relaxed and happy to be sober. I feel like I've made some real muscles through this difficult year. And perhaps there is more hardship to come, but I'm ready, because before this mess even hit, I already had all of the tools I needed to deal with it; they were all there, right in place. And that thought, friends, makes me feel this curious thing: peace of mind.
In this time, let us celebrate these battles and what we've all been through in the past few months. Let us see how each day we wake up is a new chance for living, whether smiles or tears, and if we are still here, it is golden. Let us see the lessons, the gifts, and the closeness we have achieved with family and friends. Or maybe some of you have found closeness on the inside, like me. Amen to that one.
And the chills I'm feeling this very moment...they're not from anxiety, but rather, it's the feeling I have when I write something solid, straight from the heart.
C.A. MacConnell
